Please help with understanding this Difficulty

[kdedeaux4]

This tumultuous roller coaster ride with my bf has gone beyond unbearable and feels too drenched with pieces of insanity to continue. My drive to understand life and people may prove to be nothing but a ticket to looney-ville for myself and a choice to remain permanently in a state of dis-harmony. This is painful to accept and I’ve done all I feel is possible to understand and/or resolve the issues and now I’ve decided to walk away…actually, that I must walk away. These experiences are so hard to describe, but feel like a dream where everything is sunny and bright and happy, you close your eyes for just a quick moment to enjoy and savor such beautiful wonder then open them to find you’re actually sittimg in the very pit of hell and despair, where each and every element has suddenly turned into (or always was?) its opposite - something horrifying and ugly. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde all residing within one personality… It’s very frightening and deeply unnerving!
And it’s heartbreaking after such a strong, hopeful and happy connection between us that it comes to this…
I’ve casted several times over the past month for insight and advice into this mind-boggling downward spiral of events. The only “issues” we seem to have are not really “issues” at all, but more like flashes of living in Alice and Wonderland type situation where all is “normal”….and wonderful even, but then suddenly nothing makes any sense at all, is all flipped about; where everything that is isn’t and everything that was…wasn’t. It’s so confusing and senseless that it causes me to question my own grip and perception of reality/sanity!
That said, I asked the IChing what are the true issues underneath all this gibbering ridiculous-ness…what is it really all about about?
Response: Hex 3.1.4. -->45
Difficulty at the beginning…well, there certainly wasn’t or I can’t imagine I’d have allowed this to continue on to this point of ugly detriment!
Line 1 says hang in there…there’s a solution and an end to these difficulties? …Already have hung in there. My sanity and peaceful spirit is too valuable to me to continue holding on to what’s so painful and makes no sense whatsoever simply on the fact that it showed no signs of anything like this up until recently. It’s time I accepted the now and that this(whatever this is!) is just what it is and the only power I have in the situation is to continue accepting it (and quite possibly go stark raving mad) or to choose not to accept it.
Line 4: seeking marriage?? I’M certainly not seeking marriage and I’m confident my bf isn’t any time soon either, as he’s just been through a horrible divorce! So, how would this apply?

45 isn’t offering me much understanding either… (except maybe it's reassuring me that to post for help regarding this here in this community is a good choice...make an attempt to "gather with others"?
I always feel so needy when I post for interpretation help. There are vast resources available on this site alone to deeper understanding and I read through them very carefully. And when I think of the serious challenges some face in this world, my own just seem trifling and silly to bother anyone else with. However, I think I’m often either unwilling or unable to comprehend how these insights might apply. Perhaps I’m just always standing way too close to the tree to see the rest of the luscious forest of wisdom the IChing graciously offers.

Because this relationship had very deep significant meaning and purpose in my life just not that long ago, this has caused serious some serious pain to my heart and damage to my spirit. I desperately want to have as much understanding of it as possible. I feel it had to have been for some greater purpose/learning(other than simply a cruel lesson in strength of holding onto sanity and spirit while being blasted away on a regular basis).

So, as always, I am grateful and open to the thoughts of others more wise to these insights than I.
Thank you all so much!
Namaste
:bows:

 

[rodaki]

hi,

I can't know whether you wrote the above in an emotional outburst or you feel like that all the time (?) but either way it doesn't sound a good place to be in. So of course the first reaction you should be getting from your answer is 'Get out!': surrounded by hard rock, incapable of moving forward, gather your resources, make no wars and butt out. Brad often says that 45 is about feeling safe-like entering a church during war perhaps? The meaning is obvious though: get yourself to a place where you can regroup and which can help you ground yourself back to wellness.

On the other hand, there might be a reason this didn't come up as an obvious answer and I wonder whether the answer describes your idea of your partner: someone locked inside their difficulties who needs to be saved (?) Are you dreaming yourself perhaps as the force who's gonna drag him out of there?

