Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
What you really need to ask is what is the best action for me to take regarding so and so. and then draw the hex.
I agree with Pooja that you've missed out the one big, simple question: just ask for advice. 'What to do?' or 'Help??!?' are perfectly good, clear questions - and maybe Yi will suggest something you haven't thought of..
Good that you already know this. Do yourself a favor and learn this lesson: progress with a BPD person looks like going in circles on a loop. Unless they don't save themselves, nobody will. You're just wasting your own life/health. Sorry to be honest and direct with you.I had those literally in my oldest set of bookmarks. Damn, that was a LONG time ago. Some might be less relevant to you, but its all a lot of useful info. I've dated a person who had a BPD. Never again.http://www.sharischreiber.com/needlove.html ***http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html ***https://bpdfamily.com/http://www.me...erhttp://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html - A lot of good ones!https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/ https://www.bpdcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/http://gettinbetter.com/salt.html ***https://bpdfamily.com/content/codep...antastic_list_of_codependency_signs_patterns/ https://old.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedon...expecting_the_unexpected_a_bpd_breakup_guide/ ***http://outofthefog.website/what-not...ources_going/https://old.reddit.com/r/BPD/The ones with *** are a must-read crucial stuff. Basically ingest it all until you can recite it in the middle of the night knowledge is your best medicine now. There are great resources on the reddit, I'm sure you will find a lot of resemblance in between cases described by the people. The patterns are usually very similar. Talking with others anonymously is a very important part of the healing process. From my heart to yours - I wish you all the best & quick recovery on the way to finding yourself.Nothing lasts but nothing is lost.I want to help him but I realise you can't help someone that won't help themselves. We had made huge progress
change ''he'' for ''I am''. it is NOT your job to SAVE HIM [or anyone - except yourself!] every adult being is solely responsible for his own actions. Let him go. This life is not about him, its about you. YOU.Youre not his mother. Or not Mother Theresa. Stop wasting your life immediately. You cannot save him. Why youre putting yourself up through the suffering? Why you cannot enjoy normal healthy relationship? I'll tell you: apart from massive codependency problem, you have a tremendous lack of self respect and self worth. No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period. At least you realizing its not love. Its not. It has nothing to do with love. Love means loving the other person in the way that the person feels free. Do you feel FREE? Do you? You need to fix yourself, learn how to build and have/ execute strong personal boundaries, learn self-worth, self-love and self-respect and only THEN start looking for a HEALTHY relationship. It won't happen with that person. It's a long process.And theres no turning back.Or... you can ruin your life and health by continuing to try to steer this sinking ship. Good luck.We've broken up for quite long periods over the years but he always comes back eventually (as is the on again/off again pattern of BPD's). What always drew me back in was guilt. Guilt because I know he doesn't have anyone else, no real friendships or bonds as he's burnt all his childhood friends or anyone that he gets close to.
Why you cannot enjoy normal healthy relationship? I'll tell you: apart from massive codependency problem, you have a tremendous lack of self respect and self worth. No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period.
- don't forget it is always your own choice. People only treat you the way you allow them to.You can very well be 'healthy' and love a mentally ill person
I can and I just did Life is simple. People love to complicate it. Some things never work out. Like relationships with people with BPD. I personally knew a person who was in such ''relationship'' for like 20 years. He ended up with cancer due to prolonged stress. He also thought he was making ''progress'' which was only running around in circles. But he had something else to consider- kids. Remember that at the end of the day, nobody forces her to be with that person. And it's always two people to dance.Life is a little more complicated btw, you can't just say "No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period." You can very well be 'healthy' and love a mentally ill person -- but that of course requires a lot of strength and the willingness of the other person to work on his or her psychological problems.
every adult being is solely responsible for his own actions.
Let him go. This life is not about him, its about you. YOU.Youre not his mother. Or not Mother Theresa. Stop wasting your life immediately. You cannot save him. Why youre putting yourself up through the suffering? Why you cannot enjoy normal healthy relationship? I'll tell you: apart from massive codependency problem, you have a tremendous lack of self respect and self worth.
No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period.
At least you realizing its not love. Its not. It has nothing to do with love. Love means loving the other person in the way that the person feels free. Do you feel FREE? Do you? You need to fix yourself, learn how to build and have/ execute strong personal boundaries, learn self-worth, self-love and self-respect and only THEN start looking for a HEALTHY relationship.
It won't happen with that person. It's a long process.And theres no turning back.Or... you can ruin your life and health by continuing to try to steer this sinking ship. Good luck.
You need to fix yourself, learn how to build and have/ execute strong personal boundaries, learn self-worth, self-love and self-respectd
People only treat you the way you allow them to.
I can and I just did Life is simple. People love to complicate it. Some things never work out. Like relationships with people with BPD. I personally knew a person who was in such ''relationship'' for like 20 years. He ended up with cancer due to prolonged stress.
. No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period.
Feel free to be offended, just like I feel free to free speech - we can't assume adult people can't take a little bit of constructive criticism. Again, a person with a healthy self-esteem wouldn't be
Continuous prolonged stress does lead to disease and death.
He ended up with cancer due to prolonged stress.
