retiring therapist after 15 years

[TygerChild]

My psychotherapist is retiring in August, 2009, after working with me for 15 years - psychodynamic/support therapy.My question was how do I optimize my chances of having regular contact with him after he retires? (ie. either in terms of therapy or support or friendship.
I cast coins and got hexagram 64. Changing line at top., making it change into Hexagram 40.
Can someone help me to interpret the reading please?
Also, I think I may need to do a new reading as I have had e mail contact wth him today, it kind of got a bit rocky, but now I am calm again...

 

[Trojina]

My psychotherapist is retiring in August, 2009, after working with me for 15 years - psychodynamic/support therapy.My question was how do I optimize my chances of having regular contact with him after he retires? (ie. either in terms of therapy or support or friendship.I cast coins and got hexagram 64. Changing line at top., making it change into Hexagram 40.
Can someone help me to interpret the reading please?
Also, I think I may need to do a new reading as I have had e mail contact wth him today, it kind of got a bit rocky, but now I am calm again...

Shouldn't he have worked pretty thoroughly through with you your wish to optimise these chances...as in he's gotten you to do the transference thing but its not meant to remain as the wish to be with him..its just a stage of the process in this kind of therapy isn't it ? The whole point is you are able to work through the desire of transference yes...but not stay there. I'm referring to transference as in Client 'falls in love' with therapist so therapist can work with those intense feelings once attached to parents so client can work through those feelings and then let go/come to terms with things...it should never be the case the attachment becomes a real relationship in psychodynamic therapy though its different in other therapies...but in all therapies theres ethical boundaries due to the clients vulnerabilty

If hes retiring I'd have thought you and he would have explored in some depth how you are going to negotiate this change and what it means etc etc especially after 15 years. The fact you are asking Yi how to prolong contact indicates you aren't saying these things to him...and as i assume you've been paying him all this time i think its only fair he should be exploring with you now your wish to retain contact..since i don't think therapists as a rule can turn into friends. How he manges this wish is extremely important as the culmination of your therapy with him..

Perhaps you are hoping he will keep you on as a client though he has retired...hmm well that has to be something openly discussed with him doesn't it rather than a case of you 'optimizing chances'...


well i haven't yet mentioned 64.6 which talks about not going over the top in celebrating success. Maybe this therapy has been very beneficial to you but maybe you are in danger of going overboard, need some boundaries. Well its his job to work with those boundaries with you...and I'm wondering if hes the one 64.6 refers to though it wouldn't usually be.. like hes so keen to retire hes not paying enough attention to how hes ending with existing clients..though I'm sure he must be aware of that

 

[tigerintheboat]

The Edge of Change, Loosen Your Hold

You are at the start of a new situation (H64), "on the edge of an important change" (Karcher)...the change is a loosening, an removing of knots, a liberation, the end of suffering (H40)."

Could it be your are addicted to the psychotherapy process and the practitioner? The Yi says you are having this knot removed, suffering removed. Could it be that there is pain in the process, or that, at least by contrast, that life free of the process could be better, more happy, after all these years? Like any relationship for which the time of its purpose has passed?

But you want to stay together with the therapist and hold on....maybe the tighter you hold on, the less chance of achieving your goal of seeing the therapist on a personal level. By loosening, perhaps you can achieve your goal in Line 6, gathering together to celebrate. But do not lose consciousness in celebration (getting drunk)..."Do not soak your head and lose yourself in the past. Feel the new time and let all that go." (Karcher).

Good luck with the edge of change and loosening your hold on the past relationship.

 

[TygerChild]

Hi Trojan,
thanks for your reply and comments.
Well, really the therapy has been more supportive than anything, and because I have Borderline Personality Disorder he at first kept sending me away saying the therapy could make me worse rather than better and only after several years did he eventually take me on board. We have often discussed his family, his preferences in literature, art, poetry etc, and he has advised me on health issues, been more of a 'mentor' really. Not soft exactly but has been a 'soothing' influence. He has attended Case conferences and in a way 'batted' for me, and has said he is fond of me - made me feel something of a 'favourite', 'special' etc. That is why it is so hard. He did say he would see me after he retired, in some way, (nothing improper you understand) but has recently back-tracked on that. My emotional development has been somewhat stunted in my life, and this transference thing has been especially powerful as I have viewed him, felt about him rather as a father. I know it is not the 'done' thng, but it has seemed like continued contact was possible.

