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Sex life improvement..? 62 changing to 30

bea123

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Im determined to work on this relationship until it bleeds I think...

For the last few months our sex life has become less and less frequent and my partner has become less and less responsive. I think it all started when I first moved in with him, first I had problems sleeping together and it took me a while to get used to the new environment, then I decided to have orthodontic braces fitted which he hates and hasn't kissed me for the last two months. There seems to always be something preventing us from just relaxing with each other. Then the underlying issues are that he knows I want children in the future, he doesn't (he has 2 kids from his previous marriage), he feels he is getting older and maybe I am pressurising him? On one hand he asked me to move in with him, look after his children and be the substitute mother and wife but on the other hand he doesn't want to talk about our future together. Well, anyway, when I asked how our sex life could be improved I got hexagram 62.6 to 30. (Does changing line 6 mean that I expect too much at present which pressurises him and turns him off? and 30 that I am clinging to him too much?? or maybe clinging to this relationship unnecessarily altogether???) Please help, your comments are always great...
 

kevin

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Hi Bea

62.6 has a relating hexagram of 56.

Was line 1 changing too?

62 Small Traverses is a time to be adaptive and calm. It is not the time to undertake things. Not a time to act to bring about change.

The 'Small' refers to it being a time to be small, centred and flexible rather than ?there is not much here?. It is a time to reflect and develop your understanding of the time.

Its nuclear hexagram is Great Traverses. So the energy flowing into this time is one of things that are out of balance to the point where change has to come about. But now is absolutely not the time to set out and do that. It will likely come about by other means.

(The top line is a very strong warning that to attempts that will bring about a collapse.)

It is a time to watch for signals and the signs of the time and to adapt and respond accordingly rather than trying to bring things about.

Line 6: Modifies this and says do not try to exceed this time where you need to be flexible and responsive to the time ? which may or may not mean to him. In other words stop trying to bring about change right now. It is not the time.To attempt to bring about a change by action will bring the situation into a severe crisis... could even end it.

Stay calm, have faith, be still and centred in yourself with few expectations. Trust the time and it should pan out.

This is a time when things will transform quite radically and suddenly... be clear in yourself and nimble, with you balance centred. Then will be the time to act.

Hope that helps a little.

Sorry - a bit repetitive...

--Kevin
 

kevin

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I have made a couple of important changes to the message above...

--K
 

martin

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If only line 6 changes the second hex is 56. Or did line 1 also change?
In any case, I think you are right, pressuring him will do no good. No good at all.

The second hex, if it is indeed 56, might indicate that you are both not yet used to the situation of living together. It's like you are still only a temporary guest in the house of your partner and that it is not yet your home.
Not really.

If that is true (do you recognize it?) settling down is probably the first priority, continue to build your nest.
Don't rush, relax, take it easy ..
Once you are settled there will be time and space for many other things, such as ...
 

bea123

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Sorry guys, my mistake, the second hexagram is indeed 56, only line 6 changing.

I can definitely relate to your comments Martin, I'm afraid to get too settled and comfortable so that I don't get very hurt in case it doesn't work out so it's a bit of a viscious circle. He is not an easy person to live with although I love him dearly and this whole children situation (his wild 11 yr old twins and me wanting my own) doesn't help. He is guarded, I am guarded, we are both very sensitive people who get easily hurt, it all got just so complicated. Why does it have to be so???

So is the right message here just to relax, take my mind off things, not be afraid to treat his home as my home (get more settled here) and not pressurise him in any shape or form? As Kevin said above "It is a time to watch for signals and the signs of the time and to adapt and respond accordingly rather than trying to bring things about".

"Stay calm, have faith, be still and centred in yourself with few expectations" - this I will write on my forehead probably...
 

jte

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"On one hand he asked me to move in with him, look after his children and be the substitute mother and wife but on the other hand he doesn't want to talk about our future together. Well, anyway..."

Then the underlying issues are that he knows I want children in the future, he doesn't..."

"Stay calm, have faith, be still and centred in yourself with few expectations" - this I will write on my forehead probably..."

Bea, this isn't really answering the questions you've asked, but if you try to take a step back for a moment and look at these quotes, what do you see?

I think it's great to be calm, still, centered, and have faith, honestly I do. But, do you think it's possible you might be giving up too much for this relationship?

I'm not saying whether you'll be able to change things around so that your needs get met in the relationship: I have no way of knowing that. But I'd be seriously thinking about how your differences might play out in the future.

"when I asked how our sex life could be improved..." Ok, the icing needs some work, that's common enough after a certain age. But what about the cake itself?

