Real problem between P and X

[Greenkid]

Dear all
I've written a long missive and it has disappeared. I need help please. My son has a partner that he has left a number of times but keeps returning to for the sake of the children - two girls 7 years and 11 years old. (That is the reason he gives anyway) I've just spent 4 days with them buying food for them, he is sick with kidney stones, bladder infection and a hernia which they have had scanned (a worry). The day I went he could hardly walk for the pain around his hips and pelvis The children had been off school all week 'with a cold' yet they were giggling and chasing each other all over the house. X went to work at 12 md (until 3.30) so I took P and the girls to eat Fish&Chips (no food in the house) Then spent £47 on groceries for them. On our return I washed a sink full of dirty dishes whilst P cooked some dinner. The dishes are frequently left until they are stinking and none left to use, even though they have a 'dishwasher'. X spends money like there is no tomorrow, wastes food and allows the girls to do the same - the younger one asked for, and was given a sandwich, she ate the contents and left 90% of the bread, no-one said a word to her. My son, of course should have made her eat it all but I think that X has completely destroyed his confidence. (I have given him an affirmation to keep repeating "I now reclaim my power") I musn't take up too much of your attention. But, the day before I left X and I talked until the early hours, the next day I got up at 9am she got up at 3.35pm, then yelled at him for not waking her, then yelled again because he hadn't given the girls lunch. - he had given them cereals and a sandwich just before 12md then I had taken him out for breakfast so that we could talk in private.
I asked 'I' "In what way can their situation be improved" Answer Hex 6.3 to 44. My previous question was "What is the real problem between P and X" answer 41.1,6 to 7.
I have frequently helped them out with money but have now told them that my savings are gon e so cannot help them further. I am tempted to report her to the social services - she also claims benefits as a single mother. Please help if you can. Thankyou.
P.S. P had called X to get up about 11.45 then sent the younger child to call her again and let her know we were going out. P.P.S He is extremely thin and I am worried about his health. Thankyou again

 

[Trojina]

Hi, I've looked in my journal for this cast and see I had when asking if I were on track for getting support with a health issue. I did eventually and broadly speaking it centred around separating the wheat from the chaff, clarifying, finding a focus (hex 7)

You feel you have lots to get busy about...all sorts of problems to solve. I think you need to simplify (41) and focus (7). Okay I know you asked about the problem between them....but is that really the true main focus of your concern ?


I say this because you have limited energy to deal with problems and so there is no point wasting it in aiming to solve problems which are way outside of your remit.

Whatever is the problem between them it isn't your responsibility to solve it or understand it. You can't.

As an outsider I see the first responsibility you do have as a grandparent is to do what is right for the children.

Do you think reporting the mother to social services is best for the children ? If you do then do it. Adults have choice, children don't and child neglect or abuse cannot be tolerated or ignored ever.

IMO they are your first priority over and above concern for your son, who can make choices and his wife....who can make choices.

You asked in what way their situation can be improved and got 6.3>44 . Not sure if you meant improved by you or by them....Phew...well by you not really. I mean 6.3 goes by higher ideals, is true to a vision but that does not always translate into results.

I think you need to be very directed in your approach here. (hex 7)

List your priorities. There are some things you can do nothing about, such as the state of their marriage and the time she gets up and the dishes she leaves in the sink. So you can't spend energy thinking of that...I think 41.1.6>7 says simplify your goals here....even be a bit ruthless, take charge of what you can take charge of.

Are there any basics you can insist on as a grandparent ?

For example whatever else is going on might you insist on the children having good food each day and so on ? Practically I have no idea.....I mean if you live near you could insist that in the midst of this chaos the children come to you each day for supper....or whatever.

I think if it takes threats for you to see these children are okay then that's okay. The children are the absolute priority here.

So 41.1.6>7 makes me feel you need to

1. Be crystal clear about what you can influence and what you can't.
2. Don't be afraid to assert yourself here
3. Have a clear simple plan focused on improving the kids living conditions
4. Don't get side tracked by thinking about their marital issues or her slovenliness. You can't impact on that.



I think once you have a plan and you focus on that then you will be doing the best you can do as a grand parent. I think it's really tough watching children being not well looked after. I can see why if she won't care for them as she should you would want to take them and tell her to go and get herself sorted out so she can be a decent mother. But you have to consider the bigger picture too....like a military manoeuvre, have a plan.

I don't know what plan .....but it seems to me it involves taking charge of the children in some way on a regular basis so at least they get to eat. I know you are already doing all you can but it seems to me your thoughts about the couple are getting in the way of the action you need to take.