 

[TygerChild]

Hi tigerintheboat,
Thank you for your interpretation etc. I can see what I need to do now, more and more clearly - I need to let go. I was just hoping though that I might have some kind of contact with him on a different footing than therapy, beyond his retirement - one where I am not so needy, but can relate more maturely. He has been rather ambivalent about this and presently seems to be decided that this is not what he wants...mainly I think because I have rather unstable recently due to various factors in my life, not least of all that I have recently transferred to a new psychiatrist who has been quite indifferent and rejecting. The therapist is an NHS therapist so it has not been a question of payment.

 

[bamboo]

In US psychotherapeutic circles, there are definitely ethical guidelines which prohibit dual relationships, ie "friendly" relationship interactions with clients or former clients...and some guidelines which advise a period of at least 5 years before another kind of relationship can form and still be ethically sound. So I would not tke his backtracking personally.

I agree with Trojan. Ethically, he needs to work with you on closure of your relationship, and I hope that he will.

I am interested that you say you have a borderline personality disorder ....from what I have understood, this is a very loose term developmentally and usually is something one grows out of. If you established a beneficial relationship with this therapist over the course of 15 years, then I would not be so likely to carry that label forward with you, and I say that with kindness and respect! BY virtue of the fact alone that you were able to sustain a relationship of this sort and presumably grow through it, I dont know if you would still meet the criteria for BPD! And perhaps that is part of what the 40 implies....you are perhaps more ready to leave treatment and be a self-determining individual than you imagine yourself to be.

very best wishes.

 

[willowfox]

how do I optimize my chances of having regular contact with him after he retires? (ie. either in terms of therapy or support or friendship. hexagram 64. 6 > Hexagram 40.

The line says that a new era has arrived, he has retired and you are now with another doctor, you can still be friends but no more than this, otherwise you will go to far and demand too much and that is wrong. A continued dependency will harm your "friendship", so keep it simple and light.

Hex 40 says that you no longer need this man in his professional capacity, so don't even try to ensnare him with questions of support or therapy. Really, it is time to let go.

 

[rosada]

You are not asking whether you should try to turn this relationship into a friendship, but rather how to optimize your chances of doing that, so while the hexagrams seem to be advising you to cut all ties and not look back I suggest you not be totally discouraged. It may be the I Ching is simply giving you a straight answer, "The way to optimize your chances for a friendship is to end your client/therapist connection." Perhaps this is necessary before any other sort of connection can be considered.

Now, how to end the client-therapist relationship?

64.6
There is drinking of wine in genuine confidence. No blame.
Wilhelm

Sounds like there should be some clear gesture of completion. Perhaps you take him out for a dinner or give him a bottle of wine with a card saying, "Thank you for your care all these years. Best wishes in your new life," or something that acknowledges completion.

But if one wets his head, he loses it, it truth.
Wilhelm

Oops, a little warning not to get maudlin or extravagant or forget that we're supposed to be saying Good-bye here! Don't try to suggest seeing him again at this point.

40. Deliverance..talks about quickly tying up loose ends and bringing everything to completion. Interesting that the last line of the whole I Ching would lead to the admonishment, "40. The superior man pardons mistakes and forgives misdeeds." Like, for things to be really and completely over and done with we have to forgive each other, to have that moment where we all shake hands like good sports and say, "Good game!"
Anyway, 40. sounds encouraging that if you do have the 64.6 moment acknowledging the ending of this era then you will be better able to move on - in whatever direction that turns out to be.

Best of luck with it!
Rosada

 

[TygerChild]

hi rosada,
Thank you so much for your interpretation. It feels very right what you say..My emotions are still very up and down at the moment, but I see what I need to do, and what attitude I need to take. I am working on cutting the bond that has formed..and letting go....

 

[TygerChild]

Hi Bamboo,
Just been reading through your post again...and still struggling with situation described before. Just wanted to respond to some points you made. One is that no I don't see myself cured. I think people believe BPD people are 'cured' because they tend to suffer more in silence, but the loneliness continues, and the emotions get blunted through some kind of adaptation process. So although I do not cause others so much trouble, it remains trouble within me,a nd I struggle still. My therapist's work with me was more 'supportive' and he was like a father to me. This is what makes it so much harder. We discussed personal things - his life and mine, he gave advice, made practical suggestions about how do deal with actual events, gave advice regarding physical health etc etc. The I Ching is a treasure, that is certain, and I am endeavouring to follow its advice, but I remain in a lot of turmoil about my therapist's retirement, and what feels like a massive trauma at the moment.

