My Adult Son

[Salathia]

Hi:
I have been reading over your site for the last three weeks and am hoping I can participate here now. I have been studying the I Ching for many years now, although not extremely profoundly. So I doubt that I am the most knowledgeable person on the subject. Still, I ask to be able to contribute to the forum and to respond to questions about which I might have some insight.

I have some readings myself that I’d to have some help on. Here goes:

The first readings concerns my son. I have an adult son whom I raised alone with great difficulty. Our relationship has always been rocky. For the last ten years he has been very cold, not taking calls, often not responding to texts. He never sends me a card or gift for Christmas or wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day. Our relationship has always worried me. So I have often tried to get him to open up about any anger or hatred on his part, towards me in the interest of understanding the nature of the problem.

Recently he blew up at me, profanely cursed me and banished me from his life. The language he used was so disturbing that I decided to respect myself and not reconcile immediately. However it’s been two weeks and no apology and no rapprochement.

I cast a reading:
What was the cause of U’s outburst?
Hex 6.2 connected to 12
Conflict, Dispute, Stress
Nine in the second place means:
One cannot engage in conflict;
One returns home, gives way.
The people of his town,
Three hundred households,
Remain free of guilt.

What do I need to know about U?
Hex 27.1.5–>51
Nourishing connected to Shock
An Old Yang for Line 1
An Old Yin for Line 5
The Old Yin prevails.

How can the situation with U be resolved?
17.6–>25
Following connected to Innocence
The sixth line, magnetic, shows us that sincerity held and clung to, yea, and bound fast. We see the king with it presenting his offerings on the Western Mountain

If there is a line of action that would bring about the best for everyone, including me, O and U, what would it be?
7 Unchanging
Army, Leading, Discipline

All this seems to be in conflict with how the situation is manifesting in real life. So, I wonder if anyone has any insightful comment? I would deeply appreciate it.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello Salathia;

Sorry for all this.

What was the cause of U’s outburst? Hex 6.2 connected to 12
To me the line invites you to not follow this argument and return to your own life. Let it be. And don't contact him.

What do I need to know about U? Hex 27.1.5–>51
He has let go of his wisdom and spiritual part, he wants something but can't reach it. And he has shocking behaviour.

How can the situation with U be resolved? 17.6–>25
You have been after him as my much as you could. Now is the time to stop it. Have nothing to do with him.

If there is a line of action that would bring about the best for everyone, including me, O and U, what would it be? 7 Unchanging
I'm not sure. Maybe it indeed invites you to be disciplined. Or, it can show war, fight, unchanging. You can't change it.

Good luck

 

[Salathia]

It’s very helpful to get someone else’s take on this reading. Your interpretation is very pat. There doesn’t seem to be anything else other than to accept the Tao…But very hard situation for me. Thanks so much.

 

[Salathia]

I asked a follow up question. Why would U treat me in this way? I got a strange response. 31 unchanging. Very confusing. Maybe I’ve asked too many questions recently. So is this response just gibberish? I hope there’s someone on the forum who has an idea of what this might mean.

 

[rosada]

Dear Salathia,

I am so sorry you are having to experience all this. I occasionally do astrological charts for people and in this last year or so it seems like everyone who comes to see me is having problems with their children suddenly announcing they want nothing more to do with Mom. I mean everyone! It is crazy! I pin it on Pluto, the planet of death and transformation being at the last degrees of the sign Capricorn, the sign of authority and Saturn, the planet that rules authority going into Aquarius, the sign of equality and thus there being this impulse to denounce all the old hierarchy and for kids to claim “I know as much as you! I don’t need to respect you! Let me be, I gotta be free!!” Anyway, I tell you this so you don’t spend too much time beating yourself up wondering what the heck did I do??? As Marybluesky as recommended it seems all you can do is let him be. One thing I have seen with these other cases of estranged relationships is that if the kids do come back around they seem totally oblivious to how hurtful their behavior has been - maybe that’s 51 - shock and upheaval but not even seeing it!

As far as how the situation can be resolved 17.6 - 25 says to me “Let go and let God.” Also hexagram 7 urges you to be the master of your own domain. Together I see the advice as being that you pray about this, 17.6. The world really is in bad shape these days and by consciously and sincerely turning this whole matter over to your Higher Power you really will experience a shift. Changing to 25 Innocence suggests your prayer be if not for an immediate reconciliation than simply that you are asking for God’s protection for your son, that you do not see him as “wrong” but that you be able to recognize this is his path and again that you too are Innocent. Then let 7. The boots-on-the-ground Army Sargent help you to focus on your immediate life situation, your friends, the things that are under your control and not look to manage what is outside of your influence.

As to why your son is treating you this way I wonder if he has been 31.Influenced by someone? You mention you raised him as a single parent. Was the dad around at all? Even if he hasn’t been around in years or even if he and the son did not get along if he disrespected you while the boy was growing up the kid may have absorbed the idea that Mom is somehow without value.

