MODALITIES

[frandoch]

In the thread ?The Old ?I Love You? Phrase: Soshin writes "First of all, why are those three little words so important to you? If he ACTS lovingly and caring, that should be sufficient."

It?s not that simple.

We experience reality through the five senses or modes:

Visual Seeing
Auditory Hearing
Tactile Touch
Olfactory Smell
Gustatory Taste

We process that information, and think and behave in accordance with those modes, especially in our inter-relationships with other people. Leaving out the bottom two, which are still important in intimate relationships, we are left with the top three.

We interact with people through those three modes, but one of them will be dominant. If we can find out which is a person?s dominant mode, we can relate much more effectively.

There are clues, in both the way people speak and in their eye movements.

When asked a question, the other person?s eyes will move in one of six directions, when they are considering the answer. Upper left, upper right, level left, level right, lower left or lower right. The upper ones are visual mode - the level ones are auditory - the lower ones are tactile and language. Also the right hand side is Constructed Data, and the left hand side is Remembered Data. This is true for right-handed people. Left-handers will usually reverse the right and left. Occasionally, some people won?t obey the pattern, but they will still have a pattern.

Now speech. As the mode of the reply to the question is unconscious, and as the unconscious doesn?t use nouns, only verbs, the verbs are the clue.

Let?s say I?m explaining something to someone, and I ask the question ?Is that clear ??

They will answer in their dominant mode. For example:

?Ah yes, I see what you mean.? The verb is ?see? - visual mode.
?Yes, that sounds right.? Or ?Yes, I hear what you say.? - auditory mode.
?Hm, that feels right.? - Tactile mode.

Now if the eye movements and the speech pattern match, you can be certain of the dominant mode, so your further questions can be phrased differently to give a much more meaningful exchange.

Visual: ?Is that clear?? ?Can you see what I?m saying??
Auditory: ?Can you hear what I?m saying?? ?Do you understand that??
Tactile: ?How do you feel about that?? and so on.

I was in a relationship with a woman where we lived together and raised her children for 10 years. My dominant mode is tactile, and hers is auditory. I provided stimulus in the visual and tactile but I couldn?t say ?I love you?. Because of my past experiences, those words stuck in my throat, and if I did manage to say them, they sounded so false that they were counter-productive. When our relationship was under severe stress, someone who had been waiting in the wings, someone who ?instinctively? knew about this, and was very skilful in using it - well, they are now happily married. And, happily, I can now say those words ? I?ve worked through that one.

So, in response to what Soshin wrote, which is what most people would think, if Candida?s dominant mode is auditory, then she NEEDS to hear those words.

Just a thought.

Michael F.

 

[hilary]

Good stuff, Michael, thank you. I have an awkward question for you: how does this work, or what effects can people's different 'modalities' have, in online communication?

 

[frandoch]

When we talk with people 'in the flesh', we have other clues apart from what they say - body language, facial expression, tone of voice etc.

In online communication we just have text, and we all know how tricky that can be sometimes. I may type a line, knowing exactly what I mean, and the person at the other end picks up an entirely different meaning - that's why Smilies and Emoticons were developed. They help, but not enough.

So, how about modalities? Re my post above, eye movements are not law - they are an added clue to speech - to the verbs, and we have those in the text. But these verbs are only really a clue when we've asked a question, but that's ok because we often ask questions.

The other person doesn't just stick to their dominant modality in general conversation, they generally switch, using all three, every 30 seconds or so. But over time their dominant modality will be the most frequent.

However, if you want to find the dominant one, ask a question in a particular mode. If they respond in that mode - you've got their dominant. If they don't, try switching to the mode they used, and if they reply in that mode, you've got it. Then you can continue to converse in their dominant mode, and there will be less room for misunderstandings. You will relate more effectively. This may sound contrived and artificial, but it's only formalising what good communicators do instinctively.

It's called modelling, and in the flesh we can model more closely. If you're talking to someone who crosses their legs, cross yours the same way. If they uncross and cross the other way, do the same. Try to find their breathing pattern, and copy it. If they use their hands, use yours.

What you're doing is responding to someone else in the same way that they communicate. You're giving them a compliment - even gentle flattery, making them and what they do important.

Natural salespersons do this instinctively, but it can be learned.

I am chuckling now, thinking of all the questions that will be going back and forth in posts.

Michael F.

 

[frandoch]

Some more info:

This is about eye movements and I'll stick to the right-hander, whose dominant mode is visual, for simplicity.

When you ask a question, the eyes will move to more than one of the 6 areas. In order to answer you, they will have to remember data, so the first movement will be to their Upper Left. Then they will have to construct data in order to answer you, so the next movement will be their Upper Right Then they'll need to formulate that answer into language, so the next movement will be to their lower left. (On the lower level, their right is 'feeling' and their left is 'language)

It may sound complicated, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

These techniques, which are also known as Pattern Recognition, are the foundation of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) which is a tool that is used in personal relationships, in psychotherapy and counselling, in selling, in corporate management, and it's amazingly effective.

It can be used, with other techniques from NLP, such as modelling, anchoring, swishing, etc. etc., to change the way people think and react. For example, it can be used to cure phobias - severe phobias, such as agrophobia, fear of flying, fear of spiders, etc - and it can cure them in seconds.

It is, without doubt, the most powerful tool ever developed for making 'real' differences in people's lives.

I've just found a good page which explains more or less what I've been saying here, and provides a cartoon character showing eye movements, so that you can practice observing them.

http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/calibrate.php3

Have fun.

Michael F.

 

[chrislofting]

See the NLP encyclopedia for full coverage of terms etc

http://www.nlpu.com/ency/

The modalities, sub-modalities and physiological processes will vary across individuals so you need to 'calibrate' ;-)

For some 'classic' NLP books etc see my NLP/MBTI/I CHing ref list

http://pages.prodigy.net/lofting/irefs.html

Chris.

 

[chrislofting]

Issues in NLP come in such form as:

what is the basic difference between hope and anticipation?

They are identical other than how you express them, hope sitting back into your chair, anticipation sitting on the edge of your chair leaning slightly forward.

You can put people into these body postures and so get them to 'resonate' with a physiological and mental state. LEARN that feeling and elicit and use it in any context.

The I Ching allows you to use NLP processes in pathwork concepts as covered in, for example,

http://pages.prodigy.net/lofting/icproact.html

have fun ;-)

Chris.

 

[uselesstree]

I think there are at least two reasons the words matter.

First should be familiar to any one using the I Ching. Why do we need an oracle to see the light of the gods? Shouldn't it be enough to pray (announce your inner devotion) and observe (the world will be your oracle if you are quiet enough inside to read it). The truth is that we are often not quiet enough inside to see/hear/feel (smell or taste for that matter) what the "other" means. So we have words. These icons bring us back, help us to focus. (They can decieve and cheat of course but the tool's potential as a weapon doesn't usually keep us from using them.) The words "I love you" lets us know that we really see in the other's actions what we think, hope or fear we see.

Second, and perhaps much more importantly, the words serve a ritual function. I love you means I am open to you, vulnerable, willing to risk something. If I ask you to hold something precious it means something about the way I feel about you

 

[martin]

Words are witches. The message arrives before we hear or read the words. But the illusion of not knowing is so convincing - we think that we need the words and that they contain the message, as if the words were the bottles and the meaning the wine. Delusion!
Yet, the ritual of language has meaning and beauty in our dreamworld, so dear Uselesstree, I will from now on call you InspiringTree, if you don't mind.

 

[uselesstree]

Naming is the root of the ten thousand things.
Call me what you like and I will like it just fine.