Question related to a relationship

[buddhio]

Hello friends,I'm a newcomer to this forum, and to the I Ching as well, and lately I've been asking Yi some questions regarding my ex-girlfriend.

We dated for almost 7 years, and on December 24th I found out she was talking with her ex, confronted her about it and she left me for him. She said she didn't know what she was doing, but she needed to find out if she could do better, as she told me that lately I wasn't giving her enough attention.

As you probably understand, I've had a really tough time coming to terms with this, but lately I've been feeling better, and the I Ching has been helping me in dealing with this. I've also been seizing this sad event as an opportunity to become my best self, trying to become more confident and feel better with myself in general.

But recently I've asked some questions regarding the possibility of us coming back together, and I think they've been fairly positive, but all point in this same path of self-cultivation, of focusing on myself and trying to become the person I want to be.

Still, I've asked three questions, which I will share with you and ask that you help me regarding the intepretations. I think I've interpreted the first two without much effort, but the last one is giving me a hard time.


1. Should I keep my hopes up of having her back?

For this I got Hexagram 58.2, turning to Hexagram 17, Following.

My interpretation of this divination was that I was on the right path, of self-improvement, and that path would bring me happiness and fulfillment down the line. I should focus on on finding my inner joy, and that would bring forth outer joy.

2. Should I contact her?

I asked this question because since we broke up I have been trying to avoid contact with her, to give me the chance to heal.

I received Hexagram 60.2.6, thus changing to Hexagram 42, Increase.

My take on this was that even though I had established this boundary to help me heal, and I was on the right path, I should be more balanced, and not limit myself so much. If we feel like we should act, we shouldn't stop ourselves from doing, risking to not favour our own values and our destiny.
I think Hexagram 42 also pointed in this same direction, of relaxing our self-imposed boundaries and acting.

3. Will she come back to me?

Now this is when it gets tricky: I received Hexagram 48.2.5, changing to Hexagram 15, Humility.

I still haven't been able to interpret this divination, specially the changing lines, which seem to contradict each other. Is the second line, mentioning the shooting of the fish and the broken bucket, acknowledging the current state of our relationship? Is the fifth line saying there is still hope? Or perhaps it's just saying that this well (our relationship) is done for and moving on is for the best?

Sorry for the long post and thank you :bows:

 

[Freedda]

If we only could answer one of these questions for you, which would it be?

 

[buddhio]

Hi Freedda,

I guess the last one, which I found the most confusing.

 

[diamanda]

Hi buddhio,

Should I keep my hopes up of having her back? 58.2 > 17
Strangely phrased question... should we have hope? Hope is good. So yes, keep the hope. The cast speaks of communication and some sort of follow-up. So I believe this is not the end of the story.

Should I contact her? 60.2.6 > 42
No. If you do it will only increase her ego. Line 60.2 speaks of someone walking out of the door, so I'm assuming that's her. Or maybe that's you taking a step. Line 60.6 speaks of bitter limitation, i.e. a person limits themselves and feels bad about it. Hidden line 3.6 speaks of tears of blood. 42 means benefit. Overall it sounds bad to me.

Will she come back to me? 48.2.5 > 15
It depends on what type of guy the ex is. Is he a womaniser? Is he an alcoholic? 48.2 shows a dirty well, i.e. a dirty source of 'nourishment'. In contrast, line 48.5 shows clear fresh water. I think she'll get fed up with the dirt of the other 'well' and yes she'll come back to you at some point, for consolation as she knows you'll always be there for her. Resulting 15 advises not to expect much from her. She's not going to give you much love, if any, even if she comes back.

 

[Trojina]

1. Should I keep my hopes up of having her back?

For this I got Hexagram 58.2, turning to Hexagram 17, Following.

My interpretation of this divination was that I was on the right path, of self-improvement, and that path would bring me happiness and fulfillment down the line. I should focus on on finding my inner joy, and that would bring forth outer joy.

Well in the end do our hopes obey us anyway ? I can't tell you that from this or any other answer. No diviner really has any business, just going on a reading, in telling you to give up hope or not since that hope is a sacred special part of you they have no access to. We read the situation too and some we read of are so clearly diabolical no I Ching is needed but here I'm not sure. I'm very much getting the feeling this is a woman who is being quite pragmatic in looking to the future rather than someone who is easily swept off her feet thinking of the 48 answer and what comes across from you.

2. Should I contact her?

I asked this question because since we broke up I have been trying to avoid contact with her, to give me the chance to heal.

