right action in domestic dispute 57 unchanging

[amelie]

For some time, my husband has been working on home improvement projects on our house. He's a do-it-yourselfer, while I think it's more economical to hire a professional. He's been prevailing in general, but I let him know in no uncertain terms that I'd like it to be different. Recently a new problem came up in the kitchen that will require some plumbing work. My husband wants to tackle it, but I want to hire a contractor. He doesn't want to spend money, which we are short on. On the other hand, I don't want to end up resenting him for making our already tiny kitchen impossible to maneuver in for a long time while he figures out what he is doing. I'd be willing to give on this for the sake of marital harmony (which has been lacking in general), but I am truly worn down by the dissaray that has been part of our house for years. I asked "What is right action regarding this conflict with my husband" and received 57 unchanging. I have absolutely no idea what this means. Thanks in advance for any insights.

 

[willowfox]

"What is right action regarding this conflict with my husband" and received 57 unchanging?

It suggests to me that you get a professional to complete all his uncompleted attempts. I know you are going to face opposition from the master builder, your husband but you need to tell him that enough is enough, you just can't put up with another leaking pipe or a stack of tiles lying about.

 

[tigerintheboat]

Gentle Penetration

For some time, my husband has been working on home improvement projects on our house. He's a do-it-yourselfer, while I think it's more economical to hire a professional. He's been prevailing in general, but I let him know in no uncertain terms that I'd like it to be different. Recently a new problem came up in the kitchen that will require some plumbing work. My husband wants to tackle it, but I want to hire a contractor. He doesn't want to spend money, which we are short on. On the other hand, I don't want to end up resenting him for making our already tiny kitchen impossible to maneuver in for a long time while he figures out what he is doing. I'd be willing to give on this for the sake of marital harmony (which has been lacking in general), but I am truly worn down by the dissaray that has been part of our house for years. I asked "What is right action regarding this conflict with my husband" and received 57 unchanging. I have absolutely no idea what this means. Thanks in advance for any insights.

Hexagram 57 is Gentle Penetration; it is about subtle action, and generally suggests that you be small and flexible. Comparisons are usually made to wind and rain; they penetrate subtly, and have an influence that is often not blatantly obvious.

It seems that Yi is suggesting indirect, mild action on your part. And it doesn't sound like that will solve your problem; wind and rain and subtle and gentle can have a big effect, but not often in the short term.

You asked Yi for "right action" in your conflict with your husband. Yi responds that wive's action should be subtle and gentle; that sounds like a very general answer and one in line with traditional sex roles.

I would consider a follow up question more directly about your desire to control this situation.

Tiger

 

[Trojina]

For some time, my husband has been working on home improvement projects on our house. He's a do-it-yourselfer, while I think it's more economical to hire a professional. He's been prevailing in general, but I let him know in no uncertain terms that I'd like it to be different. Recently a new problem came up in the kitchen that will require some plumbing work. My husband wants to tackle it, but I want to hire a contractor. He doesn't want to spend money, which we are short on. On the other hand, I don't want to end up resenting him for making our already tiny kitchen impossible to maneuver in for a long time while he figures out what he is doing. I'd be willing to give on this for the sake of marital harmony (which has been lacking in general), but I am truly worn down by the dissaray that has been part of our house for years. I asked "What is right action regarding this conflict with my husband" and received 57 unchanging. I have absolutely no idea what this means. Thanks in advance for any insights.

Another way of seeing it could be that you attempt to influence him by subtle but steady and skillful suggestions to gradually win him over to your way of thinking. Hmm however ways to manipulate people isn't something the Yi normally does IMO so I'm not sure about that...OR it could be he is actually making progress in a steady but subtle way...er but too slow and subtle for your liking which sort of ties in with what Tiger said. Without the benefit of Yis answer I'd probably say just put your foot down and get it sorted but really 57 does not suggest that kind of approach to me at all.

Theres been countless makeover TV programmes here featuring people with exactly your problem, ie the man wants to fix things when hes ready (which is never) and the women and kids have to put up with loads of mess and inconvenience for years with no end in sight and the solution generally is the makeover show people just boot the man out for the day and get the whole house fixed...hmmm however in this instance a)you aren't in a makeover show and b) the Yi is obviously male as 'he' is taking sides with your husband here in that 'he' thinks hes just doing it gradually..infact so gradually its barely noticable to you.

Seriously though i think i incline to Tigers way of thinking here, not especially in terms of gender but in terms of how you are viewing progress on this. I do sympathise though and agree with Tiger that some follow up questions may help clarify things further

 

[larsbo_c]

Press through with your will

The main line in character in 57 is one of the most dificult to translate, because the oldest meaning of the word is lost, so dictioneries only give some derived meanings. But the lines gives us some good hints which makes it clear that in some lines it means to penetrate in others to be penetrated depending what line you get. But if no lines it always means penetration or to penetrate.

I think it means that you should press through with your will.