Calling social services is risky for many reasons. I mean it will ruin your relationship with her and kids generally want to stay with parents however crap they are. I think perhaps you should be firm, take charge of some things around the children and tell the parents unless they agree to basic terms of child care you might report them, if it's that bad I mean.

I know your son is ill but still he is an adult and can assert himself.


Lots of repetition there, sorry...Perhaps others might have some more practical suggestions if they have experienced similar with grandchildren ?

 

[Greenkid]

Thank you Trojina. I will have to digest all you have said. They live 100 miles away from me so no possibility of me having them frequently. When they do come to me (When she allows it) she rings to demand them to be brought back long before it was arranged for them to do so. He says that she threatens him that she will prevent him seeing them at all if he doesn't bring them back when she demands it. Maybe he will have to get some legal advice.
The social services are already involved because of their frequent absence from school but she has the house all clean and tidy when they are due to arrive. I thinkI will have to ask 'I' some further questions Thank you again Trojina you are very kind. Her slovenliness though frequently ends in mouldy food and dishes lying about. He usually ends up washing the dishes and even doing the laundry.

 

[ginnie]

"In what way can their situation be improved" Answer Hex 6.3 to 44.

Bless you for watching over the troubled family and making sure the kids are getting fed. It must be hard to endure: seeing the mess and hearing all the yelling that goes on. Yet your reading says it is good that you have stepped in and taken over at times, because you have good, strong values. I agree with Trojina about the general meaning of your reading.

 

[pocossin]

What way can their situation be improved?
6.3 > 44

The family sounds defeated. Usually there is not this level of demoralization without drugs, alcohol, or mental illness involved. If so, there is no easy fix.The solution is discipline and supervision, but that is not easy to come by. Could you talk with a case worker at social services in your area for advice? If you are suspected of making a complaint, you will be cut off from the children. Some use B6 to treat bladder infection and kidney stones.

 

[Greenkid]

Thank you poccosin and Ginnie.
I did think pocossin that she had mental problems but recently I'm beginning to believe that she is like that to P deliberately. She is charming to me, to my face anyway, then nasty to him if I have said something she didn't like. On re-reading Hex 57 I am wondering if 'I' is saying "don't defend yourself because you won't win, instead - become a part of her" i.e. when she yells at him for not giving the girls lunch, maybe he should say quietly. "well I was just thinking actually, as you love the girls so much, why were you not down here before 3.30 in the afternoon making sure that they were fed. and each time she finds another complaint that he retaliates with a similar observation about her - all in a very quiet controlled way.
I have thought for many years that she has had some kind of hold over him, for instance he has had many excellent jobs as Head Chef, even at the 'Ivy' in London. He has run restaurants and increased profits for them all but is now working for minimum wage at a job he hates, each time she has persuaded him to leave
and move elsewhere. He doesn't have proper qualifications for head chef but has always been highly thought of where-ever he worked and I'm wondering if that is her Ace card. He never wanted children but she 'forgot' her tablets so got pregnant twice. He loves the children which is why he goes back to her each time. The children though are growing up like her, manipulative and wasteful. I have just spent £160 on food for them then no-one comments when the younger one discards 90% of a sandwich and the older one discards most of a pear. He is not supposed to be living with her so she could get into a great deal of trouble if she gets found out. Thankyou for B6 advice, I have given him a supply of Vit C and B Complex
but I'll get some more B6. Also I will try to talk to a case worker but I don't know if they will agree to talk about some-one else's problems. I'll try though. Thankyou once again. Please tell me what you think of my take on Hex 57 (44 to 57)

 

[pocossin]

Thank you for B6 advice, I have given him a supply of Vit C and B Complex
but I'll get some more B6. Also I will try to talk to a case worker but I don't know if they will agree to talk about someone else's problems. I'll try though. Thank you once again. Please tell me what you think of my take on Hex 57 (44 to 57)

Look, I would not have given advice on B6 had I not practiced it on myself, as I have done daily for the last forty years. I have been free of kidney stone that long, but this simple home remedy doesn't work for about one third, so I cannot guarantee it. Unless there is a chemical analysis of kidney stones, there is no way to know whether or not B6 is the solution except by trying it. If it works for your son, it is a simple and inexpensive solution to an intractable and extraordinary painful problem. Kidney stones run in my mother's family, and I had them. I had no success in telling my aunts what a simple solution there was to this inherited problem. One ignored me by telling me, "If I needed B6 my doctor would tell me," and under my breath I said to myself, "Enjoy your suffering," which indeed occurred repeatedly until her death. I will look at your take on Hex 57 when time permits.