I received Hexagram 60.2.6, thus changing to Hexagram 42, Increase.

My take on this was that even though I had established this boundary to help me heal, and I was on the right path, I should be more balanced, and not limit myself so much. If we feel like we should act, we shouldn't stop ourselves from doing, risking to not favour our own values and our destiny.
I think Hexagram 42 also pointed in this same direction, of relaxing our self-imposed boundaries and acting.

You are right. 60.2 shows someone NOT going out of the door and hence missing opportunity. I don't know where Diamanda gets the idea this line shows someone going out of the door, that is line 1 but in line 2 the fact that they do not go out of the door is their misfortune. In other words it is a warning not to hold back too much.

Take any translation - Wilhelm


'Not going out of the gate and courtyard
Brings misfortune.'


Also 60.6 warns against too much restraint on your part. So yes I think you should contact her if you want to. This is a pretty strong clear answer.

3. Will she come back to me?

Now this is when it gets tricky: I received Hexagram 48.2.5, changing to Hexagram 15, Humility.

I still haven't been able to interpret this divination, specially the changing lines, which seem to contradict each other. Is the second line, mentioning the shooting of the fish and the broken bucket, acknowledging the current state of our relationship? Is the fifth line saying there is still hope? Or perhaps it's just saying that this well (our relationship) is done for and moving on is for the best?

Well first things first. Rather than look too far ahead why not just see what happens when you contact her, what she says. You can't guarantee through the I Ching here whether she will or whether she won't but for sure you are I think being advised clearly with the 60 answer that it is not a good idea to sit on your impulses and restrain yourself too much.


That doesn't necessarily imply she will come back to you but nonetheless holding back is harmful, you can miss things you need to experience. You see even if she doesn't want to come back there can still be some benefit in going forth. Perhaps you get to clear your feelings or understand something, or perhaps she comes back.


Will she come back 48.2.5>15 I wonder how much of a pragmatist she is ? That is I see it as a case of her thinking about where she will do best rather than an overwhelming pull of the heart. I think she will weigh things up in a rather practical way. A lot of people do view relationships in a materialistic way, they think about where they are 'better off' not just financially but emotionally too.


I think she needs to know and feel she is fully supported. If you are half hearted in your attitude or plans it's not going to work. If we see 48 as the resource of the relationship then in line 2 it's wasteful, the water, the life leaks out. In line 5 the water is there ready to drink. I think there's danger in this enterprise but I think if you are quite bold and sure about what you can provide for her you stand a better chance. After 7 years dating most women will be pragmatic as in 'is this the man who is going to be a stable part of my life so I can have children and a home'. Even if she doesn't want kids I'd think from this cast she needs to know you are going to be fully there, fully committed to her.


Question. What can you two make together ? Looking at 48.2.5>15 it seems to me you can build a life together and maybe that is what your focus needs to be on when talking to her. 48, the resource the well and then 15 very down to earth, realistic. You know each other very well after 7 years but 7 years is a very long time just to date isn't it ? I think women possibly more than men need to know where a relationship is going, that's the pragmatic 15 side and no doubt connected to our biology.

So I feel you really have to present yourself as the man in her life that wants to stay and make a life together. You can't afford to be like 48.2 and only put in as much as seems adequate. I think the more commitment you show the better her response.



I could be way off but wanted to answer just to confirm about the 60.2.6.>42 answer. I wondered if Diamanda was accidentally looking at line 1 instead. I think it matters that you don't miss this chance whatever it brings.

 

[buddhio]

Thank you for your answers

Strangely phrased question... should we have hope?

Well in the end do our hopes obey us anyway ?

Indeed this is a strange question, looking back. But iI was thinking if in the end I wouldn't end up being hurt even more by holding to this hope, instead of just letting go and looking ahead.

I could be way off but wanted to answer just to confirm about the 60.2.6.>42 answer. I wondered if Diamanda was accidentally looking at line 1 instead.

My translation says the following:

'Not going out
Through the courtyard gate
Brings
Calamity'

So my reading is in sync with Trojina, and yes, perhaps diamanda mistakenly interpreted line 1, which I admit spooked me, as I though I could really be misinterpreting this.

Rather than look too far ahead why not just see what happens when you contact her, what she says.

I have contacted her last Friday, and we talked a bit, of very mundane issues. I didn't try to engage in a more sentimental conversation as I was afraid that could push her away even further.

