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Family guilt trip, didn't go for Xmas 51.1.3 » 62 & 10.1.5.6 » 40

EmMacha

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I did not go to visit my family for Xmas day, an over 200k trip, because I did not have the money or the emotional energy. I am a single parent, on the other side of the country, and things have been v stressful the last few months.
My (teen and young adult) kids often do not want to go.
I actually did want to go, I just couldn't.
There was a phone call on Xmas morning with my mother, where she was not listening to my reasons, just saying that she was disappointed, VERY DISAPPOINTED etc, and that I made her cry.
Then my brother was texting me, complaining, calling me selfish.
Seems like a major guilt trip, no-one asked me was I OK, or if anything was wrong, and it seems like neither my brother or my mother are listening, concerned about me, or want to hear anything about what's actually going on for me. Feels like being tried and sentenced without being there.
On Xmas day, I cast hexagram 51.1.3 » 62.
I had gone and talked to all my children, because my head felt more than a bit mashed.
I think this is the shock above?

They told me some things I knew, and some new things too - how they hated going there for Xmas, how they feel criticised and bullied by my family. My eldest soon said that he hated seeing me Dad being treated so horribly by my mother. She hectors and barrages and criticises him constantly. He also said that they show no sympathy and understanding about his autism, and that he feels pressured to pretend its a happy family, play "normal", when they don't care about us from one end of the year till the other, only demanding that we attend for Xmas, or family functions, and dress up and act.
My daughter was feeling bad about not going, because my mother had asked her to go. However, she was also very upset because she was not allowed to bring her boyfriend last year, so she did not go and went to his house instead. She said that she had the happiest Xmas of her life last year.
(This is a theme, for 5 years my neice's boyfriend was not allowed at family functions, because he was 10 years older than her, and had a child when he was young).
My daughter also said that if she wasn't feeling guilty, no she wouldn't go at all. She only wants to see my father and one cousin.

Personally, I feel the same. They are family, and I do love them, and want to see them, but they are very critical and judgemental of me, they never recognise any achievements, anything good we do, its always this attitude of "you left and went to live this hippy life. You're poor, and you should stay that way, and don't talk about it. You don't discipline your children, and make them do things."
It never ends, and you can't win, in fact you can't ever be right, or have a different reason.

I bend over backwards, often severe stress to go up there for Xmas, but it seems a blessing in disguise that I couldn't go this year, because I can see that I shouldn't be leaving my children without to buy a bunch of presents for people who don't appreciate them or me or my children, who just look down on us and see us as always being in the wrong. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, it's always wrong, or not good enough: there's always something, always. No matter how good or clear I've been feeling, ill feel like sh1t after visiting, especially Xmas.

The cast 51.1.3 » 62 seems to say that its not that big a deal, that it will be OK, they'll be OK... that I need to hold to what is right and true for me?

Im not Christian, I celebrate the Solstice on the 21st. My mother also flung this at me in the phone call "I bet you all celebrated on the 21st!"

6 at 3: The shock: reviving, reviving. The shock moves without mistake.
Shocks inspire to greater deeds than normal thinking can imagine. Use them, don’t let them fade away, don’t let anyone talk you back to normal size. Great and often dreadful happenings give power and depth to life.
(Changes to hex.55)

Yeah it felt like my mother does try to cut me down to "normal" size. As in "don't have another relationship, for gods sake." 'You shouldn't let your kids do XXXXX you don't discipline them. '
"You let your daughter run wild"
I'll get these comments instead of 'well done on your graduation. congratulations, I knew you could do it! '
My brother and sister can do this too.

Initial 9: The shock comes: fright fright. After that laughter and talk: shriek shriek. Auspicious.
Thoughtlessness is one of the biggest causes of trouble. Not stupidity, not inexperience, not taking too much risk. Just think of all the things you would have done different if you had thought before acting. So be grateful for shocks, they hit you out of thoughtlessness. Many have been saved from disaster by a shock, or even from death. And once your mind is awake again, look back and realize the waste of a life with a sleeping mind.
(Changes to hex.16)

Thoughtlessness: If I had just gone there, gone through the rigmarole, sat there feeling like the poor castigated relation, heard all the criticisms of my children, not responded and tried to keep the peace in order to be not blamed on causing fights again... well, maybe it would have been worse!
A few friends said this to me; that there probably would have been worse trouble if I went... trouble for me emotionally, as I am v sensitive right now, and very easily triggered.

On the 25th, These lines resonated with me deeply: to stick to my own spiritual path and ways and lifestyle, not to drop the ceremonial items...
Does it mean also: Let the shock open your emotions and move you to your centre, feel and transmute what you are feeling?

