Not fitting in.. and what to learn from it

[em ching]

Hi,

Since my late teens I have found it hard to socialise - in that I seem to lack the skill of banter, playing and functioning as an individual in a group (I'm fine one to one.. it's just groups must bring out my insecurities). Though I get on well sometimes, with my housemates at the mo I am distinctly the odd fish..I am not relaxed with them and they probably aren't with me. I rub along with them though and sometimes I share a laugh with them, but there's no real understanding or bond, unfortunately, because I do like them. I just think I've put myself with people who aren't on my wavelength and am perhaps just not suited to groups (a situation which has occurred (and caused hurt and dissolution) in the past) Perhaps I still haven't learnt my lesson eh... It's not so bad, but I am looking forward to being free of the awkwardness with them...I just wish it didn't render me quiet and reserved when I am with them, and thus I feel powerless.. I know you can't get on with everyone and it's not a major catastrophe, but I hope in the future to be more discerning.. because it would be great to find people I really am comfortable with and can get on with, and I know they are out there..

Anyway I aksed What Should I be learning from my difficulties with my peers?
32.1,2,5 > 49

32.2 rings true 'With a stable character one acts in life, instead of reacting to feelings, impressions or people.'
And 32.5 speaks of a character which hasn't been fully formed (I do lack a sense of who I am, and acceptance for that person though working on it )
Changing to 49 - I'm never sure how to read that one.
Is it alluding to a change that will eventually occur within?
And for now I just have to endure feeling like the odd one out all the time?
And 32.1 - I need to give myself time before I feel comfortable in my own, and with other people's skin? It's just that it seems to come so easily to the people around me.

Thanks. I know it's not easy learning 'life lessons'... but if this reading suggests any practical approach, or reason as to why this theme has been such an issue for me then that'd be greatly appreciated.. Am I just fundamentally going against my Tao or true nature because of my ego's want of recognition and a sense of 'popularity'?

:bows:

 

[gene]

em ching

Just a preliminary response now, and hopefully more to come. I write because I am very, very much the same way, except I don't consider it a problem, for the most part anyway. Being alone has helped me gain an insight into life which few achieve, and if you think about it, I suspect the same is true for you. I suspect your accomplishments are far more inward, and not readily recognized by those who have not achieved your level of awareness.

That being said, I get a sense of feeling out of hexagram 32, that in your case at least, if not normally, there is a suggestion of going with the flow. Let yourself be who you are. It is an enduring condition, and one not necessarily to be looked down upon. The second thing that struck me was the words, "gives an enduring meaning to his way of life." You have a special gift. Find it an use it. It will be your enduring gem stone. Not only a special gift, but a special understanding, that can only be evaluated by those who have achieved a certain level of spiritual understanding. That often seems strange to the world at large.

The third thing is the words, "The superior man stands firm and does not change his direction." Perhaps you need to accept yourself for who you are. Not everyone will be directed to you. Maybe only few, but as hexagram 45 line 2 says, "there are secret forces at work, drawing those together who belong together." Allow it to happen. Go with the flow.

More on the lines later.
Gene

 

[Trojina]

Agreeing with Gene, its just some peoples nature not to like socialising in groups it doesn't mean its a fault or you are wrong or inadequate in anyway. I think its much harder to live with the wish to be more reclusive or just like one to one when you are young because the media portrays young people as constantly having a whale of a time surrounded by hordes of friends.

I don't think you need view your difficulties as a 'lesson' because you are 'wrong'...its just how you are and as Gene says you'll find probably you become more insightful, through spending time alone.
I think not fitting in gets considerably easier as one gets older if thats any consolation. I mean i think your're early twenties, just out of uni ,so your peers are still going around in herds, but thats a stage people don't continue in, at least i see fewer herds of 40 year olds in the streets at night lol,

