My life 29.5>7

[marybluesky]

Hello people;

Things progressed much worse than I imagined.

I was so anxious because of my mother's worsening condition I lost the ability to perform my teaching job properly. In the home I couldn't behave well after some point and started picking on my mother and telling her hurtful things like why she had married and had babies and reminded her of what she had done when she was unwell. Again and again. I felt fearful to death. Then I decided leaving home and staying with a student for sometime. After three days I had to come home to take a document, when I learned my mother had committed suicide by taking pills and was rescued the same day I left.

She was half conscious when I arrived but got up at my sight for the first time in days. I came back and took care of her for two days (alongside other family members). She recovered physically but needed to be institutionalised which she resisted at first. It's super hard to take her to appointments or get her to take medication and food at that point. After taking her to the hospital I left to a trip to a remote point with my sister and her friend. All my classes were given to other teachers so I basically lost my job. No regrets as I was and am in no shape to teach.

Two days later I received messages on my phone about my mom being in an MRI center. My father was reluctant to tell at first. Then I learned that she had three seizures. I literally felt like mourning for her, looked at her photos in my phone and cried. The MRI showed nothing, so the seizures have likely been a result of cutting medications or mental pressure.

I couldn't enjoy the trip at all because of all bad feelings: anxiety, guilt, anger, mourning, any bad feeling you can imagine at its overwhelming form. I felt like losing my mind.

Anyway, now my mother is in home and apparently goes well. But I'm afraid she dies. I take care of her medication and food, try to talk to and caress her when she's in mood. I studied about bipolar disorder in elderly and learned that many become resistant to medication. That's why she didn't get better despite visiting doctors and taking meds.

I have no one besides my family. I tried to make friends and lovers but couldn't after 2020. Good or bad, the parental house has been the only place I've had comfort and love.

Now my parents are old. I fear losing them. I am in bad mood, feel guilty about having treated my mother badly, and receive lots of 23s. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm afraid and paralysed. I see no light at the end of tunnel. I have no job and my brain is tired. Before this, I felt happy and powerful. My life went upside-down.

Meanwhile, I heard several death news: a couple of mothers, a father, and a young girl.

What to do in my life? 29.5>7 Appreciate the current level.

How to behave with my mother so that I don't regret later? 14uc. Treasure her.

How to behave with my father so that I don't regret later? 28.2.3.4> 8 Seek union with him despite all pressures.

How to be grateful for the family? 45.4.5> 2 Gather around and be accepting.

 

[breakmov]

marybluesky I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this.​

We love you so much that we just hope that everything stabilizes quickly in your life....
29.5 --- 7 .....stabilize the level of this tormoil that you are experiencing.


breakmov

 

[Lola1986]

Hi marybluesky,

Sorry to hear of all the troubles. For me 29 almost always reflects my inner state, in a chasm, seeing no way out. But 29.5 as breakmov says, to me indicates yes gaining inner stability, meditate, look after yourself as well, go for a run, things will get better (possibly with discipline? 7) There is definitely something about discipline going on here, a disciplined mind set, maybe that means a pragmatic one. But also perhaps there are things you can do to help yourself as well as your mother - running helps me, eating properly and regularly, having a routine, trying to make sure I sleep enough as well. If these are possible to do maybe they will help

 

[Henry Zahir]

@marybluesky : Of the four questions

What to do in my life? 29.5>7

How to behave with my mother so that I don't regret later?

How to behave with my father so that I don't regret later?

How to be grateful for the family?

All share a leitmotif. How to behave. Conduct. Thinking before acting. Calmness needed.

The first reading shows what you have to do. Go further up until the crashing down lavine passes you, stay out of provocationes y trouble by reaching higher (spiritual) ground.

The rest is standard. Treat those who u want to treat, like you wanted to be treated yoursel

 

[Liselle]

Mary, I'm so sorry this is happening, as Breakmov said. Trying to add more words just seems trite to me right now. Utterly useless, but anyway.

 

[Henry Zahir]

Every man is in the presence of his Father a little boy, no matter his age. Every woman is in her mother´s presence a little girl, no matter the age. Once Father and Mother die, the child has no one to blame anymore for his shortcomings and becomes Father, Mother and Child within. The psyche becomes stable and understands it is a secondary support player, not the star or the villian. Then comes peace. Profound peace. This peace create wealth, prestige and long health. Accept it now or later. It is the fundamental law of human life. Your choice.

 

[Trojina]

Every man is in the presence of his Father a little boy, no matter his age. Every woman is in her mother´s presence a little girl, no matter the age. Once Father and Mother die, the child has no one to blame anymore for his shortcomings and becomes Father, Mother and Child within. The psyche becomes stable and understands it is a secondary support player, not the star or the villian. Then comes peace. Profound peace. This peace create wealth, prestige and long health. Accept it now or later. It is the fundamental law of human life. Your choice.

Surely if you read what is happening, the actual situation, it's not all as easy as just 'choosing'. If she has been coping with a mother with bipolar her whole life and this awful crisis has arisen and then despite best efforts hard emotions arise and maybe sharp words are spoken it really isn't just a matter of creating peace and so on. It's just you make it sound like all she has to do is behave herself and all will be well. It's much more complex than that, at least the way I read the situation.

Quite honestly most of us don't have to deal with such extreme situations in youth, most of us don't have to worry so much about our parents and so on. And so I think it's pretty tough, tough for anyone and tough when as a daughter all these emotions will be there because, well of all kinds of things. Severe mental illness is hard to live with and incredibly hard for close family to deal with and of course it turns the order of things a little upside down if at times the roles are reversed and the daughter at a very young age becomes a kind of carer but then are her needs not met as a result?

What to do in my life? 29.5>7 Appreciate the current level.

How to behave with my mother so that I don't regret later? 14uc. Treasure her.

How to behave with my father so that I don't regret later? 28.2.3.4> 8 Seek union with him despite all pressures.

How to be grateful for the family? 45.4.5> 2 Gather around and be accepting.

I pretty much agree with your take. 29.5 suggests this won't completely engulf your life even when it looks like it might. 14uc yes but also 14 can say you are the treasure, you have the needed capacities. 14 here is not pointing to a deficit on your part.

Obviously I don't know all of it only what you have said but I do hope you don't stay in guilt because in dealing with such hard things, with such great pressure in a family, sharp words will arise at times because we aren't superhuman. You sound as if you have given her much care, don't stay with bad feelings/guilt feelings too much.

 

[Trojina]

How to behave with my father so that I don't regret later? 28.2.3.4> 8 Seek union with him despite all pressures.

Also this is a very nice answer. It shows of course the massive pressure the relationship is under and it also shows it is upheld, held together. It's a very testing answer, the roof falls in line 3, is upheld in line 4 but 8 here I feel shows a bond not so easily damaged. To me this looks very much like a 'love will see us through' type of answer. I'd get from this you had a pretty sound relationship with your father (despite huge testing pressures) but I don't know of course.

 

[marybluesky]

That's right Trojina.

In fact my father has been the more forgiving one in our relationship.