What if we stay together? 2.3.5>39 (20 year long relationship)

[Roma77]

I asked this question because, as happens periodically, I find myself very disturbed by thoughts of ending my 20 year marriage. My husband is a good man, caring and a great father - we have a 12 year old daughter. I have recently started seeing a therapist with the aim of understanding what makes me 'run hot and cold.' I am able , at times, to be open, honest, vulnerable and loving but I am too often closed, withdrawing and irritable. I understand that I have an avoidant style of attaching because of early childhood and this does make intimacy and commitment very difficult for me. Sometimes I am amazed that I have managed 20 years in one relationship! I am now in a phase (again) of finding my husband dull, inattentive, too quiet - lacking in many ways. I really hate feeling like this.
For me Earth made me think of our home. Two years ago we moved to an amazing home (rented) with lots of land, outbuildings and incredible views. In some ways it feels like a place we can really shine - as we are opening it out to our community, hosting group work and creative workshops here. The reading to me suggested that this place is like a 'master,' we could be 'loyal' to it by working with 'like -minded' people here. It feels like such a huge opportunity - being in this place - with a shared vision, and it is also a lot of work. We are always so busy, it seems, since moving here. Hilary writes 'your individual sense of purpose emerges more strongly when you've learned to work responsively with others.' I see this place provides that opportunity in that I, we, have to negotiate many 'transactions' here - welcoming, hosting, nurturing, sharing, bringing others together here. I often can't quite believe that we have landed in this position. (We moved here in order to foster - but that didn't work out. Maybe we'll come back to it.)
lines 3 and 5 I didn't really understand, except I wondered if 3 could be about my fantasy about living a simpler life ( living in a small place without my husband and spending more time writing and creating.) Maybe it is saying that writing is work I can do without attaching to an outcome. I sometimes feel that this place, with all its demands and potential , is 'too much' ('already whole' =me , so not needing all this 'place' added)
39, Limping. Is this saying that staying together is hard and dangerous? That he, or how I am in this relationship, is holding me back? Or maybe that I need to connect with him again, not with an ideal (noticing all that is 'lacking'.)
I recently broke my toe! I have been literally limping! Is this about me 'driving with the brakes on'? We live in the south west - in a place with 'sunwarmed fields ' where 'allies come together.' The book says 'limping means hardship.' So this sounded to me to be saying that this is what it is like when we stay together. That I am yearning for 'release.' The words 'a time for turning yourself around and finding another way' made me think of asking my husband if we could consider polyamory.
Any feedback would be so gratefully received. Thank you.

 

[rosada]

2.3
Hidden lines.
One is able to remain persevering.
If by chance you are in service to a king,
Seek not works but bring to completion.
(Wilhelm)

You are capable of continuing with the current arrangement, but you are doing it more with a feeling of being a housekeeper in charge of providing a stable home for the daughter. You are "in service" to your husband/king rather than feeling like a partner/queen. You are thinking in terms of delaying leaving rather than permanently staying so you are not wanting to create a long term commitment - just wanting to complete raising the girl.

2.5
A yellow undergarment brings supreme good fortune.
(Wilhelm)

Beneath the cool outward appearance there is a willing receptivity. You are not closed to rekindling your romance with your partner but you could use some direction, some enthusiasm from him.

39. Obstruction
The superior man turns his attention to himself and molds his character.

In brief I see these hexagrams as advising that if you wish to stay with your partner you should not think in terms of being trapped until death do you part, but focus on the fact that you do have this child together and commit to getting her well launched with the idea that you will then see what you two want to have happen next.

Use this time when you are "obstructed" to work on yourself, develop your skills etc. and even take some extended trips on your own. Hex 2. represents Mother Earth and even she needs to have a little hibernation now and then!