I wonder how much of a pragmatist she is ? That is I see it as a case of her thinking about where she will do best rather than an overwhelming pull of the heart. I think she will weigh things up in a rather practical way. A lot of people do view relationships in a materialistic way, they think about where they are 'better off' not just financially but emotionally too.

I don't know what made her do this, honestly. She said that she felt like she was waiting for more from our relationship, she wanted more from me, more attention, more time for her. I told her back then that I could do that, that I wanted to do that, but her answer was that we had talked about it before and everything remained the same. Indeed I could have been more present for her, but after almost 7 years, I feel we were going through a phase when we take each other for granted and lay back on trying to get the other person to fall in love again every single day. But I feel it was as much my mistake as hers, as she didn't pursue that, nor did she talk to me about her feeling that.

And I also don't know what where her true feelings for her ex. She said that she didn't know what she was doing, that she felt she should give me a chance to improve, and perhaps we could make it and everything would go away, but if she did that, she wasn't being completely honest and would always question what it would be like with the other guy.

You know each other very well after 7 years but 7 years is a very long time just to date isn't it ?

We started dating when I got into college. I am now 25 and she is almost 24. She just started working, so I was thinking of us getting our own home... We had plans for our entire life, we had already chosen names for when we had kids, and everything.

So my greatest question is if I'm on the right path, or if I'll only end up hurting more because instead of letting go I just kept on fighting for someone who left me for somebody else. But it's hard to let go when I feel like I'll never find somebody like her, that I really believed was the one for me.

 

[diamanda]

perhaps diamanda mistakenly interpreted line 1

Lin 60.1 says that not going out of the door is ok. I was not interpreting that one. Line 60.2 gives a warning, there's a feeling of urgency, to go out of the door or else there will be misfortune. Perhaps I didn't phrase it clearly. I meant that since there was actually a person who did walk out of the door, she perhaps felt it would be a bad mistake to not do so. Hence I feel that 60.2 refers to your ex.

 

[buddhio]

Lin 60.1 says that not going out of the door is ok. I was not interpreting that one. Line 60.2 gives a warning, there's a feeling of urgency, to go out of the door or else there will be misfortune. Perhaps I didn't phrase it clearly. I meant that since there was actually a person who did walk out of the door, she perhaps felt it would be a bad mistake to not do so. Hence I feel that 60.2 refers to your ex.

Oh, okay. So you're saying that line 2 might refer to her going out the gate, or else misfortune? It could be, but my interpretation, was that I imposed that no contact rule upon myself, but I shouldn't be so hard on me and avoid contact at all cost. I should be more balanced, and I should act if I feel it is right to do so.

I could be wrong, specially since I am fairly new to this, but I felt like it made a lot of sense when looking at the whole picture.

 

[Trojina]

I should act if I feel it is right to do so.

I could be wrong, specially since I am fairly new to this, but I felt like it made a lot of sense when looking at the whole picture.

You may be fairly new to this but you have grasped the message and it is a clear message in the 60.2.6>42.


I think yours was a really good interpretation which I will copy over because it is good

2. Should I contact her?

I asked this question because since we broke up I have been trying to avoid contact with her, to give me the chance to heal.

I received Hexagram 60.2.6, thus changing to Hexagram 42, Increase.

My take on this was that even though I had established this boundary to help me heal, and I was on the right path, I should be more balanced, and not limit myself so much. If we feel like we should act, we shouldn't stop ourselves from doing, risking to not favour our own values and our destiny.
I think Hexagram 42 also pointed in this same direction, of relaxing our self-imposed boundaries and acting.

It is a bit of a balancing act between reserve and letting it all hang out but this answer calls for less reserve, it calls for you not to hide but to speak out. It is a very clear answer and I think you cracked it except I'd say it isn't only a matter of limiting yourself less it is also a matter of coming forth. There is a warning of not going forth, not expressing yourself as much as you need to. That is if you want her back let her know in some way.

Ordinarily since she left you I would say it is up to her to ask to come back if she wants to but Yi seems to be encouraging you to come forth. I know it seems risky, probably is, but still Yi advises you not to clamp down so hard on your impulses. 42 is a time of increase, opportunity and blessing so don't lose opportunity through reserve.

 

[mulberry]

For what it's worth--I wish I had time to reply more in depth--I received 60.2 earlier this year about a job opportunity that required me to make a cold call inquiry to a friend's contact. I was apprehensive about this (it is not my style at all) but I am glad I did because they immediately hired me for a very lucrative and easy project. I was really hesitating about whether to make the cold call and my question was something like "What's your take, Yi?" I took 60.2 to mean I really need to step out and make contact, and I'm glad I took Yi's advice. 60.2.6 isn't ambiguous at all in my opinion, it's a clear answer to stay in touch with her.

