should I contact my ex - 21.4.

[Juniperist]

Dear all
I have an ex with whom I have parted on somehow amicable terms though I was not sure if I wanted to remain friends with him as I still had feelings (and he was the one who initiated the break-up; he also moved on and is in a relationship with someone else now). I talked to him last about 3 weeks ago, mostly to see how I would feel and after that call I realized that I did not want to talk to him anymore, that it was making me anxious and unhappy (especially since he brought up his new partner).
That being said, I am missing him like crazy, and I am doubting myself, thinking maybe it is not a good idea to break my contact with someone who can be a friend and who I like a lot.

So today, since I am having a particularly bad day, I asked
"advice me if I should contact X" and got the reply 21.4. changing to 27.

I am generally good with coming up with some interpretations, but I have hard time with 21 in this context, also because it leads to 27. 21.4 talks about doing something unpleasant (biting through dry meat) and being aware of difficulties, but says that persistence will lead to a good outcome (metal arrows?) and 27 is nourishment.
Am I being advised to persist in contacting him and not give up, or actually the opposite (to persist in what I have already been doing - ie. not contact him). Is eating the dry meat and the difficulties what I am going through now or maybe the tense few months of contact until I get used to being friends to him?

I would appreciate any of your comments. Thanks a lot...
J

 

[MuddyMac]

One of your troubles is that you asked a “should I“question. Yi won’t make the judgement call on what you should or shouldn’t do, and in addition to that, you are always left wondering which side of the question it is answering. It would be better to ask a question like Give me a picture of what would happen if I continue to contact my ex.

Given that let me get back to the question you did ask.
21.4 talks about biting into dry bony meat, that is not anything that will give you any nourishment. Even the metal arrow will not give you any nourishment, but it will give you the means to hunt for something else that will. So I believe that the reference to biting through refers to gritting your teeth and get through this time of transition. If the friendship with him is going to work all three of you need to be in a different place. You need to get to a place where talking to him does not upset you when he talks about his girlfriend. He need to be able to be sure that your calls are not a veiled attempt to get back together and his new girlfriend needs time to settle in and not be threatened by the ex calling. So all of this will take time. If the friendship is meant to be it will survive the wait.

 

[diamant]

advice me if I should contact X 21.4 > 27

21.4 shows considerable effort to do something we don't really want to do - the metaphor says biting old meat, the reason we do that is because we're after money. So someone bites something old, to have financial gain. And yet the line adds that it will be difficult to gain anything from doing so. All this frantic biting, and yet the result is you're left feeling hungry, as if you haven't eaten anything at all.

A few possible scenaria here. Is he with his new partner because he's after her money? Or are you after him because you fancy his money? Or even maybe he was with you because of money. In any case, whoever has financial goals obviously won't care about love and happiness, and won't be happy in the relationship.

Should you contact him? The question is, are you happy that one of you doesn't act out of love, but out of financial gain? And a question of my own, will you be happy to still fancy him so much but keep seeing him with his new girlfriend? (note: friends means friends, there's no eros or lust in friendship, so since you still feel those by definition you can't be his friend).

 

[Juniperist]

Diamant, money was not a motive in our relationship - he and I are in similar situations financially; self-sufficient, but we definitely don't have a lot of it. But he is overall more stressed than I am about money situations (since he has two kids) and financial stability is a problem in his life. I have no idea of his new partner's situation but I doubt financial goals was a driving motive there.

Muddymac, ah! I try to be careful about when I phrase my questions but yes, I slipped here, now I see it. I think I said "shall" and not "should" but it does not make a huge difference.

I actually asked again with your wording - "give me a picture of what will happen if I contact X" and got another (for me) confusing reply.
20.1. changing to 42.

Any comments? Does this help at all with your comments on the first one? Is Yi telling me I am being childish and I should grow up? (I do somehow feel childish because I cant forget about him). Does it tell me to contemplate more (I am so tired of contemplating)?

Thanks a lot and happy new year!

 

[Trojina]

Let's look at what the I Ching says

'Biting into dried, bony meat,
Gains a metal arrow.
Constancy in hardship bears fruit.
Good fortune.'

Your question was

So today, since I am having a particularly bad day, I asked
"advice me if I should contact X" and got the reply 21.4. changing to 27.

I think a reason for your frustration with the answer is it is not telling you what to do. Yi has a zillion ways to show you your options then put the ball back in your court which is what it's done here.