 

[Trojina]

The main line in character in 57 is one of the most dificult to translate, because the oldest meaning of the word is lost, so dictioneries only give some derived meanings. But the lines gives us some good hints which makes it clear that in some lines it means to penetrate in others to be penetrated depending what line you get. But if no lines it always means penetration or to penetrate.

I think it means that you should press through with your will.

I think this is an interesting one because while i can see why you come to this conclusion how can you know that it is right in this instance that her will should override his ? Do you see 57 as to do with imposing ones will ? Well I suppose it is. I can see 57 as holding a steady intention that set things moving in a certain direction like the wind only I'm not sure if it can really apply to imposing ones will on another because that feels a bit too much like manipulation and I'm not sure the Yi advises how to manipulate another. Afterall hes as much right to do things his way as Amelie has to do it her way.

Not arguing with you here really, just pondering. You may be right, I'm not sure at the moment what to think about this.

 

[rosada]

Perhaps 57 is describing the whole situation, how he drifts back and forth doing a bit here and a bit here without a direct focus to complete the project.
57 really doesn't encourage you to be aggressively assertive, but to gently look at things from all angles. I wonder if it would be helpful if you were to ask a contractor to come out and look at the job and give you an estimate? Perhaps if you knew clearly what the job would cost and how long it would take you would either feel more tolerant of your husband's approach or more certain that outside help is the answer.
I have a friend who had a similar situation. She endured all the chaos for years and in the end when they wanted to sell much of the work had to be torn out and redone because it wasn't up to code.

rosada

 

[amelie]

What a delight to receive the benefit of so much interesting feedback regarding this question. After reading the interpretations shared, I wonder how I could have possibly been baffled by the meaning of the hexagram. Willowfox's and Larsbo's take that the contractor path is appropriate certainly gets my vote :but the manner in which this end is brought about is very important, as noted by tigerintheboat and trojan. As I said, our relationship is already a bit rocky, and there is a need to tread delicately and respectfully. The male/female gender roles feel valid, as I know that my husband's sense of pride is very much a part of this issue, and I am not very good at stereotypical feminine deference. I was able to help him with a building project this weekend by contributing in a manner that was very subtle and gentle. So maybe I am more capable of channeling this energy than I realize! I live in hope anyway.

I followed up with a second cast as suggested, asking "what is the best path for arriving at a solution to our kitchen problem?" and got 36 unchanging. "Hidden brightness" seems to reinforce the idea of the answer coming through communication that is not bold, but perhaps indirect?

Thanks again for the generosity of the reflections shared...Not sure I'll ever be able to conjure such insightfulness on my own...

 

[gene]

I hate to throw water on the fire here, but there is a bigger issue.

First, as a rule we do not evaluate someone else's rightness or wrongness from the I Ching. It is telling us about ourselves. It doesn't take sides.

The issue in 57 is that there is a bigger issue that is not being looked at. As important as the choices may be in this case, this is something that has been a continuous problem for you. A battle of wills. The first thing to do is to get to the bottom of the overall issue about wills and look beneath the surface for the real situation. The fixing of the kitchen is a symptom. It is not the real problem. Find the REAL problem and deal with that.

Gene

 

[willowfox]

asking "what is the best path for arriving at a solution to our kitchen problem?" and got 36 unchanging

This suggests that your husband is a stubborn and difficult man who will not listen to good and sensible advice coming from you. Because if he is only a DIY man, then there are sure to be certain jobs that need a professional. Mixing cement and breaking cupboards is easy but putting in new cupboards or water pipes is certainly not.

So, Hex 36 is advising you to keep cool and calm under the circumstances, and say as little as possible to him for the moment at least. So, you need to grin and bear it and keep a stiff upper lip as the English say for a while longer.

Also, if you become the apprentice to the apprentice, it may help to hurry him along more quickly, and when things actually start to get finished he will feel good with himself, and you will feel good that at last the end of a job is in sight. But again, some jobs really may need a professional.

 

[Trojina]

. As I said, our relationship is already a bit rocky, and there is a need to tread delicately and respectfully. The male/female gender roles feel valid, as I know that my husband's sense of pride is very much a part of this issue, and I am not very good at stereotypical feminine deference. I was able to help him with a building project this weekend by contributing in a manner that was very subtle and gentle. So maybe I am more capable of channeling this energy than I realize! I live in hope anyway.

I followed up with a second cast as suggested, asking "what is the best path for arriving at a solution to our kitchen problem?" and got 36 unchanging. "Hidden brightness" seems to reinforce the idea of the answer coming through communication that is not bold, but perhaps indirect?

Thanks again for the generosity of the reflections shared...Not sure I'll ever be able to conjure such insightfulness on my own...