You might not, but I have to ask cause it's so often women play the scenario of 'he feels love for me but he needs me to teach him how to act on his true feelings too' in their heads to justify troublesome situations . . EVEN IF that scenario is true, I find it smarter to let the man unwind and untangle himself first and actually man up and ask you for what he needs . . then you could work it from there.
But till then, you might as well set your own safety lines - lakes (as in hx45) are not seas and their coastline is their point of existence . .


I wish you good luck with it!

 

[kdedeaux4]

Rodaki,

Thank you for responding

I apologize if my post was an emotional outburst. I didn't intend to post anything so obviously inappropriate as an outburst. My intention was to describe the situation without the play by play of, "last night he blah blah blah and last week he blah, blah blah"..etc...but to offer some insight as to the general situation. Yes, it is a painful and emotional situation, but I had no idea my description of such would be interpreted as you've seen it.
Although I understand your questsion, no, I'm not trying to "save" him or teach him to feel his love or anything of the kind. I'm in no position for that nor would I attempt to do such a thing. We are two grown adults, not teenagers. And he came to me with that type of a character, knowing the drastic losses and life upheavals I had endured prior to meeting him, he acted as though he was strong and caring enough to hold my hand while I picked up my pieces and put things back together for my life. All of which meant a great deal to me...but has turned out to feel much like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I feel stupid that my reading so obviously said "get out!" and I posted for insight. Apologies again. Did you get that from my reading itself or more from my attempt to describe the situation? I ask because I have already gotten out of the relationship and I am now, with head spinning, trying to find some understanding in what was actually going on with the whole thing, not to attempt repair, but simply for my own peace of mind, as I've already clearly determined that my only healthy option was to leave the relationship.
I didn't understand the response in context to my question, so I posted for insight, rather hoping the safe "meeting" in 45 might be here among more objective folks with more experience and less emotion involved.

Again, thank you for responding and know that I'm sincerely sorry for my unintentional outburt in my post.
namaste'

 

[rodaki]

why on earth are you apologizing? If your head is spinning then it means you are overloaded (and yes, overload also brings lots of emotion with it) and your first post was showing exactly that . . So I was being very objectively pointing it out. From where I'm standing, emotion is ok and nothing to apologize for. No need to get upset because someone is pointing out the obvious here, or to give that response to someone who's putting out their thought, time and helping hand to what you have asked

oh, and btw I can't seem to find the point where you indicate that you are not in the relationship anymore, hence my answer

 

[kdedeaux4]

By writing,

This is painful to accept and I’ve done all I feel is possible to understand and/or resolve the issues and now I’ve decided to walk away…actually, that I must walk away.

I was explaining that I had walked away from (ended) the relationship.

Thank you for pointing out my emotional outburst and then reassuring me that it's ok to do so. My apology was due to the fact that I intended no such thing, a description of the situation behind my ending the relationship was my intention.

I also thanked you for responding, so I'm not sure why you say there's no need to

"get upset because someone is pointing out the obvious here, or to give that response to someone who's putting out their thought, time and helping hand to what you have asked."

Please know Roadki that I wasn't upset whatsoever at what you wrote, I merely didn't realize my post was an "emotional outburst"...nor did I understand my reading so obviously said, "get out!", as that doesn't at all address the question I posed to the IChing or even my situation at the time of my casting.
No wonder I couldn't make sense of the response! It didn't address my question...
That said, I thank you yet again for your time and insight and apologize that my previous gratitude for such was not heard.
namaste':bows:
~kd

 

[rodaki]

3.1,4 shows someone in need of to getting out of a hard place and renewing their strength in order to do so - any way you look at it, this makes large part of its meaning. Even if you don't think it corresponds well with your question, the core of the casting's meaning still remains

No reason to comment on anything else here, may you find what you need

 

[kdedeaux4]

In light of that insight you offered, perhaps the meaning behind the experiencewas simply to further my spirit's "strengthening" exercises even more than they already have been recently. I suppose I was secretly hoping for some bigger reason for it than just more of the same "life challenges".
I really appreciate your patience with my emotions and confusion regarding this reading and am very grateful for your insight and your kindness.
namaste'