What is keeping us (marriage) together? 12.3.6>31

[wisdom_deer]

Hi all,

My husband and I have been going through a long difficult period. I noticed he started seeming distant several months ago, found out he was texting another woman constantly every day, and we've been going to marriage counseling for several weeks now trying to sort things out. He says he never wants to have sex with me (or anyone) ever again. I still love him dearly and crave physical affection. We do enjoy each other's company, but obviously other aspects are not and have not been going well.

Out of confusion for why we're still both hanging in despite all this, I asked "What is keeping us together?" and got 12.3.6 changing to 31. So the stagnation feels really true--we've been stagnant for years, probably. The sense of shame with 12.3 I'm not sure about, but could be we both feel a duty to one another for one reason or another (he depends on my financially, for instance). Would 31 (attraction) be for both of us? Or is it just mine, and there's no mutual attraction in our future?

In another reading about what to do RIGHT NOW, I received 38.2.3.6 (opposition) to 55 (abundance). Our opposite feelings about physical intimacy have left me feeling like he's my enemy, and I think 38.6 is saying that's a misperception.

Both readings seem favorable in some way, though they start by acknowledging the difficulty we are in now. But I have to admit, favorable outcomes feel so far off!

Thoughts?

Thanks,

WD

 

[pooja123]

What is keeping you guys together? hex 12>31. by using six line Na jia or wen wan gua method. both of you guys are together because of marital or family responsibility with a kid. Line 6 is your husbands thoughts about family that matches with your self line 3.

There is another marriage line with a child at line 1 matches with line 4 Male officer /husband line. Both of you are in it for the sake of the family and marriage. Line 5 ,the brother/friend line is being killed by another husband line at line 2. Line two shows that your husband welcomed this friendship knowing that it is a type of hindrance. line 5 friend, the woman, loves talking. they exchange written messages. but the affair stops here only. nothing sexual.

Hex 31 The marriage line at 6 matches the husband line 2. Your line 3 at hex 12 changes to line 3 hex 31. Line 3 hex 31 is lonely. Cant get a long with on another.

Mutual influence on one’s thighs.
Insist on his following.
Going forward: humiliation.

Mutual influence on one’s thighs.
Hard to get along with one another.
Insisting on following others,
One holds a low standard.
hex 38

You are at line 4 in conflict with line 1. The given advise is at both line 1 and 4. This line 1 suggests that to smooth out a misunderstanding takes time; the lost horse will come back of its own accord. With the prop- er attitude, even in meeting a person with different ideas there will be no problem. line 4 suggests "Fuse sincerity and truthfulness: no fault. Their minds can be communicated and fulfilled." quoted from Book of complete i-ching. Alfred Huang.Hex 55 shows that his friend at line 3 make attempts but is rejected. at line 6 of hex 55. there will be no more interference from third party. BUT . line 6 of hex 38 is marriage line turning into Solitude line in hex 55. For three years he sees no one and indulges in self satisfaction,

From Huang's book "For “three years” he sees
nothing. Three years represents a period of time, the number “three”
deriving from the fact that the topmost line is the third line of the
upper gua. The misfortune of the topmost line is that he keeps him-
self apart from others either through arrogance and imperiousness or
by wallowing in luxury and pleasure.

I think line 6 from both 38 and hex 55 shows what you are going through now. several years of no intimacy. Overall advice is Keep meeting the marriage counselor. Don't look down at him. keep an open communication with sincerity. Don't hold back , be happy. be like the sun at noon (hex55). he will come around from this.

 

[wisdom_deer]

Pooja, this is very insightful. Thank you! We don't have children together, but I do think there is a strong sense of staying together as family (even a small family of 2).

line 5 friend, the woman, loves talking. they exchange written messages. but the affair stops here only. nothing sexual.

This resonates. I asked him if there was anything physical, and he said no. I believed him then and this confirms that.

The misfortune of the topmost line is that he keeps him- self apart from others either through arrogance and imperiousness or by wallowing in luxury and pleasure.

Also true. We are part of a spiritual community with close friends, but for the last couple years, he has kept himself distant from it. He says it's because he feels unwelcome, but from my view, that is only a feeling in himself and not shared by others, as they ask me about him often. Here it is definitely more because of a kind of arrogance than indulgence, but not in the usual sense. More like his pride was hurt at one point, and now he's self-isolating.

Overall advice is Keep meeting the marriage counselor. Don't look down at him. keep an open communication with sincerity. Don't hold back , be happy. be like the sun at noon (hex55). he will come around from this.

This is what my intuition/heart says, but I am often overrun by my insecurities and fears about feeling so alone. He also says he doesn't feel respected, and I think that's a reaction to my difficulty accepting our current differences. In my best moments, I feel like I can relax and let things be, but there is so little apparent movement, it feels hopeless sometimes. We will keep seeing the counselor. For me it is a journey of saying what I feel without using that to attack him or the situation. It is very vulnerable.