Your answer 32. to 49 suggests to me you may be pushing too hard for a fixed result,(32.1) ie here being the kind of person who likes groups, let it be how it is its fine (32.2 )and I think 32.5 is a kind of question, 'are you the leader here or the follower, what role are you in ?'. Following others submissively sometimes is good, but not always, sometimes you have to go it alone. Seems to me you place yourself submissively in regard to your involvement in social things, almost worrying if you have the right to turn things down. You do have the right, these people in the groups aren't 'doing it right' while your 'doing it wrong'. You have to follow your own nature, which may mean being somewhat reclusive. Theres no crime in being that way. Society doesn't reward it and thinks its 'weird' but then popular values in the media etc etc are totally farcical anyway...49 well your're undergoing a big change, everythings changing around you yet within that theres constancy (32)

 

[em ching]

Yeah that could definitely be said to be part of it. The media does portray the norm of young people partying and perhaps being closer to their peer group than their family.. which doesn't always work because blood is thicker than water, and in peer groups it's competitive, and survival of the fittest.. and not always based on true bonds or friendship but on appearances, which I have learnt...

'49 is like one point in a web of many points. While 49 is sometimes likened to a volcano, changing with one big BOOM, I've been noticing that sometimes it happens in stages, as in the way an animal molts.'

I think 49 is saying I'm still molting away the desire to be 'normal' and accepted.. but eventually I will and follow my own path, decided by my inner nature rather than bowing to what I think the world expects of me..
I don't want to be reclusive, but surrounded by accepting people, or at least who don't expect me to be something I'm not ie like them. my difference from them, perhaps brings out their insecurities a bit.. or they are intolerant (They are quite judgemental as a group, and have rejected people for 'weird' before so why I thought I was immune, and that it'd be a good idea to live with them I don't know...). I have just placed myself with people that aren't my kind, out of fear of being alone I guess... but it's taught me a lesson. It's not worth it. I don't blame them, they don't get me probably because I'm not so open with them and so I'm hard to get to know, unless there's a real connection.. because I'm not an extrovert or a show off (they do have it easier sometimes

Seems to me you place yourself submissively in regard to your involvement in social things, almost worrying if you have the right to turn things down. You do have the right, these people in the groups aren't 'doing it right' while your 'doing it wrong'.

Yes I find it hard to say no to things, or spend time alone because I feel guilty for not joining in.. or I feel that I should... rather than listen to my own inclination..

Ah well. I definitely realise that it is far more valuable to be with people with whom there is a true, lifelong connection, even if they are few.. rather than striving for the appearance of lots of friends... that's not to say you shouldn't be open to everyone, just not strive for frienshipw with people you know there is no close connection

We are often among people who don't belong in our sphere. Maintaining sociability without intimacy is the only right attitude.. because otherwise we should not be free to enter into relationship with people of our own kind later on (8.3)

I just feel like a square trying to fit into a round hole at the moment.. but there's only a couple of months left.. it just keeps peaking and troughing.. sometimes I feel comfortable, sometimes distinctly not; no stable friendships here..



:bows:

 

[Trojina]

We are often among people who don't belong in our sphere. Maintaining sociability without intimacy is the only right attitude.. because otherwise we should not be free to enter into relationship with people of our own kind later on (8.3)



:bows:

who said that, wasn't me. Can't figure who you're quoting here ?

 

[em ching]

Straight outta the Richard Wilhelm translation that one
Makes sense too, but I know that when you're with people who do challenge you you possibly learn more, because you have to work harder, or get more of a sense of who you are and perhaps who you should avoid... or just to appreciate differences.. can't win 'em all.

