Mother's walking habits

[rosada]

My mother is in a senior residence. She is 92 years old with failing eyesight and lousy memory. The director has asked that she no longer go for walks by herself beyond just circling the block. No more quiet strolls on the nearby campus. No more trotting off to the nearby blvd. for shopping. My mother is divestated. All her life she has been unusually self sufficient and also she is unusually careful, so to her this sudden restriction seems capricious and unfair. Unfortunately her hearing and her memory are failing and this coupled with the fact that she has never been one to argue or debate, but by nature has tried to adapt to the needs of others, makes it doubly hard for her to negotiate with the lady in charge. Furthermore, her doctor has not been supportive.
My take on it is that the director has her hands full with 50 old people all with varying degrees of dementia and that she has made a rather blanket ruling without closely evaluating my mother's situation. Likewise, the doctor seems to be only looking at statistics and not at the human being. But I could be wrong, or maybe their decision is a little premature but in 6 months the restrictions will be necessary and is it fair to expect the manager to be so finely tuned to the needs of the guests that she has to pick the exact right cutoff day on the day and not a minute before?
We have a woman come visit my mother at least twice a week and when she comes, they do go for long walks together. I think my mother - who's memory is not good - forgets this and obsesses about the restrictions, rather than being able to remember that she can go for walks on the days Mary Anne is with her. Or perhaps she does remember, but even so walking with Mary Anne is not the same as being free to go by oneself.
I do not live near my mother so I can't take her for walks but we talk on the phone and she values my opinion. If I encourage her to accept the restrictions she probably will. But I sure don't want to do that if they are unnecessary. I honestly don't know if my mother is safe to be out walking. I think she is, but I could be not seeing things this director who has had more experience recognizes.
So now I want to consult the I Ching about this, but I am unsure what my question should be. Any suggestions? I'm thinking, "Please comment on the situation." but that seems too general.

 

[dobro p]

What do you need to know about this situation that you don't know already? Not what do you want to know, but what do you need to know? By 'need to know' I mean 'need to know about what's going on and how best to deal with it'.

You know certain things already, so there's no point in asking about those. There are other things you don't know, but to what extent do you *need* to know about those things? Some of those things (like your doubts about the doctor's motivations and help) are troubling. If you start with those things, then my question's the same: do you *need* to know about those things in order to feel better? Or is this just one of those life situations which you have to go through without knowing its depth or its outcome in advance?

If you draw blank, there's always this very useful global question: "What do I need to know about this situation?"

 

[RindaR]

Rosada,

You might consider asking: "Please comment on my mother's safety if I don't encourage her to accept the Director's restrictions."

...or possibly something like: "Please clarify the balance between Mother's need for safety and her need to take walks alone."

I work as an activities therapist on an acute care dementia unit in a local hospital. It has been my experience that folks with dementia usually have some sense that they have problems, but rarely have the ability to assess those problems with any kind of objectivity because, um, their cognitive processes are impaired.

Some facilities have outdoor (relatively safe) enclosed areas for people who like to walk outside, but these are a far cry from the kind of freedom she is used to having.

This process is heartbreaking for the one who is afflicted, and for those who have known and loved the one who is in decline.

Best wishes-

Rinda

 

[Trojina]

Rosada I would probably ask something like "are these restrictions necessary/to the good, please comment". Someone here said she had quite a dialogue with the Yi, after the first broad question going deeper and deeper with successive questions. I liked the way she put it, but can't recall her name ?


I worked as a carer for dementia sufferers at various places for a while. There was always daily discussion in meetings between managers and staff about how each individual was, the priority being their safety and well being. It was awful to have to place any restriction on anyone and it was never done without great consideration. This really as much for staffs benefit as anyone else. As you say its a hard job and if the clients are happy and contented (as much as they can be) then everyones life is easier.
Of course I can only speak about the places I worked in here in the UK and I'm only offering you my opinion based on limited experience (hmm which you haven't asked for ) So I wouldn't necessarily go along with the idea that restricting your mum will make staffs lives easier, quite the reverse infact. Its quite understandable though that you want to be sure these restrictions are necessary, I would feel the same if it were my mother.

I'll be interested to see what Yi says. In my experience this kind of question often gets a pretty definate answer. Now if you get 60,1......but if its 60.2...

 

[rosada]

Thank you all so much for your attention to my question. I didn't realize how smothered and cramped I was feeling (like my mother?) until I turned on my computer and saw you all being willing to share your space with me! I just burst into tears! It's as if I had been stuck in 3.1 between hesitation and hindrance and suddenly all you "helpers" are here furthering me!

I took up dobro's suggestion first and considered asking, "What do I need to know that would make me feel better?" I must tell you, dobro, I first felt very resistant to your suggestion! LOL! I was thinking, "What difference does it make if I feel good about this? I mean if the I Ching says, "You're a good daughter, don't worry about it," how's that going to help Mom? But then I considered that in order to see the potential for good in the situation, I needed to feel good. So I asked, and received 55.5 - 49. Eureka! 55 is about bringing things out in the open, deciding lawsuits and 55.5 specifically says Blessings draw near, and 49. says "On your own day you are believed."
So I realized I had been thinking that talking to the director was going to lead to a big fight, and this reading - which is just what I needed to know to feel better - says I can bring the issue up for discussion and it will be a good thing. To keep the dialog going, I then asked, what what should I say to the director and received 59.5,

"His loud cries are as dissolving as sweat.
Dissolution! A king abides without blame.

This says to me that my mother's protest and explanation of her coping stradegies (always crossing streets at signals etc.) should be mentioned and also having her doctor specifically tell the Home she is not at risk to go for walks could work.