Best wishes,
rosada

 

[Salathia]

Dear Rosada
First of all, what a pretty name! Secondly, I’m so grateful for your insight. I stumbled onto some forums that discuss the same topic. Apparently many children are abandoning their parents . If I am to believe what I read, it is a veritable epidemic in Western nations. Kudos to those Asian nations, where the mother is venerated. Such as in Vietnam and in the Philippines. Perhaps the widespread rejection and abandonment of parents that is occurring is an extension of what occurred when many men abandoned their wives over the last few decades, choosing to “upgrade” to “better” spouses: the commodification of previously sacred relationships. Perhaps all of this will one day swing back towards an understanding of how precious all of these relationships are. Or, we Westerner are just lousy parents, and we are getting what we deserve. I know I did the very, very, very best I could as a single mother.

Oh, I am also grateful for your explanation of hex 31 in this affair. I couldn’t make either head or tail of that reading. But after your explanation, I’ve come to believe that he is under the INFLUENCE of his atheistic dominating partner. She is demanding a $10,000 ring. She kicked him out into the street for four days after his income declined significantly. I think you know what kind of woman we’re talking about. :sigh:

I used to be a very avid devotee of astrology. But since I have a catastrophic natal chart, I had to try to concentrate on transcending my destiny. Therefore, I abandoned astrology around 12 years ago. I strongly believe that a healthy-minded person can construct their own reality. Unfortunately not many people are healthy-minded nowadays. Besides, so many of us are saddled with toxic families and toxic environments. So, there is all that to overcome as well.

I am gratified to encounter such gracious kindness and such a warm welcome towards a stranger on this forum. Thank you so much. I hope I can one day be service to someone on here as well. Peace

 

[Hans_K]

I am sorry to read that you are out of touch with your son, and that he has fallen out against you like that, but of course in situations like this there are always two sides to a story.
If your son could describe the situation he would probably come up with a very different story. You are both right, because each of you has your own take on the situation.

Your question is "What was the cause of U's outburst?", so the answer must be read from his perspective. The Yi's answer is H6.2<>H12.
H6 is the hexagram of contention and conflict. It is trigram Heaven above Water.
Heaven is the trigram of rules and structures, it is strict and controlling, its will is law. It is the rational authority.
Water, on the other hand, is the deep emotion, it is fluid and formless, it is the contact with the inner source. Heaven and Water are two opposites in terms of character.
Since you ask the question about your son, he is represented by the lower trigram and you by the upper trigram. You write "I have an adult son whom I have struggled to raise alone."
From H6, it seems that he has come to see you as sort of a father figure who was strict, controlling and acted with authority instead of a mother. To be clear, this is how he sees it and not necessarily how it really is, or how you were really acting.
He as Water cannot deal with this. It triggers all kinds of fears and insecurities in him (Water with a moving line).
Water turns into Earth through the moving yang line at the 2nd position: he withdraws and takes care of himself only.
The nuclear hexagram of H6 is H37. This is the hexagram of family ties. For close family ties, it is important that there is good communication among themselves and that each family member knows his/her role and place within the family. If something goes wrong in communication or a family member "plays" the wrong role, then a conflict will arise.

In H12, Heaven and Earth move apart, there is no contact. What is remarkable is that the Father (Heaven) and the Mother (Earth) are in the wrong place here, there is no longer any contact. This could indicate that your son prefers to see you in the role of mother, rather than someone he perceives as a strict authoritarian father figure. Because when the roles reverse (the trigrams Heaven and Earth switch positions) you get H11 Peace.

This would be my interpretation, I hope it will be of some use to you. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest

 

[Trojina]

Recently he blew up at me, profanely cursed me and banished me from his life. The language he used was so disturbing that I decided to respect myself and not reconcile immediately. However it’s been two weeks and no apology and no rapprochement.

When he 'blew up' presumably he expressed his feelings about you and the situation ? You don't say what he said only that he cursed you and banished you.

I cast a reading:
What was the cause of U’s outburst?
Hex 6.2 connected to 12
Conflict, Dispute, Stress
Nine in the second place means:
One cannot engage in conflict;
One returns home, gives way.
The people of his town,
Three hundred households,
Remain free of guilt.

Rather than tell you what he has told you about why he is so upset Yi might be suggesting you back off(which you did) OR it could be what he is doing, that he's had enough. I think it more likely to be the latter.

I'm not terribly comfortable with pinning this on generalised astrology, that seems a way of avoiding the issue IMO especially when it's so impersonal, not dealing with your chart or his chart just general transits etc. If you are interested in astrology then you could get yours and his charts done otherwise it's just too general.