 

[Trojina]

Hi Bamboo,
Just been reading through your post again...and still struggling with situation described before. Just wanted to respond to some points you made. One is that no I don't see myself cured. I think people believe BPD people are 'cured' because they tend to suffer more in silence, but the loneliness continues, and the emotions get blunted through some kind of adaptation process. So although I do not cause others so much trouble, it remains trouble within me,a nd I struggle still. My therapist's work with me was more 'supportive' and he was like a father to me. This is what makes it so much harder. We discussed personal things - his life and mine, he gave advice, made practical suggestions about how do deal with actual events, gave advice regarding physical health etc etc. The I Ching is a treasure, that is certain, and I am endeavouring to follow its advice, but I remain in a lot of turmoil about my therapist's retirement, and what feels like a massive trauma at the moment.

Well thats because it is a massive trauma..attachments to therapists, especially in the psychoanalytic frame are meant to be strong for you to work through the feelings ...but as it draws to an end, from what I know of others who have had it, it takes at least a year to come to terms with separation, thats the work you and the therapist do together. It should never be the case that you are left feeling you have to manage all these feelings alone

What you say is making me wonder about this guys professionalism, really it is. Seems way out of line for that particular mode of therapy for him to talk about you being his favourite or being fond of you . Thats giving you the wrong message, giving you expectations he can't or at least shouldn't fulfill with you in role as client. And why is he talking about his personal life with you, that seems out ofline for this lind of therapy too, well in most therapies i imagine

I have to say i totally disagree with Rosadas suggestion you offer to take him out to dinner. That would be against the professional code of ethics for psychotherapists I'm sure so i doubt he would anyway.



Frankly he should now be working with you through your feelings about seperation etc..as I said thats a really important part of the therapy. I'm wondering what this guy is playing at after 15 years you are still expecting something like a real relationship with him.

I suggest if you really are still struggling, to find another reputable therapist to help you get over the damage this one seems to be causing you. This isn't a love affair for the I Ching to help you get over, this is a man being paid to do his work with you and part of his work is to handle very carefully your feelings of love for him which would inevitably arise as a crucial part of the therapy as he well knows.

Well to be fair maybe he is doing all the seperation work with you and you're resisting and not mentioning that here...if so yes this is the hardest work of the therapy...but its worth it when you get through I'm told.

 

[bamboo]

Hi Bamboo,
Just been reading through your post again...and still struggling with situation described before. Just wanted to respond to some points you made. One is that no I don't see myself cured. I think people believe BPD people are 'cured' because they tend to suffer more in silence, but the loneliness continues, and the emotions get blunted through some kind of adaptation process. So although I do not cause others so much trouble, it remains trouble within me,a nd I struggle still. My therapist's work with me was more 'supportive' and he was like a father to me. This is what makes it so much harder. We discussed personal things - his life and mine, he gave advice, made practical suggestions about how do deal with actual events, gave advice regarding physical health etc etc. The I Ching is a treasure, that is certain, and I am endeavouring to follow its advice, but I remain in a lot of turmoil about my therapist's retirement, and what feels like a massive trauma at the moment.

Have you read any of marsha linehan's work? she is a therapist who refers to herself as a recovered borderline.
i dont think it can be thought of in terms of "cure"....but i still say that a label is powerful, and can be unhelpful to your self view and your progress. Right now, you could simply be seen as a young woman dealing with the feelings of sadness and abandonment that accompany the huge loss of a meaningful relationship...and you are reaching out, expressing it and obviously in the process of working it through. It helps to focus on your "healthy symptoms"!

 

[TygerChild]

linehan

hi bamboo,
yes I have read some of Linehan's work. Thanks for the suggestion. I have one of her workbooks too though I haven't really persevered with very much. It is a long haul, working with this condition, a lot of ups and downs, times when I think I might have cracked it, then find I haven't actually.
Interestingly it seems Borderlines tend to be into Easter philosophies and practice, anything occult etc, magic...I tend to be very sensitive and this makes progress in terms of personal development a big struggle in some ways.
I Ching hopefully wil bring some constancy into my life, something to give me guidance.