Strange answer. Seems you need to hide your true feelings about things BUT this is generally because if we show our light it will be wounded. Now when its your husband that will wound you if you are totally open about your feelings then I wonder if he is being not the best he could be in relation to you. Is he the oppressive tyrant in 36 who the Prince must pretend hes mad to to escape detection ? I'm not suggesting your husband is an oppressive tyrant but there must be an element of oppression for you somewhere in this situation. As others have said seems this issue is really about more than the DIY. Treading delicately and respectfully is one thing but having to pretend to be someone other than who you really are to escape wounding, in an intimate relation, sounds less than ideal. I think this answer maybe referring you to the relationship in general...look at where you have to hide your light to keep it safe.

'Stereotypical feminine deference' can be nothing but a charade and there is some kind of charade in 36 i think and usually for good reason but its not a scenario one would want to remain in for long I don't think

Interesting you got unchanging hexagrams both times. Its like thats the situation and theres not much you can do about it

 

[amelie]

Thanks again for all the feedback. No, Trojan, I don't there is a lot of flexibility, andI do think Gene and others are right in that this is part of a much bigger issue between my husband and I.

The question is, is this a matter of learning to manage communication in a reasoned respectful manner to improve our interaction across the board?

Or is it something else? The home improvement stuff is such a huge energy suck in both time and money. Entire weekends are devoted to my husband sanding walls. It's not what I want for us, and while he claims it's not what he wants, he claims there is no alternative because we can't afford to do otherwise. Meanwhile he is tired, and my kids get a father who feels like, well, less than he can be because he's so obsessed and tired. The whole thing feels like a stuck pattern and I don't know what can create a catalyzing force for change.

I asked as a last question; what is the crux of this home improvement quagmire? and got 28.1.2.5>55...Does that mean the dam will burst soon? I sometimes think somethings got to go terribly wrong before it stops. Thanks again if there is any additional feedback. I really appreciate the opportunity to externalize all of this. Talking about it actually makes remember there is hope in action, as I hadn't realized how resigned I was feeling about this.

 

[Trojina]

Thanks again for all the feedback. No, Trojan, I don't there is a lot of flexibility, andI do think Gene and others are right in that this is part of a much bigger issue between my husband and I.

The question is, is this a matter of learning to manage communication in a reasoned respectful manner to improve our interaction across the board?

Or is it something else? The home improvement stuff is such a huge energy suck in both time and money. Entire weekends are devoted to my husband sanding walls. It's not what I want for us, and while he claims it's not what he wants, he claims there is no alternative because we can't afford to do otherwise. Meanwhile he is tired, and my kids get a father who feels like, well, less than he can be because he's so obsessed and tired. The whole thing feels like a stuck pattern and I don't know what can create a catalyzing force for change.

I asked as a last question; what is the crux of this home improvement quagmire? and got 28.1.2.5>55...Does that mean the dam will burst soon? I sometimes think somethings got to go terribly wrong before it stops. Thanks again if there is any additional feedback. I really appreciate the opportunity to externalize all of this. Talking about it actually makes remember there is hope in action, as I hadn't realized how resigned I was feeling about this.

28>55 looks like the situation as itis cannot be sustained for much longer and the 55 indicates to me theres probably so much more to this than meets the eye it can be difficult for you to differentiate whats what. Whats about the decorating, whats about other stuff, where you are in it all. I don't see necessarily anything must go terribly wrong for it too change though certainly the pressure may seem too much to bear. The lines seem to show the situation can be restored (28.2) to a degree(28.5) and you are being incredibly careful (28.1) but hang on thats not really what you asked is it you asked what was at the crux of it, IOW whats it all about ? Well i answered that to some extent its really hard for you to see what its all about. 28 shows too much pressure something has to give ad 55 shows often too much information, a profusion of factors in a situation. I think probably your answer is just showing you how it is. Its tempting to say you need to make a decision but previous answers such as 57 don't really support that so i think this 28>55 is more about whats happening internally rather than advice.

The obvious thing is to have a really good talk with him yet your 36 answer doesn't really support that. I wonder if hes using all this activity to cover up some of his own feelings/anxieties hes having trouble dealing with ? You know maybe the 36 referred to him. Maybe thats why hes not really communicating with you properly about it. I don't know but anyway I don't think this is a dire reading just a challenging one !

 

[amelie]

I don't know but anyway I don't think this is a dire reading just a challenging one !

Story of my marriage! Work, work, work. I keep on feeling like I'm in denial about something in myself or him, but can't figure it out for the life of me. Thanks

 

[willowfox]

I asked as a last question; what is the crux of this home improvement quagmire? and got 28.1.2.5>55

Line 28.1 shows your husband taking on more than he can really handle, so he's jumping in without thought of whether he can do it or not, so foolish bravado.

Line 28.2 suggests that he wants to show that he has the ability to do anything that he sets his mind to, he is obviously out to impress. Oh well.

Line 28.5 Basically it seems that he is insecure within himself, and thus again has this strange urge to prove himself. Silly isn't it?

Hex 55 The Hex of splendor and beautiful surroundings, he wants to create a palace because of an emptiness inside that needs to be filled by attempting to create something beautiful externally, so people will say what a fantastic job, what a clever man.