 

[buddhio]

It is a bit of a balancing act between reserve and letting it all hang out but this answer calls for less reserve, it calls for you not to hide but to speak out. It is a very clear answer and I think you cracked it except I'd say it isn't only a matter of limiting yourself less it is also a matter of coming forth. There is a warning of not going forth, not expressing yourself as much as you need to. That is if you want her back let her know in some way.

Ordinarily since she left you I would say it is up to her to ask to come back if she wants to but Yi seems to be encouraging you to come forth. I know it seems risky, probably is, but still Yi advises you not to clamp down so hard on your impulses. 42 is a time of increase, opportunity and blessing so don't lose opportunity through reserve.

I feel that I made the right choice by reaching out. Everybody said that when one goes through a breakup, one should avoid contact in order to focus on the self, heal and be go ahead in life. And I've been doing that. But deep down I felt I couldn't just let go without fighting. I fought when it all happened but my mind was a bit clouded with so many thoughts and feelings that I only ended up pushing her away.

I must say Yi's advice have been helping me through this, and one always sees the connection to our problem within its answer. As you could see everything pointed in that same path of self-care and self-improvement that I just mentioned.

For what it's worth--I wish I had time to reply more in depth--I received 60.2 earlier this year about a job opportunity that required me to make a cold call inquiry to a friend's contact. I was apprehensive about this (it is not my style at all) but I am glad I did because they immediately hired me for a very lucrative and easy project. I was really hesitating about whether to make the cold call and my question was something like "What's your take, Yi?" I took 60.2 to mean I really need to step out and make contact, and I'm glad I took Yi's advice. 60.2.6 isn't ambiguous at all in my opinion, it's a clear answer to stay in touch with her.

Thanks mulberry for your input. This really inspired me to reach out, and today we're having a nice conversation. A very normal conversation, but still pleasant. I asked her if we could be together one of these days and she seemed receptive to it.

She said she wouldn't be around in the weekend, and I fear she will be with the other guy, but I guess I can't depend on him ruining everything and I have to take matters in my own hand and try to show her what she means to me.

I still don't know to what extent should I expose my feelings because I know that she knows how much I love her, but I'll start with a small treat and we'll see where it goes from there. But just the fact that she is willing to be with me is a plus, compared to around a month ago.

 

[diamanda]

For what it's worth--I wish I had time to reply more in depth--I received 60.2 earlier this year about a job opportunity that required me to make a cold call inquiry to a friend's contact. I was apprehensive about this (it is not my style at all) but I am glad I did because they immediately hired me for a very lucrative and easy project. I was really hesitating about whether to make the cold call and my question was something like "What's your take, Yi?" I took 60.2 to mean I really need to step out and make contact, and I'm glad I took Yi's advice.

I would also view it that way if only line 60.2 was changing. My experience with the combination 60.2.6 in a 'romantic' context was one of pointless action. But I hope it plays out differently for you buddhio.

 

[buddhio]

But I hope it plays out differently for you buddhio.

I hope so to diamanda. I would really love if we could sort this out, as I truly believe she is the one, and I see a whole life together with her, but I'll guess we'll only know with time.

But today we had a nice conversation, and as I said, she seemed receptive to us meeting, which is nice.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello Buddhio!

1. Should I keep my hopes up of having her back? 58.2 turning to Hexagram 17
Hexagram 58 is about opening. Sounds positive.
58.2: " The joy of truthfulness is good. Regret vanishes." You won't regret being sincere to her about your feelings. Then follow what happens (17). I don't know if she comes back, but it would be beneficial to talk to her.

2. Should I contact her? 60.2.6 changing to Hexagram 42
If you pass through current limitations (60) there will be expansion (42).
60.2: "Not going out of gate or courtyard; inauspicious." In fact it's wrong not to move forward.
60.6: "Painful discipline bodes ill if persisted in, but regret vanishes. " If you want to contact her, do it. Don't be so sever on yourself.

3. Will she come back to me? Hexagram 48.2.5 changing to 15
There is a source of fulfillment (48) that should be used realistically (15).
48.2: "Perch dart from the water in the well hole; the pitcher is worn out and leaks." The waters of communication are muddy because of past problems...
48.5: " If the well is crisscrossed with cold springs, drink. " You need to purify it before using; then you'll be able to recover the equilibrium (15) between you.

Good Luck!