- Jeff
 
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micheline

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not a good reading for this relationship... a task beyond the present capacities..........YOur desire to have children is strong, he wants no more........but the worst is the refusal to kiss you with braces on......that would leave me cold and in the early stages of a courtship it does not bode well ....not for someone whom you would want to be crazy in love with you, not just a convenient partner for him and two liitle kids.

i urge you again to truly clarify what it is YOU REALLY want and also what is unacceptable, chances are that you may not find them with this man, and even tho he is lovable, you dont want to waste time, just because he is decent. I would look again the tarot readig you got recently,,,,,,,didnt she advise leaving him, and you seemed to agree!
 

bea123

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Thanks for your comments Jeff and Micheline, I know what you are saying. My life so far has been a string of strange relationships, each time I am the one who leaves, each time heart broken. Im sure there is some message/lesson I'm supposed to have learnt, barriers to have crossed but so far I haven't figured out what it is. Once someone read my palm and said that I will end up on my own in life, a comment that has been haunting me for years. I think I would rather die, as I always wanted to have a happy family (which I never had). So this time I thought I will do all I can to make it work. I know he would probably eventually have a child with me (gosh, that sounds rather desperate, welcome to the mid thirties paranoia), I do love him and nobody is perfect, maybe I should just make the best of what I have.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew that there WAS someone else out there for me, the happy ever after man. But maybe it doesn't work like this. Maybe not for me. I feel like life's been pushing me around and pushing me around until I can't take much more. I emigrated here 13 years ago leaving my family behind and life's been a massive transformation and struggle since then. I think I'm just exhausted of struggling.

I wish I knew what to do. I keep asking Yi for help but cannot see the answer clearly.
 

anita

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Bea,

Please don't give up. A lot of us have trouble in relationships for various reasons, sometimes due to our own fault, sometimes not. I think to centre one's life on a relationship is not a very healthy thing to do anyway. Do you have another passion? I hope so.

Hang in there

Best for your Quest
Anita
 

bea123

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Thank you Anita for your kind words. I do have a passion, I've always been interested in medicine and at the age of 30 I decided to go back to studying and am just finishing 3rd year of dentistry. I love what I do and I can easily occupy myself and be by myself but what sense does it make if you cannot share your life with people you love?

I still believe that you can create your destiny, I just wish I knew what I keep doing wrong and how I could improve it. If it indeed is my fault, what is it?
 

kevin

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Hi Bea

When I replied to you I decided to keep strictly in the bounds of what I thought the Yijing was saying and not to offer opinions about your life and the very real difficulties you face. I felt this avoided me getting into loading you up with my values and beliefs when the Yi had already offered a solution.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

I still believe that you can create your destiny, I just wish I knew what I keep doing wrong and how I could improve it. If it indeed is my fault, what is it?<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>

I too believe we can create our own destiny - and we then have to eat it! But I would say 'should' create our destiny not can.

I could be wrong but I had a very strong sense that your reading was about staying still etc (all the things I said) and something else would happen to bring about the needed change. But the change would occur.

This is not being passive... it is waiting for the bus rather than getting into a sweat about being stuck at a bus stop for now and trying to find other ways to get to where you want to be.

When I said have faith and be patient it referred to have faith in the reading and wait for it to unfold.

Hope this is helpful

Warmly

--Kevin
 

bea123

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Thanks Kevin, following everyone's comments above I have asked I Ching a more general question leaving the whole sex improvement scenario behind: What should I do in my current situation (with regards to the relationship)? (i.e. stay or let the relationship go etc.) The response I got is 50.6 changing to 32. Now I'm totally confused.... Am I in some sort of a boiling cauldron with a beautiful jade handles...???
 

femke

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Dear Bea

Do you think it's possible that the cauldron refers to the I Ching, and the jade handles to the responses above? Good luck hanging in there! And please don't be too discouraged by this forecast that you got; it stuck with you maybe because it clicked in with your personal belief system about yourself, but MAN, are there a lot of frauds around in the world! Don't mean to sound paranoid or anything...
Or maybe this person just sensed your insecurity on this aspect at the moment of forecasting, and interpreted it as a life-long omen instead of the phase you were in. If this forecast is so sticky, maybe this is worth its own posting, to get others opinions on it?

Love, Femke
 
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dharma

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<blockquote>What should I do in my current situation (with regards to the relationship)? (i.e. stay or let the relationship go etc.)</blockquote>

Why would you ask Yi what you should do with this relationship? I believe the choice is yours. Not only that, but it answers your earlier question about what you are doing wrong. If you truly believe that you can create your destiny you need to change the way you go about consulting Yi to begin with. This alone will be a significant improvement overall because it will change your mindset from a limiting one to one that is more self-empowered.

Yi will most certainly describe the scenarios of the different possible directions you present it with. For instance:

"If I stay with this relationship, what's the deepest level of intimacy I can expect to experience based on who my partner is, and what I am willing to give of myself?"

And then you can also ask:

"If I get out of this relationship, ...etc ?

