Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
cal val
visitor
- Joined
- Apr 30, 1971
- Messages
- 1,507
- Reaction score
- 20
Yesterday, I posted an article about a rather humorous book that describes the "clues" a man is not interested in a woman. I believe it applies to dating situations rather than committed relationships. When the relationship goes the next step and becomes serious and committed but then doesn't want to keep going, "clues" are no longer acceptable. The following advice, which I cut and paste from an article on MSN, is much more appropriate. It's the only kind of break up that I consider acceptable... whether I'm on the receiving or giving end. I hope others here will find value in it.
<BLOCKQUOTE>In his classic song Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, Paul Simon makes it sound so easy. You just slip out the back, make a new plan, drop off the key, hop on the bus. But in real life, ending a relationship is just not that simple. Your lives are entwined, not to mention your hearts and souls ? and those things don?t come undone at the drop of a hat.
If you?re thinking the time has come to call off your relationship, what?s the best way to say your piece and make your break?
Give fair warning. Be sure you?ve been airing your frustrations clearly, and have made reasonable attempts to work out your differences with your partner. The fact that you?re not happy should not come as a complete shock to your partner.
Listen to your heart. If you?ve stopped looking forward to spending time together, if the sound of his key in the door makes your heart sink, if you?re doing more eye rolling at his annoying antics than applauding his adorable attributes, your heart?s trying to tell you something. Hard as this bitter pill is to swallow, it?s better to face the reality than prolong an unhappy situation.
Step up to the plate. As much as you may be dreading the rough waters ahead, don?t attempt to force the issue by doing something rash, like having an affair. Acting cold, distant, or disinterested in hopes he or she will get the hint is cowardly and disrespectful. Don?t send a break-up letter or email, or leave the bad news on his or her answering machine. Difficult as this is, the right thing to do is to be honest, forthcoming, and responsible.
Just say it, kindly. Choose a time and a place where you two will have ample privacy for this tough conversation. Speak honestly, and accept responsibility for your decision. This is not the time to air your laundry list of complaints one more time. A simple, ?I?m really sorry, but I?m just not happy. I need for us to stop seeing each other,? communicates your truth without laying blame.
Brace yourself. In a perfect world, your partner would react with acknowledgment and acceptance and you?d part on relatively amicable terms. You wish. But bruised hearts frequently respond with anger, acting out, or attempts to bargain for a different outcome. Have compassion for his or her pain, but honor your decision and maintain your boundaries.
Take the high road. As much as you too may need a sympathetic ear, don?t recruit allies from amongst your mutual friends. If his or her name comes up in mixed company, resist the temptation to badmouth. Say, "He?s a terrific guy ? we just weren?t right for each other." Take your tears and tirades to your own personal angels, whether they be old personal friends, close family members, or a therapist.
Look ahead. Emotionally devastating as a breakup can be for both parties, it?s probably all for the best in the long run. When your heart?s telling you it?s no longer a healthy situation for you, heeding that call is a monumental act of self-respect. Handle the breakup with integrity and dignity, and see it as an opportunity for a fresh start for all involved.</BLOCKQUOTE>
Love,
Val
<BLOCKQUOTE>In his classic song Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, Paul Simon makes it sound so easy. You just slip out the back, make a new plan, drop off the key, hop on the bus. But in real life, ending a relationship is just not that simple. Your lives are entwined, not to mention your hearts and souls ? and those things don?t come undone at the drop of a hat.
If you?re thinking the time has come to call off your relationship, what?s the best way to say your piece and make your break?
Give fair warning. Be sure you?ve been airing your frustrations clearly, and have made reasonable attempts to work out your differences with your partner. The fact that you?re not happy should not come as a complete shock to your partner.
Listen to your heart. If you?ve stopped looking forward to spending time together, if the sound of his key in the door makes your heart sink, if you?re doing more eye rolling at his annoying antics than applauding his adorable attributes, your heart?s trying to tell you something. Hard as this bitter pill is to swallow, it?s better to face the reality than prolong an unhappy situation.
Step up to the plate. As much as you may be dreading the rough waters ahead, don?t attempt to force the issue by doing something rash, like having an affair. Acting cold, distant, or disinterested in hopes he or she will get the hint is cowardly and disrespectful. Don?t send a break-up letter or email, or leave the bad news on his or her answering machine. Difficult as this is, the right thing to do is to be honest, forthcoming, and responsible.
Just say it, kindly. Choose a time and a place where you two will have ample privacy for this tough conversation. Speak honestly, and accept responsibility for your decision. This is not the time to air your laundry list of complaints one more time. A simple, ?I?m really sorry, but I?m just not happy. I need for us to stop seeing each other,? communicates your truth without laying blame.
Brace yourself. In a perfect world, your partner would react with acknowledgment and acceptance and you?d part on relatively amicable terms. You wish. But bruised hearts frequently respond with anger, acting out, or attempts to bargain for a different outcome. Have compassion for his or her pain, but honor your decision and maintain your boundaries.
Take the high road. As much as you too may need a sympathetic ear, don?t recruit allies from amongst your mutual friends. If his or her name comes up in mixed company, resist the temptation to badmouth. Say, "He?s a terrific guy ? we just weren?t right for each other." Take your tears and tirades to your own personal angels, whether they be old personal friends, close family members, or a therapist.
Look ahead. Emotionally devastating as a breakup can be for both parties, it?s probably all for the best in the long run. When your heart?s telling you it?s no longer a healthy situation for you, heeding that call is a monumental act of self-respect. Handle the breakup with integrity and dignity, and see it as an opportunity for a fresh start for all involved.</BLOCKQUOTE>
Love,
Val