A question of fairness 25.6 > 17

[JoeCampbell]

Hello everyone

New Years felicitations and a puzzled explorer here. The story, briefly, is as follows. My ex-wife and I own a house which she still lives in. As part of the (amicable) divorce I provided her with a substantial amount of cash and occasional lump sums. Last year she started a new relationship with a guy who now lives in the house with her.
She also came to me demanding that I pay a portion of the mortgage on the house as it is a "joint responsibility". So for the last several months I have also paid a monthly sum towards the mortgage.
I checked with a solicitor, who laughed and said that I was being incredibly generous.
Now, as we enter a new year, I feel as though I would like to change this arrangement and not pay any more money to fund the lifestyle of my ex- and her new man. This would free me to move to a larger place and to get on with my life.
So I asked if I "should" do this - and back comes Innocence changing to Following with a changing line 6 - Berkers, Wing and anyone else I can find says
"Acting upon one's feelings and impulses is a severe mistake. Better not do this, it doesn't help one. It is better to just feel these feelings without acting them out."

Why? the worst case scenario is that my ex- gets mad/sad and demands that we sell the house and split the loss. Or that she moves out and I am forced to take over the house again and to pay the mortgage...but neither of these is especially onerous. I would gain some valuable income every month so why the "don't do it/severe mistake" admonishment?
Or am I misunderstanding the Yi's angle on this?
Have I maybe been the innocent (as my friends tell me)?...
Any thoughts very much appreciated

Michael

 

[butterfly spider]

Hello Michael
I am not an expert at all - I tend to work on the experiences I have had with the hexagrams myself. I have this casting when I feel hard done by - when Suddenly I think ' I really should do something about this' - when I have let things drift along - or have accepted an unfavourable situation. It has happened when I really wanted someone else to deal with it - take over - or where I had hoped even the whole thing would just resolve itself on its own. A bit like an ostrich really - an example..

New job - two very experienced men in the department - I was 27. One of the men was having an affair with the deputy head - a woman who worked part-time in my department. In the stock -cupboard footsie under the table they even stayed late for meetings in my office. Deputy head very friendly with Head - his ex wife was having an affair with the Senior teacher. I let this go on for
About 18 months. It was very uncomfortable. Each time I gave in the worse it got - I was passed over for promotion and it was all so unfair. I should have done something earlier - said that I would resign or whatever - I just hoped it would go away. It didn't. I got your reading then. Eventually I did do something - But I should have done this earlier and done what I had wanted - not attempted to keep the status quo I just let things rise and ignored things until I was the one in a weaker position


I am not sure if there is an element of inaction here You seem to have been generous and quite rightly you now feel that things need to change. I am not getting thoughts that this cannot be achieved or of the I Ching telling you not to change things. I am getting more of a sense of dont change things and then let them drift again you talk a lot about what your ex-wife may do and not so much about how you
See it progressing. Perhaps you are being advised not to do anything unless you want it. There definitely is a note of NOT doing something - but I don't think that it is telling you Not to change things. Could there be that you still have feelings for your ex wife and your generosity is linked to these. If this is the case then you should certainly not be acting on these feelings !

I may have this utterly upside down - if it doesn't resonate then others may add their comments

X

 

[canislulu]

If it was not a part of the legal agreement during the divorce proceedings to pay for part of the mortgage then legally you do not owe this to your ex. I think the action Yi is calling you not to make is the action of paying for something you don't legally owe. I hear Yi saying:

25.6 "You are sincere. Don't pay what you don't owe."

(How is it that arrangements about the house were not taking into account as part of the divorce agreement?)

Anyway, if you look at the Chinese text for H 25 http://ctext.org/dictionary.pl?if=en&id=25445 --- one of the words is "bandits."

To me it sounds as if things were progressing well with the "disentangling" from the marriage --- and then your ex became a "bandit" and started to ask for more. And you followed, i.e., "17."

I'm wondering if a second question, i.e., "How to proceed now?" may be helpful.
Or you could keep it simple and simply tell your wife that you are no longer going to continue to make payments that weren't a part of the original legal agreement.

 

[Trojina]

I think 25.6 is about going along in a too carefree disengaged manner when actually now line 6 has been reached the time for serendipity is over.

I think this line just cautions you against being far too innocent. You need to know when you are being taken for a ride and you sure have been taken for a ride if you have been paying the mortgage.