Having said that, 50.6 could mean that this relationship still has a lot to offer you. However, based on what you've shared here already, it could be that you might just as easily benefit by moving-on. For instance, at this stage (top line changes) the sacrifical vessel of hx50 and all its contents (what you've learned from this relationship) can easily be moved elsewhere. This is because the vessel now has strong carrying rings that allow it to be moved. In other words, you are indeed strong enough and capable enough of taking what you've learned from this partnership and seeking out a partner more in keeping with what you hope to experience in an intimate relationship, if you so choose... and it really is a choice.
 

kevin

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50.6 >32

Meanings for the Hexagram Name Heng:
Constancy
Perseverance
Enduring Durable
Self Renewing
A stable married couple.

My preferred way of reading this is that within the time of Heng above the time represented by you question is cooking in the Ding.

Cooking, or Dings, transform things.

Line six is both at the end of the process of cooking and also a superlatively positive result.

Karcher?s crossline omen method would say that the time is transforming from 50.6 to 49.1

This is the time where you are able to see the bones of the problem and will soon be able to see what needs to be done to solve it.

This ties in very well to your first reading which was of keeping still etc? now the movement is one, probably of your feelings and perceptions of the situation becoming clear and a path beginning to show itself.

Wishing you the best in all of this.



--Kevin
 

kevin

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Dear Database brain.

Different question though?

Or? maybe?

Gotta love you



--Kevin
 
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micheline

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3rd year dentistry!? WOW, that's fantastic! BE very proud of yourself.
And 50.6 is a wonderful reading.

I think what Demitra says is worth repeating:
<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>

50.6 could mean that this relationship still has a lot to offer you. However, based on what you've shared here already, it could be that you might just as easily benefit by moving-on. For instance, at this stage (top line changes) the sacrifical vessel of hx50 and all its contents (what you've learned from this relationship) can easily be moved elsewhere.<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>

YOu are in a position to make empowered choices and the right one will become clear. Let it come from your heart in its own time.
 

cal val

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Kevin...

*titters* database brain? Nah... it was just such a wonderful question (wish I'D thought to ask it) and such a wonderful answer.

And I think it all answers beautiful Bea beautifully. She said, "I have asked I Ching a more general question leaving the whole sex improvement scenario behind: What should I do in my current situation (with regards to the relationship)?"

The answer is... drumroll please...

ROMANTIC LOVE! Leave the whole sex improvement scenario behind (as she suggested) and focus on romantic love.

Ta da!

Love ya,

Val
 

kevin

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Val

Time for me to reflect.

Bea's two readings are positive...

I am prob. too cautious...

Strength to you Bea.



--K
 

cal val

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Bea...

"Am I in some sort of a boiling cauldron with a beautiful jade handles...???"

That's one of the problems with the later version of the YiJing... referring to a ding as a 'cauldron'. 'Cauldron' is a terrible choice of word for this beautiful and powerful vessel and this powerful hexagram.

No Bea... you are a ding. Quoting Richard Rutt:
<blockquote>"A legend found in the Zuo Commentary tells how Yu, founder of the Xia dynasty, had bronze sent in from the nine provinces and fashioned into nine highly ornamented ding. The ownership of these great vessels became a symbol of the monarchy, and they were passed from dynasty to dynasty until they were lost, it is said, at the end of Eastern Zhou.

The ding of Hexagram 50 is therefore a typical bronze vessel, used for banquets and sacrifices, a sign of legitimate royal power... Unhappily the overtones of 'cauldron' conjure up the image of a huge rough cast-iron pot in which unlovely ingredients are boiled for unspeakable purposes. No single English word suggests an opulent vessel of high-relief bronze that is an emblem of power and at the time a pot for cooking rich stews."</blockquote><center>
</center>
Furthermore, the jade handle in line 6 is actually a rod that is inserted through the two 'ears' of the ding so that it can be lifted up and carried.

The last question you asked was the most important question. You can't heal your sex life until you heal your relationship situation... and you can't heal your relationship situation until you heal yourself. The hexagram and line you just received is a very powerful answer, and Kevin and Demitra gave very good clues as to how it can work for you. If you contemplate this hexagram and especially the sixth line, I believe you will understand what you need to do, and I believe you will reap the joy of the end result.

The Yi will help you, by the way, if you let it. It's much much more than a divination tool. It's more than a book of wisdom. It can also be a guide through personal growth and self-discovery and self-healing.

Love,

Val
 

jte

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"What should I do in my current situation (with regards to the relationship)? (i.e. stay or let the relationship go etc.) The response I got is 50.6 changing to 32. Now I'm totally confused.... Am I in some sort of a boiling cauldron with a beautiful jade handles...???"

I think this answer is advising you to transform the relationship through being *such* a superlative mate/lover/wife to this man that it changes him and his attitude and feelings towards you. So, ultimately, he voluntarily makes the relationship closer to what you want it to be too because he loves you more deeply.