Yeah but its often a pattern, that, if I am feeling good, if I am happy, or feel that I have achieved something, that my mother can come along and puncture your happiness, she can walk into a room of happy people having fun and turn the air to ice.

This is also the shock - I rang her to wish her a Hapoy Xmas, and to say that Id be up in a few days. Then I felt awful afterwards
 

rosada

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Aw shucks! So sorry to hear this, EmMacha.
It appears you didn’t ask a specific question so I assume this reading is sort of a photograph of the situation.

62. Attention to Detail.
Had you let your mom know before Christmas you were not planning on being there? That seems to me to.be important detail in story. If you had let her know and she made no attempt to make alternative arrangements (“If it’s a matter of money, let me pay for the gas.” Or “We’ll miss you. Let’s make plans to get together in the new year.”) then I see 51.1 as describing you as being totally shocked by her unwarranted attack and 51.3 as indicating that you should use this experience to wake yourself up and recognize you are dealing with someone who nuckin’ futs (and thus to deal with the situation from a different perspective than devoted daughter and recognize yourself as more like survivor). However if you waited to call her on Christmas morning and said, “We’ve just decided we’re not coming after all” then 51.1 could be saying it was a shock to Mom and maybe cut her some slack for not immediately asking about your well being. Even so, 51.3 suggests this incident could be used to make improvements.
 

EmMacha

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So, I actually worked on Xmas day, and yesterday, though tired, because I need the money.
My kids have had friends over, and fun.
I went with my daughter yesterday, to but some presents, and some Yuletide food, because we hadn't actually bought any special food. That hit the wallet hard, but made them all happy. My daughter was very happy playing music in the kitchen, chatting away to me, as we both prepared food.
Both older children had friends over last night, and they all seem very happy to just be here, sleeping late, eating, seeing friends etc.

But, last night, I realised that I have been feeling sad, guilty, angry, lonely, isolated...
I have right now 18 unanswered text messages, and 14 Whatsapp messages, maybe more, many friends wanting to talk to me or see me... but I find it hard to communicate, and I don't want it all to be about all these family hurts emotions that I am feeling.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, feeling tired of all this, I've been working for years, trying to lift up myself and my kids, trying to achieve things, and heal myself.

I'm aware that this is all core emotional stuff, family, my mother's manipulative behavior, and the abusive, often violent childhood I experienced.
I'm aware that my family has toxic dynamics, that you are punished for changing the script, for not doing what you are supposed to.

Seems, maybe I need to feel the anger to break through the guilt, and self- sabotage patterns, to see them.
It is painful though, and I was thinking: do I have an anchor here with my family, that they can hurt me so easily, and knock me down, make me feel like a failure, make me feel so bad in myself.
I was wondering if there is a root in the family dynamic, if I've been suppressing anger, sadness, and guilt for years, because I didn't want to believe that the family is still so horrible to me.

I asked Yi, "Is it important for me to feel this, and process this, alchemise the emotions? And, HOW? Any guidance?"

I received hexagram 10.1.5.6 » 40

Seems to say, yes dangerous, there are tigers, but there will be liberation, release.

None of these lines are particularly dangerous, they all resolve well, which makes me think that I can walk through this, and confront and transmute the emotions, alchemise them.

I feel that I need to move through the family issues stuff, to see and understand the patterns, and subconscious stuff that I know I am playing out in my life now, but can't quite see or grasp right now.

Line 1 says to me "keep it simple, one step at a time, keep your intentions simple"

Bottom line: Plain white shoes. To proceed is without fault.
Moving simple and without pretensions, pure in your intentions and not needing anyone or leaning on anything not your own. That is the way to lead your life without being impaired or restricted.
(hex.10 its 6 Contention with advice when not to contend)
Well, yes, I don't feel like going there and arguing my point. It's exhausting, and leads to more arguments, more criticisms, and a whole load of blame, for years and years afterwards. My mother will say things like 'Well, you ruined this Christmas.' Or: "I won't forget what you did / said / didn't do"
She actually said to me on xmas day, about my eldest son, who is nearly 21, and has high functioning Autism and severe social anxiety: "Why didn't he get the bus by himself? Well, his 21st is coming up, and he needn't think any of us are going to do anything for it. We won't even get him presents"
He was very angry at this, not because he wants the presents, or even to do anything big for his 21st, but because it is putting him under pressure. He said "they are expecting me, a shut in autist, to go and pretend I'm normal, and play Happy Families, when I dont have money, and I can't get a job. I've gone to college without their help or support, I funded it myself! F*** them, they don't care about me"

That whole thing, by itself, is why I am feeling so angry and sad: I have seen my son struggle for years, with anxiety, and depression, and days he can't go outside, with low college results because he couldn't go in, with missing out on so much.