:bows:

 

[kdedeaux4]

Hi Em

Em,

As usual, I'm not confident enough with my small IC experience to give insight into your reading. However, I feel compelled to respond to your thread because I feel I have an understanding and perhaps life experience with this.
I've always been the oppsite of what you describe your social self as. Very outgoing, comfortable in any crowd, many friends(if one can call them that), always able to socialize and typically better in a large social crowd than one on one. As I grow spiritually and as a human being, I'm transforming into a more reserved person. This has been uncomfortable for me, as it comes from necessity of experiences with how shallow and false these big, well-liked crowds of people might sometimes be. Certainly not all, but I'm talking from just my experience here...
In some ways, perhaps your social reservations might be helping to keep you from less-than-honorable people and relationships? Is it possible that at times this is the gift of discernment? As in "knowing" when it's safe to trust and get close to another person or group? Just a thought... If I could go back in time and be more like this, I really think I'd cherish this ability to be more quiet and less "attention getting", in that it may have saved me from a great deal of painful situations and judgment errors.
To me, you seem a very intelligent, kind and compassionate person. I'd very much like to think that when you're surrounded with suitable, appropriate, deserving people, who will perhaps be able to honor and value your depth and character, then the stronger relationships will develop. Please don't think I'm judging your housemates.. I'm not at all trying to say that they are not good people. I just thought a different perspective might help a little too. I hope it's okay that I responded....

~Namaste~
Krista

 

[em ching]

Namaste!

Thanks, really interesting to hear it from another perspecticve
I guess I just need to stop blaming myself. Perhaps, with this crowd especially, this is how far I can go in terms of 'fitting in' as in, I will always be peripheral.
But that's ok - I know why and I'm not going to beat myself up so much about it or try too hard (which I know they wouldn't want either...)

In some ways, perhaps your social reservations might be helping to keep you from less-than-honorable people and relationships? Is it possible that at times this is the gift of discernment? As in "knowing" when it's safe to trust and get close to another person or group?

Yeah, perhaps I hold back from them because I subconsciouly know there are things I couldn't share with them, things they couldn't relate to which could lead to misunderstanding.. eventhough I like them, there is a barrier.

Ah well, I just need to try to be me and let the world revolve around that for a change... rather than forcing it for the sake of feeling 'secure' in a group, which is not necessary.. or feeling inferior because of it.. it's silly I know but I suppose when the majority is against you you can't help but feel weird..


:bows:

 

[em ching]

Wow - 32.1, 2, 5 > 49 resonates 100% with my situation here especially in light of Barbra's interpretation of 49 in Mary's thread about her relationship with her mother:

Hex 49, "like two women who live together but whose wills conflict." I see that you and your mother are really, really two very different kinds of people. No wonder you don't get along. Guilt trips and a lot of bad feeling are the result of daily misunderstandings whenever you're together; and you live with her. You tend to work at cross-purposes to each other. This prevents you personally from ever getting anything done of any real consequence, because these disagreements with your mother occupy your mind day and night.

That is the problem here. Though sometimes there is understanding, overall it is deinitely a case of my having a different outlook and approach to life than they do..

:bows:

 

[marien]

I think 49 is saying I'm still molting away the desire to be 'normal' and accepted.. but eventually I will and follow my own path, decided by my inner nature rather than bowing to what I think the world expects of me..

It sounds like you're on the right path. You're changing (49) these long held positions (32) by molting on the inside first. There may still be some back and forth in day to day life, but you're getting there nonetheless. This reminded me of the 63.2 > 5 reading you had recently. Remember how that was about feeling vulnerable without your veil, though the message was that you should work on yourself while you wait for the change. Perhaps you'll never be a group person, but through this process you will learn to appreciate the valuable qualities that you possess (as mentioned by others on this thread). I think finding that deep self acceptance is your challenge right now, as opposed to fitting in with your peers. But these readings are IMO very positive, and show you making the great transition.

Keep at it!
Mary

 

[em ching]

Cheers I will indeed!

 

[dobro p]

Since my late teens I have found it hard to socialise - in that I seem to lack the skill of banter, playing and functioning as an individual in a group (I'm fine one to one.. it's just groups must bring out my insecurities).

Anyway I aksed What Should I be learning from my difficulties with my peers?
32.1,2,5 > 49

Now that you're both aware of the lack of social skills and you see it as something that needs to be dealt with (well done! you're halfway there!), the Yi is saying something like this: 'Continuing on your present path (lack of skill but desire for skill) will take you to personal transformation'. That transformation will be, of course, some increase in your ability and maybe even your desire to socialize in groups.