Painful break-up, help much appreciated, is there a chance?

[MapleTree]

Hi, everyone! This is my first post, and I hope I will receive some guidance concerning my questions. I would appreciate it so so much! I've fallen deeply in love with a man in January, our relationship started very passionate and he said he was falling in love too, but something made him pull away emotionally, saying he was not sure (we were long distance, about 80 miles, he had to leave the country a few times a year, different cultures, at least that's what he said). However, he changed his mind and asked for a chance and that he wants to make this work. He was acting hot and cold and said he had some trouble. I asked an older female friend of his for details, to help, and asked for privacy, and unfortunately she told him about this, while telling me to keep it between us, as he might get upset. Shortly we broke up (I did), as he became very distant after I talked and met her. She told me he might leave the country in a couple months, not 2 years as he was having some issues. Even if I broke things, it was out of frustration. I was deeply in love and hope he'd fight for me. An extremely stressful period was to follow (3 months)for him. His female friend called from time to time to ask if we had spoken and started to tell me to forget him. I am not sure of her (good) intentions.We broke up at the beginning of May. I still am deeply in love and suffering so much! He won't speak to me, but still has me on social media. Last time we spoke, it was more than a month ago, when I visited him and said he can't be with anyone. Before that, he said he wanted us to make a try then changed his mind in days. I've never been more devastated in my life about this break up and feel guilty for going to his friend. Also I pressed him 1-2 weeks before the break up for more attention. A friend of mine said he probably got fed up and gave up. I also blocked his female friend on social media, not sure it was a good idea now, but it hurt me to see her.These are my questions. Please feel free to make your pick and comment on whichever you like. Thank you so much! ////1. What is keeping him from being with me? 47.5 > 40 /////2. What can I to to increase chances of reconciliation? 20.3.6 > 39 /////3. What if I contact him? 18.2.3 > 23 ////4. Will he contact me? 53.3 > 20 ////5. What are his feelings for me at the present? 19.1 > 7 ////6. How can I convince him to make another try? 18.2.4 > 56

 

[MapleTree]

I apologize for how the text came out (no breaks), I don't know why.

 

[moss elk]

There are two things that strike me about your story. The first is that I don't think the man and friend have told you everything that you should know, something feels dishonest about this.

Secondly, you are describing a one-sided relationship where he has all the power.
I would not counsel anyone to pursue such a thing. All of your questions are about him, him, Him. Try to focus some questions on You. What is best for You to do about this/him.

 

[MapleTree]

There are two things that strike me about your story. The first is that I don't think the man and friend have told you everything that you should know, something feels dishonest about this. Secondly, you are describing a one-sided relationship where he has all the power. I would not counsel anyone to pursue such a thing. All of your questions are about him, him, Him. Try to focus some questions on You. What is best for You to do about this/him.

I felt the same, that there is some dishonesty, maybe that they were talking the whole time. Maybe something else. Some of my friends said that it's possible that his mother may have not liked me much and used his female friend that she is Also friends with to get us broken since I blindly trusted her and told her all. Or that she was jealous of me. Or that our break up was a coincidence with me talking to her. She called me from time to time, telling negative stuff about him. I assume in an attempt to turn me off about him? And control me to forget him. Yes. He has all the power and it's painful to get to this, from him telling me he cannot believe he has a chance with me. And that he doesn't know what he did to deserve me. When it comes to me I am traumatized and I still cry and can' sleep at night. Still in a lot of pain. I felt he was my pair, the one I will settle down with.

 

[moss elk]

Yes. He has all the power and it's painful to get to this.

He only has it because you gave it to him.
You have to reclaim your power.
(and it doesn't require anything from him, no talk with him, no 'telling him off', nothing at all.)
It is something you do all on your own.

 

[diamanda]

What is keeping him from being with me? 47.5 > 40
He's feeling trapped and wants to be free.

What can I to to increase chances of reconciliation? 20.3.6 > 39
Think back on other similar occasions in your life.
Also have a think on how other couples are working out.
The road ahead is blocked I'm afraid.

What if I contact him? 18.2.3 > 23
He will pretend that the fault is yours. If you're strict he might try to correct himself.
And in the end you'll break up again.

Will he contact me? 53.3 > 20
It doesn't sound like it.

What are his feelings for me at the present? 19.1 > 7
He's going out with his friends, that's where his feelings are at present.

How can I convince him to make another try? 18.2.4 > 56
Pretend the fault is yours, and put up with his madness.
And the result is loneliness anyway.

To go back to what I wrote above,
"Think back on other similar occasions in your life.
Also have a think on how other couples are working out."
When a guy says "he was not sure", and "He was acting hot and cold", "he became very distant", he said "he can't be with anyone", then he wanted to try but "then changed his mind in days"...

...then how, after these facts, you can say "the one I will settle down with"?

A guy who wants to settle down would never behave in this manner.

I understand it hurts a lot, and really sorry it happened to you. But seriously, this guy sounds like bad news. Place your energy into finding someone else, this one is no good.

 

[MapleTree]

When a guy says "he was not sure", and "He was acting hot and cold", "he became very distant", he said "he can't be with anyone", then he wanted to try but "then changed his mind in days"...

...then how, after these facts, you can say "the one I will settle down with"?

Thank you so much for helping with the readings, you are really good!
He chased me hard and said he feels we are meant to be together and that he can't believe I like him too. I don't know what happened, after a while started acting strangely, on one hand saying how much he missed me and that he wanted us to make a future together. He insisted that when I finish a project in my town, I move in with him and that he meant it. But at the same time we spoke less, even daily or almost every day, but would take him half a day or a day to reply and wouldn't look at what I wrote, even if he was online and that's what basically pushed me over the edge and I started to press him, reproach him we don't talk enough, that he takes a long time to reply, I wrote long texts to him. That's why my friend said he got fed up and didn't want to try anymore.
On the other hand he had a huge stress in his life, basically his life depended on the fact whether he passed the university year, or else he'd have to go back to his country and not able to take his parent's business. He had a lot of exams and studies in a month from the break up (in June-July)
It would have been easier to get over him, but I just felt bad about pressing and also talking to his friend (for which he got upset).

What if I contact him? 18.2.3 > 23
He will pretend that the fault is yours. If you're strict he might try to correct himself.
And in the end you'll break up again.

He made some attempts at correcting when I was with him and changed, for the better, but then I blew up (see above). I don't believe he has very good relating skills, he runs away from confrontation, emotions. If I wrote long paragraphs about our issues, he'd just leave me talking by myself, which triggered my abandonment issues, and round we go. And I'd write those paragraphs, because of stress and become emotional.
Is it possible to clarify a bit on being strict?

Again, thank you!

 

[millicano]

Im sorry for you Maple Tree..
Going thru same shit with similar behavior with and from this guy...
I guess the only thing to do is reclaiming the power of our own lives..
And going forward with one thing in mind.... and that is " one can never force people to love or like one.... the end of that might be the beginning of something new.. better... with someone who really cherish our presence in their lives.... and the obstacle is gone and in the past.. no more in the way of anything or anyone one might not have discovered if he was still there... in the way... this is the new beginning... towards the future.. and one is a bit wiser than before.. ".. ❤❤❤