This alone is enough reason to stay out of the toxic family dynamics: it is hurting my children, and they refuse to acknowledge the reality of his and my younger sons recently diagnosed autism.
 

EmMacha

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Other changing lines:

Line 5: Decisive treading. Determination: danger.
When one's treading is strong and clear and decisive, one summons danger, but one also creates lasting values. The soft and half way is safer, but has only a short life with few accomplishments.
Do not always show your convictions right away though. Explore the situation, the ambiance, the feelings of the others. Find in every situation anew the best course of action
(hex.10 its 38 Squinting about being similar and yet different)
I think this is about trusting decisions and continuing the course, even though you may feel apprehension
Top line: Observe the steps. Forefather sacrifice. His return: eminent auspiciousness.
Do not just fill in your duties or perform your rituals, but look always for the signs of their meaning. They are the omens which reveal the sense of life. If one can integrate these signs, sometimes small and hardly visible but always rich, in his soul, his life will be meaningful and rewarding.
(hex.10 its 58 Interaction about discernment in communication)

Seems to me this means therefore is a deeper meaning, a bigger pattern.
Listening to omens, or seeing signs, well, when you do what feels right to your inner being, their can be trouble from others, 'change back' or reinforce status quo messages... but following inner meaning makes the outer world numinious
 

EmMacha

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Aw shucks! So sorry to hear this, EmMacha.
It appears you didn’t ask a specific question so I assume this reading is sort of a photograph of the situation.

62. Attention to Detail.
Had you let your mom know before Christmas you were not planning on being there? That seems to me to.be important detail in story. If you had let her know and she made no attempt to make alternative arrangements (“If it’s a matter of money, let me pay for the gas.” Or “We’ll miss you. Let’s make plans to get together in the new year.”) then I see 51.1 as describing you as being totally shocked by her unwarranted attack and 51.3 as indicating that you should use this experience to wake yourself up and recognize you are dealing with someone who nuckin’ futs (and thus to deal with the situation from a different perspective than devoted daughter and recognize yourself as more like survivor). However if you waited to call her on Christmas morning and said, “We’ve just decided we’re not coming after all” then 51.1 could be saying it was a shock to Mom and maybe cut her some slack for not immediately asking about your well being. Even so, 51.3 suggests this incident could be used to make improvements.

Hi Rosada,
Thanks for the reply.
The question leading to the hexagram 51 cast was "How do I handle this?"

I hadn't committed to going for Xmas, but she told me that I was to go, and to get presents.
Yes I didn't communicate in the week or so before, but I told her a few times over the 2 months before that it would be tricky for me.
It was actually very stressful, and too much for me.
I can see her shock, because I didn't do what she told me to.
Yes, I see that the shock resounds on both sides... and I decided to listen to my children, and hear what they are saying.

I think for me, the shock is to realise the emotions, that there are still patterns at work inside me from childhood, and her controlling, narc behaviour.
I'm very sensitive, tired and stressed right now, I've had my youngest son full time since September, and he's just been diagnosed with autism, I've been scared, put a lot of energy into managing the situation with his father so that he wouldn't blow up.

I think this is what the hexagram 10 cast is about.
I've been wanting to set myself free from living and making decisions through fear of angry behaviour of other people, people having a hold over you... trying to break these holds, seeing the patterns in me.

Also, I was not emotionally able to go up, and this helped me see why I am resistant, and also why my children are resistant. It is toxic, if my daughter is going to go upstairs and cry every Christmas we go there.

Yes, I feel I need to show my face, but I plan to just go for a few hours, then leave and go visit friends nearby.

That way, I am visiting, but not stepping into the tiger cave, just walking through
 

moss elk

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He said "they are expecting me, a shut in autist, to go and pretend I'm normal, and play Happy Families, when I dont have money, and I can't get a job. I've gone to college without their help or support, I funded it myself! F*** them, they don't care about me"

Your son is wise.

and
Your mother sounds like a toxic manipulative abusive narcissist.
She abuses her husband and anyone that allows her to. Does she drink too?

With line 10.6 one can look back and say, ''whew I survived that crap, it's good to be home again."

62 is success through smallness.
 

rosada

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I’ve been thinking about 51 pointing to keeping calm through an earthquake. This could be seen as advice for keeping centered when you eventually do see her again. Perhaps it would be useful to practice a bit of meditation now so that you’ll be able to easily slip into that calm space when the next storm hits.
 

EmMacha

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Your son is wise.

and
Your mother sounds like a toxic manipulative abusive narcissist.
She abuses her husband and anyone that allows her to. Does she drink too?