 

[wisdom_deer]

I asked what the result would be if I left the marriage, and I got 14UC. Hmm....

 

[wisdom_deer]

Update: A few weeks on, things are still quite strained, though our differences are becoming clearer. I am on the fence about staying or going because he says areas of contention between us aren't going to change.

Today I asked "What more is there to considered in my marriage with X?" 50 unchanging came back, which suggests to me something is brewing that I can't quite grasp. Honestly, it feels more like I'm the one being cooked!

Then I asked how I can fulfill my needs and desires within the marriage, and got 38.1.2>35. So 38 (estrangement) again! That certainly feels true, though this results leads me to believe that I could let go of things right now and trust the transformation underway with 50 to see what is emerging. Thoughts?

 

[mulberry]

Wow, well 38.1.2 -> 35 is quite stark. Yi is saying don't chase after anything ("Lost horse, no running after it") because it will come back by itself (this could be your own happiness, not literally your husband returning), and that the problem will be resolved in a way that feels surprising and unplanned (line 2). Also in line 1, you "see hateful people" but it's "no mistake." Combined with the 50, these seems like Yi saying the point right now is your own destiny, your own future, and you shouldn't get too wrapped up in your husband's problems right now.

None of these readings ask about concrete next steps. Have you asked any of those? Questions like, "What if I move out next month?" or "Give me a picture of telling him to move out."

Going back to your original post, these two things don't jive: "He says he never wants to have sex with me (or anyone) ever again" but also "I noticed he started seeming distant several months ago, found out he was texting another woman constantly every day." These two things do not fully compute. Is he severely depressed? Is he lying to you?

The "texting another woman" thing would be bad enough, but I've known numerous relationships that recovered intact from an affair. The no sex issue though...that's a very big deal. I have several close friends who went through relationships where their male partner announced he was not interested in sex anymore (in one, he started chasing after another woman anyway while announcing his sudden celibacy) and none of those relationships recovered. In a way the no sex thing is worse than an affair, it is a really deep rejection (that likely has absolute nothing to do with you or your attractiveness--all of the women I know who went through this were very attractive and found other partners quickly when they moved on). You owe it to your own happiness to get out of this quagmire quickly.

 

[wisdom_deer]

I asked what would be the long-term result of divorce for me. Got 25.2.5>38What would be the long-term result of staying in the marriage for me? 56.1.2.3>38So, it's 38's all over! (Can you tell I'm feeling rejected?)

 

[Chaptershare]

Wisdom_deer

I’m too confused right now myself to help you with your reading and I’m quite new at this too therefore I’m not not too wise about all the lessens and what the Yi has to say.

It seems like there’s some sort of stagnation in the relationship due to his insecurities or emotional infidelity which is causing a pause in your sexual desires, wants and needs. I’m so
Sorry you’re going through this and it seems I’m not the person to give advice either since I’m going through something similar.

When I found out my husband was texting other women a year and a half ago it tore me apart however it did snapped me back into reality and I asked myself what’s the core reason for this and can it be fixed and can i heel from it. Through many therapy sessions, he understood or tried to be empathetic to my cursing problems and I became for empathetic to how he felt when I cursed at him. For the last year and a half I haven’t cursed and very mindful of my language to him and asked him to be mindful of his actions towards me. Sometimes each of us have different love languages and I believe through communication and working at it together, you can make it through these tough times. It sounds like you love your husband and you want more affection from him and that’s what my husband wanted from me as well and he was crying for help or what you called a tantrum when he decided to text these women. No excuse to him but I was ignoring his love languages. He wanted me to listen and be encouraging rather than pushing, he wanted to play and be sensual instead of just doing it and getting it over with, he wanted me not to slap his ass and go right for his jewels right away since he felt I was degrading him and seeing him as a piece of tool. I never Thought i was that aggressive and demanding until all this came about; I like sex but I never allowed myself to enjoy the things that come before the quick satisfaction and release. The therapy sessions and more communication help me learn his love languages and once that happened he started to learn my love languages. I like surprises, gift gifting, endearing words and so I was doing all of this for him because I like it but it wasn’t his love languages. We are learning together and I do know that in life nothing is perfect and it’s a cliche but things do happen to teach us a higher and more valauable lesson.

I want your marriage to work and it sounds like you guys do have a strong connection; think of how you guys were when you first met each other. Why did you fall in love with him and why did he fall in love with you. Continue with therapy but perhaps do other things that may enhance the relationship and take it to a new level. Can you go on a drive together or a trip together and just be wild and free (a suggestion).

But first you also have to do things for yourself. These kind of stress and pain bring us down but you need to go on walks, meditate, sing, dance (germs good vibrator, sorry if it’s a bad joke) and make yourself feel good.

You’re a beautiful and caring person and you’re working hard to make things happen and unfortunately people learn the hard way sometimes on how to treasure and appreciate the things that matters. He should be grateful to have you and please don’t ever think otherwise. You can private message me if you would like to chat more.

Let’s get through this together