What role do I play in X's life?

[moodclad]

I'm learning to ask "better" questions ... but now I have no understanding of how to apply my answer to the question I asked.

What role do I play in X's life? 6.1.6 >58

This is a man who has been in and out of my life for the past 30 years. We recently parted again, with me leaving the situation as we were unable to come to a place of agreement. He had shut down as he is focused on others at the moment and unwilling to make room/time for me.
I wonder why we continue to come in and out of each others lives, always wanting to maintain a connection, but never to do it.

So I asked what role I play and I have no idea who to apply this answer to the situation.

 

[diamanda]

Hi moodclad,

What role do I play in X's life? 6.1.6 >58

The role of a person who knows how to end a dispute swiftly (6:1,6) and reach a compromise (58).
It is this quality of yours which sustains the connection.

Although you say that you left the situation recently, the answer may mean that you compromised quite a lot with him in the past, and obviously he is used to you always compromising in the end. So perhaps he expects the same will keep happening indefinitely.

 

[goddessliss]

Hi moodclad
Looks to me like you've been responding to the conflict between you right from the beginning in just the way he likes - so things never get resolved.
Time to let it go - the conflict between you and the conflict you're having regarding letting the relationship go.

 

[rosada]

6.1 suggests a feeling of willingness to drop any disagreement before it becomes a real issue. But could that have left unresolved tension? I wonder if the two of you have had a tendency to give in to each other on what seemed to be small issues but then 6.6 suggests that the "small issues" couldn't be resolved this way, and became ongoing irritations (6). Like maybe someone saying, "Oh no, you can take my seat, I insist!" and then hiding the feeling of being used. By not discussing and really resolving conflicts - instead of just sucking them up - perhaps you wore yourselves out and that's why you ended up parting.. even though you both realize you enjoy talking to each other (58.)
So anyway when you ask what part you play, perhaps you have been a sparring partner and the two of you need to learn to communicate better so your conversation seem more like a joyful exchange (58) and not a boxing match (6).

There may also be some misunderstanding about how close you should be. 58. is about getting together with friends to exchange ideas which could be a kindly way of saying you play the part of someone he considers a friend and likes to talk to, but if you try to become closer it leads to conflict.

 

[moodclad]

Thank you all for your replies. It has been very helpful.
I believe that we both do enjoy talking to each other, but there is definitely a communication issue.

Our conversations became minefields, to the point where we just stopped talking. We would sit there wanting to talk, but neither of us willing to open up and share anything (even about our day) as it would lead to annoyance at any comment the other made - no matter how innocuous the comment was intended to be.

We have been friends for years, and he always came to me when he had issues and I was his confidant. Then when we shifted gears, suddenly he wasn't talking to me about anything. If I expressed upset over an issue, it became a big issue - so I had to suck-it-up. (I'm not good at that. I'm opinionated and share them, perhaps too freely, but I cant be completed prohibited either.)

I was closer to him as a friend than I was as a lover. I wanted both, he didn't. Now we have neither.