Yes she does drink, apparently 'not as much these days'
i often go up to see my Dad, my Neice, sometimes my sister, she seems to be breaking through some of the brainwashing.

Its tricky, when its your family, and your mother.

Because I have to drive, and stay over, I've entered her territory. She uses this, or the lending of money, to put you in a corner.

I often stay over so that I can hang out with my Dad in the kitchen. He is retired, and has "mild cognitive impairment", they have tested him and theres no sign of Alzheimer's, but I do get that sense of time passing, that one day I'll go there and he won't remember me. So I often go to see him.
But, I decided not to go, after my bank card went into the red, and I had no money for fuel.

Realised, that I don't want to go, I know that my mother has some big manipulation in store for me, some revenge.

This is the 10.5 to me, skirting around the danger.
The 10.6 is also about danger to my spiritual and inner work, with meditations etc... not going enables me to use the practices to get back into balance.
Its about upholding, preserving, maintaining the spiritual work I've been doing. Their arguments I'd face, the comments, they cab really hit me hard, and the situation my father is in too. I often go straight from there to a holy well and sacred hill.
Obviously, fate and my own subconscious has been stopping me from going there!
 

EmMacha

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I’ve been thinking about 51 pointing to keeping calm through an earthquake. This could be seen as advice for keeping centered when you eventually do see her again. Perhaps it would be useful to practice a bit of meditation now so that you’ll be able to easily slip into that calm space when the next storm hits.

Thank You Rosada, yes that resonates.
I also read it as:
I should not go there until I am feeling calm and centered
However long that takes.

Want to also say to both youself and Moss Elk, thank you for responding and supporting me, it has helped me find some clarity in an emotionally difficult situation.
Have a wonderful Holiday season, and a Happy New Year ��
 

EmMacha

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I’ve been thinking about 51 pointing to keeping calm through an earthquake. This could be seen as advice for keeping centered when you eventually do see her again. Perhaps it would be useful to practice a bit of meditation now so that you’ll be able to easily slip into that calm space when the next storm hits.

Actually, I have been practicing meditation, for over a year now, nearly every day...
It was tough at first, but now there is a mental discipline. - I would make myself run through the visualizations whether I was "feeling" the peace or not.

This does help.
On the solstice gathering at Newgrange, a friend gifted me with a lovely simple practice using golden light to clear difficult, toxic or blocking emotions. He learned this from his Twin Flame partner:
Basically, you name the emotions, and acknowledge them:
"I acknowledge fear, anger here. I thank fear and anger. I am not fear and anger. I am seperate from fear and anger"

Then you get colours for the emotions, then wrap them in golden light, and transmute them. (He said through the soles of your feet, but I find I release to "Source", kind of up and away, dispersal).

"I wrap you in golden light, and transmute you, send you down /up "
Then you exhale, and when you breathe in, you ask to be filled up with love, joy, golden light etc.

I find that it is a simple but effective practice, more effective over time, as your brain develops a pattern of doing this when these emotions come up. So yes, this also resonates with hexagram 51, and keeping calmer under shock

It also resonates with the hexagram 10 cast for me, as it is simplifying it down to naming the emotions (line 1), managing the tiger successfully (line 5), and spiritually and emotionally transmuting (line 6)​

Also, for me, the dangers and shocks are related to inner child emotions, and a kind of pointer, or warning from Yi that these emotions are the "tigers", and that working on and keeping the spiritual overview is very important, as is the spiritual practices
 
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EmMacha

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Follow up

Just a follow up - myself and my eldest son have had this awful flu bug, and found it hard to shift.
So last week, friday, although I had planned to go up to them, I was unable, too ill with the flu.
I actually got the cast hexagram 33.2.5.
So I texted my mother, and father, (also sent the text to my son) to say that I had intended to visit, but still could not because of flu.
She still did not reply, she has not responded to any texts over the xmas.
However, yesterday, my neice texted me to say that she was sorry that we were sick, and that she missed us. When i replied to her, she said that my mother didn't seem upset with us at all, she also said that my mother had said that she was planning a joint birthday party for my son and my neice (he is the 25th jan, she is the 27th).!!!!!!

As you can imagine, there were a few confused texts, and I told her what she had said, and how my older son had heard her.

She (my neice), said "Oh she's mad ����"

Now, she has still not replied to me, either by phone call or text.

Yeah so 33.2.5 was a good cast, just retreat, superior retreat. Step back from all this craziness and manipulation.
 
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EmMacha

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Further update:
Turns out this awful flu we've all had in the house is a Swine Flu outbreak... so good that we didn't go visiting either, could have been bad for babies, or my father.

Also another aspect of 10, because 4 people have died already, and hundreds hospitalised because of complications here in Ireland?
 

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