 

[goddessliss]

Hi Miegga, 41.1.6>7 - I think Trojina says the same thing but Get a Plan first and foremost and make it about improving the lives of your grandchildren. Do not focus and waste your energy on the mother's negativity in anyway.
Get the help of anyone you can with that plan as Hex 7 states the Elder and more experienced know best - that's you!
Buying food for them, whilst needed, is only having a bandaid effect.
Get your son to a nutritionist and a counselor if you can and maybe you too.
In part of you original post you almost apologise for 'taking up members time' on here - why? That's why this forum exists, if we think anyone's taking up our time we stop reading and move on.
You are worthy and so is your son and so are your grandchildren - once you learn that, they will too.
Lead by example beautiful woman - you are the Elder - Liss

 

[Greenkid]

Thankyou poccosin I will get him some B6. BTW I was not questioning your B6 advice I am a great believer in natural treatments. How much does he need to take? I think that my take on Hex 57 is probably incorrect. As a matter of interest I asked 'I' Where do I belong and received Hex 57.5 to 18
Thankyou Liss, you are all so kind on this forum, what lovely people you are.
Love to you all Meigga.

 

[goddessliss]

Where do I belong and received Hex 57.5 to 18

Exactly where you are Meigga - taking action, being persistent and shaping a more positive life for these children from the corruption. - Liss

 

[pocossin]

I will get him some B6. How much does he need to take?

A very small amount, maybe 15 mg a day, is supposed to be enough, but I am unable to find such small pills. I am now taking 100 mg a day because that seems to have become the standard minimum dose here. I used to try to cut the pills in half, but it's not worth the effort. If it works, it's a cheap fix for a horrible problem.

 

[Greenkid]

Thankyou pocossin 100 mg will not harm him. The only thing I would say is that the B vitamins usually work in synergy and if you take one of them in large amounts it could make you short of the others. I am though reading about Niacin which is B3 and is being used in mega doses, as is Vitamin C. I believe that most people are short of the B vitamins especially. Thankyou once again. meigga

 

[pocossin]

Where do I belong?
57.5 > 18

I agree with Liss. The wind blow from afar. I think you will remain a remote authority figure with some influence on this unhealthy home. In Hatcher's translation, line 5 is auspicious for a positive change.

Persistence is promising
Regrets pass
Nothing cannot be turned to advantage
Regardless of beginning, there will be an outcome
Before reforming, three days
After reforming three days
Opportune

 

[Greenkid]

Thankyou pocossin, that sounds good, I hadn't understood that at all.
Trogina, thankyou. I have re-read your very helpful post and will try to make a proper plan of action.
Thankyou all for your help I will try to keep you posted. Love to you all. meigga

 

[Greenkid]

Hello all you helpful people
Iv'e done some thinking about all your very helpful advice. Liss, you are right about the 'bandaid' and it has reminded me of an old adage "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish and you feed him for life" unfortunately I don't think that X is interested in fishing, only in taking. A person who will allow a child to waste 90% of a sandwich she has just requested and that someone else has provided is being neither frugal nor even grateful. So I have decided there will be no more 'bandaids' she and my son will have to find two feet to stand on. Incidently pocossin, about your suggestion of mental problems, it is possible, although I wonder if a 'control freek' can be considered to be mentally deranged. Whenever X is included in anything - a visit, going for a walk, a job to be done, an appointment, etc., etc., she is hours, and I do mean hours, late. Everyone must wait until she is ready. My son, of course is at fault for allowing her to do it. One time I was taking my son for an interview for running a small cafe, she decided she would come along too, so I told them both, a number of times, that I would not leave the house one second after 12.55 so as not to be late. At 12.54 she was nowhere near ready to go so I left without her - she was puce with anger.
My son is continuing with the affirmation "I now re-claim my power" so hopefully things will improve.
BTW Liss I hope you were not offended by my outspoken remarks in your post. No offense was intended and my sincere apologies if any were taken.. Outspoken-ness is a big fault of mine I'm afraid but no offense is ever intended. May thanks to you all. meigga:bows:

 

[Greenkid]

Hi pocossin, My sons scan showed Cysts in both kidneys and the beginings of arthritis in his lower back, no stones at present - he could have passed them. This only a partial report apparently. He is still taking
B6, B complex, C and E. Thankyou once again. meigga