writing a letter after breakup: 50.4,6 to 46 and 49.4 to 63

[folledeschiele]

Hello all,

I had a painful breakup (that I initiated) because a relationship had become full of fighting, recrimination, and borderline abusive. It really seemed over and done with, but my ex called this morning and said she didn't feel the "cake was done" and felt she owed it to our connection and what it had meant to discuss more what happened and understand. I told her I have very serious doubts about the prospect of trying to work it out, but she said she wasn't trying to pressure me, just cares for me and wants to find some kind of resolution/closure one way or the other.

I feel I have so many hard things to express that an honest letter would be be a good way to help her understand and re-open a dialogue between us, but wanted to know if it's the right approach. I asked whether I should write a letter and received Hexagram 50, changing at 4 and 6, to 46. Seems like a positive response but wondered what others think? I then asked "So does this confirm that writing a letter is a good way to approach these difficult issues?" and received 49.4 changing to 63.

Any thoughts on this? I don't want to unnecessarily open old wounds, but since we have always been honest with each other (one of the positive things in our relationship) and she is interested in self-reflection and growth, I think maybe it could be positive. The letter would not be hostile or recriminating, just an honest account of the things I couldn't accept and my reservations about trying to rekindle things.

Many thanks!

 

[elias]

Some older discussions in this forum talk of the "cooking" that goes on in the Cauldron, as elements mingle and new combinations are generated. That would seem to describe your ongoing relationship -- you've both been changed by this.

50.4 speaks to acting out of presumption and being too tangled in your own ego. A letter such as you propose, which might seem reasonable and logical to you, may come off as quite self-serving and even inflammatory by the recipient. Such letters rarely improve or clarify much of anything, they just add to the drama. You might write it for yourself, let it sit for a week or two, read it over again, and then decide if it's indeed useful and will improve the situation before sending it.

50.6 (which rules the reading, imo) is about finding the right balance of firmness and flexibility in this situation-- finding (and standing) your ground on matters important to you, but not falling into victimization or making demands of the other. Easy to say...

46 indicates substantial progress so long as you find and stay on your path.

49.4 follows from the above. It is about reforming yourself, getting past your ego and the inner dialogues and the should-have-beens. That being said, the hex as a whole encourages a reformation of yourself and your relationship with others.

63 -- variously "On reconsidering and other unbalancing thoughts" and/or "settlement" and/or "fulfillment" and/or "after the end." Lingering details of the old order to be tied up, but on to a new thing -- either with or without the person in question.

 

[folledeschiele]

thank you, elias. I hadn't thought of the sense of "letting it stew" which does make sense since distance and reflection is clearly needed here. The thing is, though, I don't want to lead her on/give her false hopes that there's a big chance at reconciliation. I'm pretty sure this relationship isn't for me, and when we talk on the phone/see each other I tend to be swayed by the dynamics between us and for some reason continue to operate as if I want to work things out. I guess a tiny part of me remains open to working it out, but I don't want to hurt her/drag this out. Which is why I wondered if a clarifying letter could work. I suppose, however, that since I remain ambivalent about all this, letting things stew and clarify for myself further is probably wisest. I have already told her I have serious reservations about trying again, and most likely don't want to get back together. So I suppose I've been straightforward enough anyway. Will try to put this all in the Cauldron for a while and see what gets cooked up. Thanks again.