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Recent break-up with the love of my life...

stfreq

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Greetings all,

First off, I'm new to this board and a neophyte to the I Ching. This looks like a beautiful, supportive community -- I'm glad to have found it! I took a teleseminar on Divination last fall and was very intrigued by a talk by Stephen Karcher, which led to my buying one of his books as well as Wilhelm/Baynes.

I hadn't had much pressing need to consult the oracle until the beginning of February, when my girlfriend abruptly broke things off with me. We'd been dating for a year and a half, but we'd previously crossed paths several times over the past 10 years, since high school. Our shared passions and interests are uncanny, and we're both Geminis. I definitely feel for the first time in my life that I've found my soulmate in her.

The challenge from the beginning, however, has been a big one. She was separated and in the process of a divorce when we ran into each other and began dating. The divorce was her own decision -- there were too many irreconcilable differences for her. She was unsure if she was ready for another serious relationship, but we both felt it was worth trying. From the start, our relationship was imbalanced in my treading carefully with her emotions and giving her space to heal. There were several occasions throughout our time together where she would grow emotionally distant, and I would suffer silently. Eventually the tension would come to a head and she would reluctantly admit that her grief from the failed marriage was clouding her feelings. After these intense outpourings, we would continue on. My hope was that this would grow easier with time, and I avoided raising the issue or pressuring her to talk through the emotions.

Last fall I suggested we move out of our hometown together, for a fresh start somewhere else. She put her house on the market, and it sold very quickly. It felt like it was meant to be. We made plans to move at the end of the coming summer. Things seemed better -- there was no emotional distance, and we both seemed on a solid path together. But then at the beginning of February, she abruptly ended things. She told me she wants to be alone -- that she doesn't "feel the same way" I do, and that for the longest time she'd been attributing it to her divorce. So, it seems she has shifted from thinking that her pain/grief from the divorce was the reason for not falling fully in love with me -- to the feeling that there's just something missing between us.

Looking at all this, I'm sure it could seem that it just isn't meant to work out. But without turning this post into a novel (sorry!), I will just say that there is amazing potential for us, and I feel that perhaps the timing was not in our favor. I feel that given another chance, we could more openly discuss and work through the emotions involved and grow intimate at the level we weren't able to before.

It has been 2 months, and there has been some email communication, fairly one-sided from me pouring my heart out. I have gone through many shades of grief, and it continues still.

Thank you for reading this lengthy explanation -- it still doesn't do justice to all the factors involved, but I felt it is important to understand my predicament in regards to the readings I've done.

A few weeks back, I asked the Yi "What about she and I getting back together?"
I got 19 changing to 24 as a response. This seemed to be very favorable, indicating that if I used care and sympathy, and patience, that it would work out in the end.

I recently asked the same question again. This came after an email exchange that was somewhat harshly worded on my part. I felt I might've fallen off the path that the Yi advised, and wanted to know -- once and for all -- if I should give this any more hope or energy, or just give up and move on. I also was hoping for insight on how I should proceed, if there is a chance.

This time, I got: 32 changing to 40. This seemed to suggest that I should continue working to mend the relationship, that a reconciliation is possible. I was a little confused by the 32.3 line, which implies improper actions on my part and "disgrace" as a result.

Overall, I feel that the Yi is telling me to not give up hope, to persevere. I was prepared for a response that conclusively told me it is not going to happen, so I could begin the process of healing from this. I realize I have little knowledge of how to properly interpret these readings, and don't want to draw the wrong conclusions in this important question.

Again my apologies for the length of this entreaty, but any help or insight here would be hugely appreciated.

Cheers,
ST
 

arabella

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Hello there. If this were my reading, I would interpret 32.3 as an indication that somebody without commitment, who sways the conversation one way and then the other, is in the driver's seat and pulling this relationship all over the map. Which sounds like what you are describing. Hexagram 40 points to liberation, being your own person, setting goals that are within your control. It's difficult to "mend" something that you didn't break. It sounds like you came into her life at a place when everything was in flux and that just hasn't changed. "From the start our relationship was imbalanced" you say. It seems the IChing is predicting more of the same.

In the reading you've cast, the IChing would seem to indicate a root problem of not being able to commit, and a continual changing of the mind, which is how you describe the course of this relationship. She reacts and you attempt to stabilise, she goes through moods and you attempt to compensate. Could that be what went wrong in her marriage too? I don't think the "improper actions" you mention were on your part in this situation, but on hers.