But if you think only a doctor in a white coat can make a diagnosis and has uber-authority to make claims about people's health, well, you're mistaken.
I haven't either, Trojina. Maybe I haven't been lucky enough, but never witnessed the incarnation of the perfect relationships pictured in the movies and so on where two flawless people worship one-another.I don't think there really is a 'normal healthy relationship' not that I have ever witnessed anyway.
Agree. Maybe you don't want to deal with the problems of an unhealthy person and that's OK- it's a hard task that you aren't expected to take- however the "health", at least in its common definition which focuses on the outwardly visible factors, is no indicator of good people/good relationships. Some of the most sincere, loving and reliable people I've met in my life go through episodes of sever depression/bipolar disorder from time to time.Healthy people aren't intrinsically 'better' than unhealthy ones.
That's true. Human beings are much more fragile that they think. Strong, healthy people may become mentally/physically ill very easily. And the line between healthy/unhealthy is really narrow. Once you pass it, the symptoms are visible. It doesn't necessarily mean that you were far from the illness before.Guess what there's not so much difference between 'healthy' and 'unhealthy'. Any one of us can become ill tomorrow ... We are all potentially unhealthy. I can tell you from experience it doesn't matter what you eat or how much exercise you do no one is safe from getting cancer or any other illness. So this imagined divide between healthy and unhealthy is partly delusory.
Yeah. The real unhealthy people in relationships are the ones who dig for benefits with minimum cost.I think the real sickness is viewing the relationship as a commodity.
It's less important that he has BPD, its more important that you probably have a huge codependency problem
That's the point.This modern approach of 'disorders', 'health', and so on, indeed complicates things needlessly. When someone consistently abuses us and treats us badly, it's irrelevant what makes that person treat us thus.
Now look at the last line of my answer to Trojina:Unhealthy people tend to have negative emotions towards others, they blackmail, back-stab, lie compulsively, use others, manipulate, and so on and so forth.
We are basically saying the same thing. There are differences but not to the point of opposition. I guess you think I'm against you because I agreed with Trojina.The real unhealthy people in relationships are the ones who dig for benefits with minimum cost.
MrKind
You're free to remain with your opinions and perceptions of reality, so do I. Let it makes us all free.
MrKind
The ''healthiness'' you were talking about has nothing to do with physical health or diet, in a way. You just assumed something I never said. And then developed on that , going to the ridiculous points of trying to imply I was disrespecting someone etc.
The ''healthiness'' you were talking about has nothing to do with physical health or diet, in a way.
I was talking about being healthy in a mental sense, having good energy. People who are toxic often have bad eating habits, dont care about their health etc. which further creates more erratic emotions in them.
they are mostly undeveloped, toxic, etc... really low level.
Unhealthy people tend to have negative emotions towards others,
they blackmail, back-stab, lie compulsively, use others, manipulate, and so on and so forth. So in a way, healthy living often is also connected to that, not always but its usually a good indicator. If you're attracted to people like that, and not repulsed by them means that you have a problem.
Because like attracts like.
I don't feel attracted towards people who ridicule me behind my back, I feel repulsed by them. And yeah, decade ago I was attracted to unhealthy relationships and people like that because I had things in my past that were causing this weakness. Long story. Anyway, no point in talking about it. I dont need or want to convince you and you dont want to be convinced either. But saying that healthy equals unhealthy is madness Everyone has capability to become a liar or a murderer, agreed on that but what matters is if you do choose to become one.
Why you cannot enjoy normal healthy relationship? I'll tell you: apart from massive codependency problem, you have a tremendous lack of self respect and self worth. No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person. Period. At least you realizing its not love. Its not. It has nothing to do with love. Love means loving the other person in the way that the person feels free. Do you feel FREE? Do you? You need to fix yourself, learn how to build and have/ execute strong personal boundaries, learn self-worth, self-love and self-respect and only THEN start looking for a HEALTHY relationship.
equinox
You don't have to explain the implications of BPD to me, that's not the point. It was about you pathologizing forum participants.
No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person
MrKind
Healthy relationship is [gradually speaking] when both people don't NEED the other person, they are perfectly fine with being on their own, have healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem. They don't cling or expect others to heal their own illnesses, or looking for excuses.
Since you are well-read and like to give literature tips, I'll also have one for you, so that you can expand your knowledge in methodological terms. Read for a start Michel Foucault's "Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason." In it you learn that the division of people into 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' resp. 'sane' and 'insane' has always been an instrument to stabilize power relations within a society and what problematic inclusions and exclusions take place in this process. It would be a good read for someone like you, who argues with this vocabulary all the time.
Why you cannot enjoy normal healthy relationship? I'll tell you: apart from massive codependency problem, you have a tremendous lack of self respect and self worth
When both partners come out from a point of being perfectly happy with themselves and their own lives, then they can walk a path together. Not from a standpoint of needing/codependence but from a standpoint of mature, adult love that does not cling and its not needy, but allows the other person to love freely
Without expectations. The relation she described does not describe such arrangement. It's not better or worse, I wasnt telling that. It will only have its own consequences, as everything. Thats is all.Anyway, good luck and God bless. [with a new-ageish wink] I recommend to not take things so serious sometimes.
No healthy person would want to be with unhealthy person
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).