Next I looked at Rinda's idea of asking, "Please clarify the balance between Mom's safety/walking alone." I received 15.3.4.6 - 35. I see this as meaning my mother's desires are not excessive and that she will be safe out walking. This was a great question Rinda, because even if the doctor and director agree to our requests, we still want to smart about this!

Hi Trojan, I was most definitely asking for your opinion! And thank you for that insight that if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy! You and I are very tuned in when you mention that 60.1 and 60.2. Before posting, I asked the I Ching what would be a suitable question to post for group discussion (hopefully something not having to do with lean pigs)? I received 60.2.5 - 24. This immediately sounded like my concerns about my mother which is what gave me the idea to ask my question. 60.2 being the frustrating restrictions and now that I think about it, 60,5 could be a suggestion that the director herself go for a walk with my mother and then she'll see how careful my mother is. Anyway, taking in mind that even though my mother may not need these restrictions but that perhaps the senior home does, I asked the question, "Are these restrictions necessary to the greater good?" I received 48. unchanging. I read this as meaning rules are helpful, but if they don't fit. if "the rope doesn't go all the way, or the jug breaks," then they are of no use and bring "misfortune".

Thank you all so much. I don't know if I am unbiased enough to say my interpretations here are so accurate that I sould go to the director and say my mother is competant to go out on walks no matter what, but I certainly feel empowered to discuss the decision more completely.

 

[autumn]

Hi, Rosada.
I just felt compelled to share this with you. I hope it can benefit you. When I was in my early twenties, eight or nine years ago, my grandfather had Alzheimer's. He lived with my grandmother in a retirement community in Florida. My grandfather had progressed to about stage III, and was still living at home. He could no longer read, work crossword puzzles, volunteer, play cards, or socialize with friends. In fact, the only thing left for him was walking. My grandmother did not want to restrict his freedom to walk. She didn't want to place him in a rest home, even though he really probably should have been living with more sturcture.

One day he wandered away from the community and disappeared. He was never found. My family looked for years. We assume he died of exposure somewhere in Florida.

There are not any right or wrong answers here. These are dilemmas of life and death that noone can truly understand unless they have experienced them. Your heart must make the decision with a sense of peace. Search and meditate until you find peace.

Should my grandmother have restricted his life so that he could have lived another five years in misery, and our family could have buried his body, instead of allowing him his terrible, but free and without prolonging, fate? I don't know. It was a decision that was made by my grandmother based on her knowledge of my grandfather and what his wishes would have been.

 

[Trojina]

Hi Rosada, your answers look good, definately you need to say all your worries to the director (59,5) there may be things in the situation you do not know about yet (4)

15 seems a great answer for your question about the balance of safety/walking alone.

Hope it all works out well (funny about the 60,2 thing eh )

 

[rosada]

Oh Autumn, what a story. You are very right to point this out though, because that is exactly the sort of thing the retirement home is nervous about. My mother's condition is not nearly so extreme, however, which is why the debate. It's like my mother is saying, "I want to cross the street and to go to the drug store but my eye sight is such that I need to be careful to cross only at the street light." and the Home is saying, "We know somebody who's eyesight was bad and on top of that they had full blown dementia, so now you have to stay home too." Auugh.
Anyway, the key thing here is I'm going to ask for more information and not just automatically take a side.

 

[RindaR]

Rosada,

I wonder if there could be something of a compromise? Perhaps your Mum would be willing to wear an ID bracelet with her name and the phone number of the facility engraved on the back. That might be a way to "reduce that which is too much" - (her present limits) and "augment that which is too little" (her memory - which worries the director).

Rinda

 

[rosada]

Thanks for the suggestion, Rinda. I'm also thinking the balance could be that she could agree not to go to the busy shopping area but would be allowed to cross the quiet streets to the campus. But it doesn't seem fair to make her make any concessions that aren't necessary. So I like the idea of first offering to carry an I.D.

 

[rosada]

Update for the archives.

Ultimately we talked with the administer and the agreement was that everything was okay for the time being, but with the awareness that things could change. I see this as a very accurate interpretation of 55.5 > 49. Everything out in the open and okay for the moment, 55.5, with the awareness that things will inevitably change,49.
As it worked out, Mom continued to be at liberty to take walks on her own for another year at which time we moved her to a totally different place. This experience emphasizes to me how 49. forewarns of not just a slight adjustment, but of a complete Revolution.

 

[ben_s]

Rosada, I hadn't read the earlier messages. I am glad that things worked out OK.

I wonder if it might be possible to provide your mother with a GPS unit that would show the route back home, along with a cell phone.

 

[rosada]

Dear Ben,

Thank you for taking an interest in my Mother. She really is now at the point where it is not safe for her to be out on her own, but she didn't quit a day before she was ready to! I look at the words for THE JUDGEMENT in 49. Revolution:

REVOLUTION. On your own day
You are believed.

As I say, she decided to make the change "on her own day." Wouldn't it be nice if we could all make changes so intentionally?

Rosada

 

[hilary]

Thank you for the update for the archives, Rosada, and good for your Mum for keeping walking for as long as she could. I hope she still gets out - in good company - and enjoys the world outside her four walls.

 

[rosada]

Thank you, Hilary.
She does indeed. We take her out in a wheel chair.
Hmm..Revolution = Revolving wheels = wheel chair!

 

[hilary]

 

[steve]

Rosada u are are part of this clan, and i am probably the last
i'll do areading, but this ought of reminds me of my grandma in cali or ripped the the things out of her arms
2 weeks before i hugged and she was dying, when i hugged her to tight my dad looked at me funny..ok
I still have my coins but i gave my my new pen to my mentor'
I did the reading i wrote it in charclol
post it later on the same thread,, i am getting the idea

Steve