Standing back and trying to see objectively the true potential you have had with this woman, doesn't it seem that nothing can really improve unless she has a change of heart and approach to this relationship? Logically, you can have no real effect on her, only on yourself.

And, where in the first casting your outcome hexagram was 24, this often indicates a need to return to yourself, to your own values and needs, and let the situation play out as it will while you stand firmly and reflect those attitudes that maintain your personal stability. It's not that unusual that we see people we believe we love as we want or imagine them to be, not as they really are. If she doesn't see the amazing potential that you do, how can this progress as a relationship that offers you what you deserve to have in a true partnership? Sounds like time for a breather, and a reality check because she has thrown in the towel and you are still trying for both of you.
 

stfreq

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Hi, thanks for your interpretation. It seems very challenging to know when the Yi is talking about your own self, or someone else... I appreciate the insights.
 

willowfox

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A few weeks back, I asked the Yi "What about she and I getting back together?"
I got 19.2 changing to 24

This suggests that given time it could indeed happen, but don't force it, as this is a natural cycle that she is going through, her star is heavy at the moment.

This time, I got: 32 changing to 40

19.2 >24 This suggests that given time it could indeed happen, but don't force it, as this is a natural cycle that she is going through, her star is heavy at the moment.


32.3 > 40 Read the line, as your impatience and frustration are clearly shown here and that will cause further disruption unless you calm down, pushing her is going to set your quest way back down the road. You have a choice, calm down and things start getting better or be silly and lose out to your moods.
 

stfreq

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Very interesting, thank you willowfox. This is close to how I was reading these, but I thought maybe I was projecting my own biased wishes into the messages I was hearing.

The 32.3 line is interesting, because I specifically asked the question again in the concern that my acting out had compromised things. I did feel that this line was speaking directly to this concern. But I wasn't sure if it also meant that the way was now closed for us as a result. Is there anything in this latter reading that suggests that? Or does Hex 40 imply a positive outcome?

Also, where do you see information about her star being heavy?

Thank you sincerely once again!

-st
 

stfreq

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I had one additional reading that I didn't share previously. I'm intrigued now to ask for help in interpreting it as well.

My question was "What should my attitude toward X be?" -- as far as working toward reconciliation and future contact.

The response was 64.2,6 > 16

I believe I misinterpreted this initially, thinking the Yi was sidestepping my question about the relationship and instead giving me advice on my own personal path forward. But now I have gone back to look at it, and wonder if it is actually advice on how to proceed with her.

It seems to suggest a successful outcome on the horizon, but that I must wait longer before making a strong attempt. The Nine above line seems to indicate that I must be especially careful at the cusp of this event, or else I might blow it... Not sure what Hex 16 is about here, but it sounds favorable as well...

... am I totally off-base?

cheers,
st
 

arabella

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Again, looks like something that has to "play out" where all the facts aren't in yet and, not to push, as Willow Fox has said already. There is a series of events, or a process that has to be completed. Which may well be the remainder of her emotional recovery from her last relationship? In my experience, Hexagram 16 gives a caution not to go overboard. Seems to me, like something has to start coming from her side of the arrangement for this to work anyway.

IMHO it is not a good idea anyway to layer one relationship off the back of another, but far more intelligent to come to terms fully with the first and have some clear notion of what went wrong. Then you have a basis to go forward if you have the lessons of the first breakup understood.

If you have WF's assurance of hope here, you can be pleased. Her predictions are quite amazing and I am in the course of living one of them out right now -- with great hope. But be sure to follow the advice too, and take your time and be respectful of the other person's need to withdraw at the moment, a space where that glimmer of possibility can get some oxygen and take hold. This last reading would seem to confirm what Willow Fox has said. Calm down is one message of Hexagram 16. And where the other readings may have your partner in mind, this one seems more about you and squarely answers your question of the attitude to take and says there is more to understand here than you know now.
 
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willowfox

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My question was "What should my attitude toward X be?" -- as far as working toward reconciliation and future contact.

The response was 64.2,6 > 16

Hex 40 does indicate that it's possible to overcome the problems but don't blame her for her bit of weird behaviour, just let it go.


Your attitude should be one of forgiveness, so stop feeling angry and aggrieved, she wants to see your honest feelings for her, your sincerity otherwise she will only think that you are thinking of your own selfish interests.
 

stfreq

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Many thanks again... I will let you all know how things turn out.

-st
 

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