So I asked if I "should" do this - and back comes Innocence changing to Following with a changing line 6 - Berkers, Wing and anyone else I can find says
"Acting upon one's feelings and impulses is a severe mistake. Better not do this, it doesn't help one. It is better to just feel these feelings without acting them out."

Be aware these are commentaries and will vary a great deal and often depart altogether from the meaning of Yi's answer. Commentaries are only what someone thinks the answer means. If you just take a translation it can be clearer. Here, in your situation, you might be misled by the above commentary just because of how it doesn't fit your situation. Well it kind of does but not in the way you think.

Yi says, using Hilary's translation

'Without entanglement,
Acting brings blunders.
No direction bears fruit.'

It is saying that it is no use to go on being as detached from this as you have been. I suspect the current action you propose may not be enough. You need to sharpen up a bit here, use some guile, check things out more.

I checked with a solicitor, who laughed and said that I was being incredibly generous.
Now, as we enter a new year, I feel as though I would like to change this arrangement and not pay any more money to fund the lifestyle of my ex- and her new man. This would free me to move to a larger place and to get on with my life.

Why? the worst case scenario is that my ex- gets mad/sad and demands that we sell the house and split the loss. Or that she moves out and I am forced to take over the house again and to pay the mortgage...but neither of these is especially onerous. I would gain some valuable income every month so why the "don't do it/severe mistake" admonishment?
Or am I misunderstanding the Yi's angle on this?
Have I maybe been the innocent (as my friends tell me)?...

I don't think it's saying don't do it, I think it's saying be careful and calculated about how you go about this and how you go about all of it. She has been ripping you off by the sound of it, maybe not intentional but you do need to wake up and not let this drift on. In 25.6 we often really want things just to look after themselves but the time of serendipity is past and it's time to take some control again.

Of course I don't know the details but I suggest you take it all more seriously. You worked for that house presumably and now she has the house and you pay her money and she thinks you owe her for the mortgage while she lives there with her new guy If she's living in the house doesn't she owe you half of it so you can take the money and build your own life.

I reckon 25.6 is calling you to a change of attitude. You have been far too easy going and need to take counsel from your solicitor and your friends and make sure you get what is owed to you.

I think how to proceed here is to sharpen up, be really clear about facts and figures, you can't afford to drift on like this. It's a wake up call I think. I think it sounds like she got too comfortable and you got more laid back until now actually being laid back is going to cost you if you don't smell the coffee so to speak. This doesn't mean being aggressive but getting really clear with yourself and with her about what is going in here. If your solicitor laughed then you can see how far you've drifted down river on this. Get to a bank. get a paddle, find your direction.

 

[butterfly spider]

Hello Michael
My yoga teacher today said that without direction a ship in the harbour - even a fair wind is not favourable

I think that Trojina has really put her finger on this - although I think you should ask the question
Why am I not taking control here why am I allowing
Things to drift so ....

 

[JoeCampbell]

Thank you all so much for your replies!
I am finding that putting this issue "out there" and hearing your responses, rather than it all just circulating around in my head, has released some blocks. I find that I turn to the Yi precisely when I cannot get beyond my thinking to the felt sense of what is right and wrong - in other words, everything is mental chatter and not so-called gut-feeling. And even then, when the Yi replies, it seems that help is needed in understanding the response.
So I am very grateful.
This situation will now change, why not, it's New Years Day tomorrow. As to how to approach it strategically, I am not sure there is much more I can do than write and say that it stops here, I need to get on with my life.
That being said, I did enquire as to how to proceed - with the result 16.2.4. > 7; Enthusiasm (or Integrity)
‘Boundaries turning to stone,
Not for a whole day.
Constancy, good fortune. (setting my boundaries and sticking to them?)

‘Source of enthusiasm.
Great possessions gained.
Do not doubt.
Partners are gathered together as a hair clasp gathers hair. (great possessions gained. Do not doubt - well, seems clear!)

So an email will be sent out - saying that January will be paid as the last instalment (giving "notice" so to speak) and I will get on with my life. Heartfelt thanks again.
Happy New Year!
Michael

 

[Trojina]

16.2.4>7 looks clear yes. You have a firm objective (7) to move forward with your own life without your resources draining away. 16.2 don't wait, do it now. 16.4 calls for self belief and being proactive. It seems others will follow easily if you yourself are clear. This all seems to bode well for immediate action proceeding without hindrance.

 

[canislulu]

Happy New Year to you too, Michael!

And also to Butterflyspider, Trojina, and everyone!