First you have 21 so there's an issue about getting to the truth of this for you. If he left you then you are left going over the past and wondering where it went wrong and going over things in your head. That's always the legacy of the one who was left.

I think if you contact him you are after some sort of understanding, you feel the need for justice, to get to the truth(21) and so if you go ahead as you plan and contact him bingo you do indeed get some of that but it's hard and not very palatable like dried meat. But within that hard old emotional stuff there's a metal arrow? What do metal arrows do? Well they are sharp things use to hunt and find and get food and kill enemies and preserve your own life. Therefore I think if you contact him it will be hard going over old ground and he may hurt you or tell you things that made him break with you you may actually be better off not hearing. The metal arrow will be the thing that makes you find within all this what you need to move forward with your life especially with regard to your attitude to self preservation.

Someone leaving us is a massive blow to self esteem and self worth and talking to the ex can make it far worse if they start telling you all the things they didn't like about you. Because you're already vulnerable you can really take on board too much what they say. Remember exes still carry emotional charge about you, they had to work up feelings and thoughts against you to leave you so they aren't really the best people to talk to if you need to pick your life up and feel positive.


Somehow Yi seems to be saying contacting him pushes you towards self preservation more and that's good.

On a practical level he left you and is with someone else. You're in a weak position and stand to be hurt so take care of yourself. Do you really think you can be 'friends'? I don't know how long ago he left but if you are going to be friends probably time needs to pass. Also you will be a threat to his current partner won't you?


21.4 doesn't say it's bad to contact him. It may not get you what you want but it gets you that metal arrow that enables your brighter self to shine again through going and hunting with it, finding food for your needs, all of your needs (27). Fan yao 27.4 shows a hungry single minded tiger. The fan yao is not your answer only a mirror of your answer but you can see the link. An arrow gets you food and you need food. Not physical food here but emotional food, you're hungry and when you contact him it's like being given a plate of hard beef. If you find an arrow in there you will go and seek better food with it. Your own indignation and self respect could be just the arrow you need to move forward. If it goes badly that's good too it spurs you forward.

To understand a line take a moment to think about the imagery in it like what is dried meat to you, what is an arrow to you? What does biting through have to do with your question. Always read the words of the actual I Ching first to see the imagery before going on to anyone's commentary.

I actually asked again with your wording - "give me a picture of what will happen if I contact X" and got another (for me) confusing reply.
20.1. changing to 42.

Let's get what it actually says


'A child seeing.
For small people, no mistake.
For a noble one, shame.'

This is saying 'please look'. You are in danger of viewing this as a child would. A child might not think logically about what the possibilities are, an adult can. You're his ex and you're contacting him even though he is with someone else now. Even if it's amicable there's issues and old meat there. This answer is not telling you what will happen, 'will happen' is a child's view, it's asking you to think about it like a grown up. What can happen? How will he view it? What is the best outcome for you? What is the worst outcome for you? What a re the risks and what are the benefits. You have been through this already, you said

I talked to him last about 3 weeks ago, mostly to see how I would feel and after that call I realized that I did not want to talk to him anymore, that it was making me anxious and unhappy (especially since he brought up his new partner).

I think an ex you still miss who is with another person is going to make you unhappy every time you talk to them. It's vital for you to recapture your self esteem now, he really isn't going to help with that, he can't because he has rejected you and preferred someone else so what does he have for you now? I think if you talk to him you might come away thinking 'screw him, I can't afford this kind of stuff' and that would actually be your metal arrow, the thing that gives you capacity and means to seek better food because talking to him is dead hard meat.

The arrow could symbolise something else, it's possible talking to him helps you, only you know that. But this is a situation of humiliation for you so don't linger there.

 

[Juniperist]

Dear Trojina,
Thanks so much for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I found it very useful. I dont, in fact, know what I expect from contacting him - I think I am just afraid of losing him or doing the "wrong thing" - the wrong thing being maybe not attempting to keep someone valuable in my life, only because I have abandonment baggage and cant deal well with rejection.
You are right, though, this has been a huge blow to my self-esteem and I have not yet recovered. There might in fact be something valuable that I get if I talked to him as the reading implies, but I dont know if I can deal with the hardship/or more sadness to get to it, ie. I dont know if I have it in me to chew on dried meat.
Thanks for your comments again.
Best wishes
J