There is a rub, though, I think, because the truth is that although you may try, you might or might not succeed.

So, you might end up sacrificing a lot and still not getting what you really want out of the relationship. However, doing this kind of thing can have a value in and of itself apart from success or failure.

And you could also succeed. I'm very confident the Yi would not have given you this answer if there was no possibility of you making it work.

I realize this particular interpretation might not help make your quandry any easier. I'm sorry for that. I realize it's not necessarily in tune with other views given above, and I respect that. That said, if you go this route, some of the themes mentioned above (patience, independence, romance, passion for your work) might be part of what you end up doing.

- Jeff
 

pakua

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That's beautifully said Jeff - how can it not be successful, in the true sense?
 

bea123

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Some really helpful and fantastic responses here (database brain, well remembered! although your outcome was rather sad... quite surprising as the hexagram combination sounds very positive but then again what's positive to one might not mean the same to someone else), Jeff, really beautifully said, let's see if I can make it work, I really hope it will. Could you please elaborate on "the rub" a little? How did you come to this conclusion? ("There is a rub, though, I think, because the truth is that although you may try, you might or might not succeed"). Is it based on something within the reading or a general wisdom that nothing in life is certain?
 

cal val

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Hi Bea...

How do you see the outcome as sad?! I don't! The transformation in your relationship will take place within you. You are the beautiful and powerful ding. You may encounter some sadness during the transformation, but that's a good thing. It will bubble and boil away, and what will be left is 50.6... love through and through.

I've been through hexagram 50 recently... I started the 50 to 8 thread here, and this forum helped me through it. THANK YOU FORUM! 50 is something we have to go through periodically throughout our lives or we never grow.

I want to add my own thoughts about 62.6. Whenever I've received it, the Yi was simply telling me my expectations were too high... flying too high... and that I was going to experience disappointment if I didn't get grounded. Expectations are a big source of conflict in relationships. Steve Marshall once said something very very valuable on this forum. I felt his words in my core... in my soul. They transformed my life, and I will never forget them. He said allow you to be yourself and others to be themselves. In other words NO EXPECTATIONS! So...

Are your expectations too high for him? Are you pressuring him as you said in a post above? Expectations and pressure will definitely put the kibosh on sex.

Or is he expecting something from you that he feels he's not getting during your intimacy? Could it be romantic love? Have you asked him?

Love,

Val
 

cal val

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Bea...

I just decided to share something else with you.

I'm glad you've decided to work on the relationship. I have no doubt he's the same wonderful man you fell in love with and it would be worth your while. I don't believe there's anything wrong in your relationship that can't be healed. Sex and affection is one of the first areas of life that is affected when there is a communication glitch. And communication glitches... misunderstandings... can easily happen between two people who come from different backgrounds and learn different ways to communicate.

I had a situation similar to yours in my marriage except that I was the one avoiding sex. It got to the point that I just didn't want him to touch me. It's not that I didn't love him or that I didn't want sex. I did and I did... very much! And I knew he loved me too. I knew I had a problem that I couldn't fix myself and that I needed help from an objective outsider educated in such matters. So I finally saw a marriage counsellor. It only took one visit to learn what the problem was and how to deal with it.

After reading your posts yesterday, I walked away feeling a great deal of admiration for you. I believe you're a woman I would definitely like to know. You have the gift of self-awareness and you have a quiet strength and personal power. I have no doubt you will choose the best way for the two of you to put your relationship back on the path you desire.

Love,

Val
 

jte

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"Could you please elaborate on "the rub"... Is it based on something within the reading or a general wisdom that nothing in life is certain?"

No, nothing in the reading, more the latter. But more than that, it's based on what you described in your initial post.

If it doesn't work, you might end up feeling like you "threw your pearls before swine" in some measure. *If* it doesn't work, you'll probably feel like you put a lot of effort out for no reward - so best to go into it with eyes open... that's all.

As I said, I'm fairly sure it's *possible* and a good idea, or the Yi wouldn't have suggested it. But nothing's ever guaranteed. Also, my interpretation could be wrong - although it feels right to me, others had other ideas before I piped in...

Best to you,

- Jeff
 

bea123

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Val thank you so much for your comments, especially the last one, I went to bed last night feeling seriously good (and trust me, my self confidence has been almost non-existent recently). Jeff, your last imput was also really needed, it actually summarised this whole thread very well, i.e. things are not either as bad or as good as I think, work on it and there is a good "chance" that things will work out. As Stephen Karcher says "There is nothing for which it will not, ultimately, be advantageous".

From being utterly confused I can eventually start seeing the way, not perfectly clear yet but it's starting to come out of the fog... This is thanks to you guys, you made me feel like I'm not alone with this and you showed me the way forward.. I really needed this guidance as I stopped trusting my own judgement sometime ago.
 

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