One clear reason so many adult children are distancing themselves from their parents I'd say is that it's become a kind of 'therapy culture' especially in the west. People are now very educated through the internet and so on about the impact of their families on their mental health. People are aware of narcissistic parenting for example, all the psychological terms people didn't used to be so aware of. There's endless information online now about the impacts of various kinds of parenting and, unfortunately for some, from therapists and other sources there often comes the advice to 'go no contact'. This is mostly done to separate and so heal from abusive family systems. It's not always the right advice of course, who knows, but it is quite rife. Also of course while that is happening there is quite a revolution in how people parent now...so there's all this change you both might be part of amid the relationship troubles. I'm just saying these days in some parts of the world it's far more likely a child will cut contact than it used to be.

If your son could describe the situation he would probably come up with a very different story.

Exactly. I'm not sure we can talk about him as if he had no reason at all to get upset, he will have his reasons and I think he will have shared them with you when you had the row ?

You said he cursed you but what else did you pick up or hear ? If you replay that cursing session did he say things you won't accept as true? Was he actually trying to communicates things you weren't able to hear ?

Our relationship has always been rocky. For the last ten years he has been very cold, not taking calls, often not responding to texts. He never sends me a card or gift for Christmas or wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day. Our relationship has always worried me.

He's clearly not happy with you and wants distance. Would you hear him if he told you why that is ? Do you think he has ever tried to tell you why he isn't happy with you? Angry outbursts often contain some clues to what the issue is.

What do I need to know about U?
Hex 27.1.5–>51
Nourishing connected to Shock
An Old Yang for Line 1
An Old Yin for Line 5
The Old Yin prevails.

You ask what you need to know and Yi says you possibly do know already, 27.1.

How can the situation with U be resolved?
17.6–>25
Following connected to Innocence
The sixth line, magnetic, shows us that sincerity held and clung to, yea, and bound fast. We see the king with it presenting his offerings on the Western Mountain

This line often refers to devotion in my experience, getting more attached to something. Not sure how that applies here.

If there is a line of action that would bring about the best for everyone, including me, O and U, what would it be?
7 Unchanging
Army, Leading, Discipline

It looks like application, applying yourself which does not mean going after him but perhaps approaching what seems like a 'mystery' to you systematically. You describe it as a mystery, that you have no idea why he's so angry with you but obviously in his mind he has a good reason he possibly shared when he 'blew up' ? It's going to call for some self examination on your part I think and if you want to reconnect some commitment (7) to looking at what has happened in the past with him and so on.

Why would U treat me in this way? I got a strange response. 31 unchanging.

Make some space to hear him ? As his mother the onus in on you to understand him not the other way around. Well hopefully he will come to see your position too but when he's this upset it seems the work is yours for now. Not right now of course, for now all you can do is look back to his outbursts and try to decipher the message he is giving beneath the rage and frustration. He's clearly angry about how you mothered him presumably. If you want to cut a parent off you are basically seeing them as more harmful to your life than good.

 

[Salathia]

Well, well thought out and sincere feedback is always welcome. And very appreciated. Full disclosure: My son and I live in different countries. This all started when I asked him if I could have some official documents mailed to his house, in order to avoid a bizarrely high shipping fee for me, currently residing in a foreign country. After a short wait, he led me to believe that he had received the documents and then quickly sent them on. But after a year and a half of repeatedly trying, I began to realize that he had never either ordered nor of course sent them on. He had been elaboratedly misleading me for over a year. Meanwhile, the reasons I had requested the docs were/are extremely urgent/dire and I experienced numerous *severe* consequences on my side. There are several organizations waiting for me to submit the documents. And I am unforgivablely late in doing do. I was simultaneously shocked and concerned by his (non)actions. It’s not as though he needs the money. He has a very good job. I have been trying to resolve the matter over the last few months - basically trying to determine what lies behind all this. It’s all pretty incomprehensible. He never stopped lying, and then, finally exploded with intense rage and a hard line. Finally, his partner admitted to me, that as far as she knows, he had never ordered any of the documents. Since I’m thousands of miles away, and he is not very forthcoming on the phone, I was never able to clarify anything before the things went so far south. I’m thinking he’s having some sort of nervous breakdown.

He's clearly angry about how you mothered him presumably.

He does appear angry. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it for years. But he has always claimed that he loves me and that is all in my imagination. Frankly, I’m lost. He had a charmed childhood, a loving family with me and his sibling; a privileged childhood, obtained an excellent education. He ended up speaking five languages and is very well-read. We tragically lost his sibling to a serious illness in 2010, but he’s said that he has finished grieving? I’ll admit it’s quite a dark time for me. I have had to return to my most fundamental spiritual tools, prayer and retreat. Time will tell.

I cast yesterday but was completely rattled when I received 23 twice.

Tonight I asked:
What is going on between me and my child?
38.1–>64
Nine at the beginning [yang at bottom] means:
Remorse disappears.
If you lose your horse, do not run after it;
It will come back of its own accord.
When you see evil people,
Guard yourself against mistakes.

Evil people? :gulp:

I’m trying to settle my mind by listening to calming music.

It’s always been my understanding that the exchange of ideas over stubborn problems, can loosen up toxic and negative energy. So, I’m deeply grateful for the influx of energy and light! I hope everyone has a blessed Sunday! Peace