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This is more of a personal post. I need some emotional help

newlife123

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Something very painful happened yesterday.
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I was involved in a very long relationship that ended a few years ago. In my heart all this time my feeling for her were still unresolved and I have been suffering all these year because of it. Lately I have been seeing her in my dreams so yesterday I contacted her.
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She didn't want to talk much and was quite rude and said that she has someone else and she is happy and that I never contact her again. I let it go at that...Where did all those loving years go?
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The pain I feel right now is excruciating. I am having internal trembling and feel like dying. I am at the point where I can't handle it anymore.
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I asked the oracle what should I do about this pain and got: 25.5 to 21. I have been getting hex 21 a lot lately. Like 1in ever 4 or 5 castings.
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To be honest don't really care about the reading. I am just in too much pain and I don't have family or friends to support me in this right now.
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if anyone would like to talk to me please do.

Thank you
Karl
 
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blue_angel

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Hi Karl,

I'm so glad you came here to find someone to talk to. To me that shows you still have some life left inside of you. I am sorry you are having such terrible pain. I have shared this same pain, so I have a very good idea of what you are feeling. Now lets see if I can help.

What can you do about the pain. 25.5>21. Lots of 21s lately.

25- seems to acknowledge your pain, and seems to say you must train your heart and mind to not have regrets concerning her or not have regret in how your relationship ended with her. Accept the pain and let it go. After you are able to do this, you will need to give yourself rest and time to recover so that you can rebuild your strength. Its going to be a slow process, you will need to take one step at a time.

Line 5- you are hurt, but this will pass, if you allow it to. Do not allow her to affect you in a negative way. Just focus on doing what's right for you. See, she may not have meant to hurt you, but she is doing what she feels is right for her.

21- you're going to have to bite through this, so you can see clearly.

Seeking a therapist to help guide you and give you some direction is a good thing. Have you tried this? I know I have, and it helped tremendously. Can you answer these questions for yourself?
1. What was it about her you loved so much?
2. What was it about her you hated or disliked?
3. What good experience did you have in the relationship? What did you learn about her or yourself or how you related to each other?
4. Does she remind you of anyone from your childhood? Or does the way the relationship end remind of you of any particular relationship from your childhood?
5. Is there any deeper loss you have inside of yourself or any deeper fear that you have masked so as to not have to face?

For myself, I try to remember these things when a relationship ends... no matter how difficult, painful it is. To truly love someone, I want that person to be happy. Even if it is without me. I picture them happy, I allow myself to feel that happiness for them. I have trust and faith in the universe. If we are meant to be, we will be, but right now I have to let them go. I trust that there is a reason for this. The reason may be, there was nothing more for us to learn together, or I wasn't learning what I needed to, so I had to go down a different path. One way or another I have other things I am meant experience and learn, more work I need to do, and at least at this time in my life it is not meant to be with her.
I hope this helps, if even a tiny bit. With your 21s, I would say you really have some work to do, you will need to be open to the work, you will need to be willing to talk it all out, you will need to seek guidance, and get it all out until you see a clearer picture.

Now... I do not know where you are but if it becomes all too painful, and you find you just can't go on. Here are some helpful numbers, with people on the other end of the line that care.

USA 800-273-8255, CANADA 800-448-1833, UK 08-457-90-90-90.

Try to think positive, I know its hard. The sun still shines again after a night of darkness. There may be someone ready to love you, waiting for you to love them, but you can't find them until you've grown some more and really let this woman go.

Blue_Angel
 
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blue_angel

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Another thing that you can do for yourself, is make sure you have plenty of sun. If the sun isn't shining where you are turn on the bright lights. Take some vitamin D. Drink plenty of water, get some exercise, I find that small walks in nature help me work it all out. Any kind of exercise will do. Make sure you have a balance of nutrients and vitamins, preferably from things like spinach, strawberries, blueberries, and any other veggies or fruits you may like. Meditate, cry it out. But don't forget to put on a good comedy when you can, laughter helps so much.:hug:
 

newlife123

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Thanks Angel,

There are many thing that I liked and disliked about her. We met as teens and weren't compatible from the start but we couldn't let go of each other. There are also tons of regrets I have about myself too but right now I really can't afford to think about those things at this moment. I am scared it will put me in a worse negative spiral then what I am already in and that could make me stay home and binge drink and lose my job. Then things may become suicidal.

I want to write more but I am just kind of choked up and don't know what to do or say....
I am a work right now and am having serious difficulty concentrating and my co-workers can see it. My goal for right now is to just make it till 5pm when I clock out in 2.5 hours. After living so painfully fo the last few years it feels like this is my permanent life. I can't take it anymore Angel.

Karl
 
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blue_angel

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One small step at a time Karl. Not everything at once. Focus on work and getting through the day. Just a couple more hours. See if you can direct your energy into some task at work. Zone into it. Do me a favor, no drinks when you get home. It will only bring you lower at this point.
 
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blue_angel

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And... its great that you recognize that you weren't compatible. Also, good that you just acknowledged you have regrets about your own actions. We can work on letting go of what those regrets are about or why you weren't compatible later. The important thing is, one small step at a time.
 

newlife123

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One small step at a time Karl. Not everything at once. Focus on work and getting through the day. Just a couple more hours. See if you can direct your energy into some task at work. Zone into it. Do me a favor, no drinks when you get home. It will only bring you lower at this point.

I won't get hammered. I'll have some wine and try to eat some food and i'll take a multivitamin. I am the kind of person who can swallow food or sleep when I am depressed. My nerves pin and needles right now and I have inner trembling and I don't want to stay up till tomorrow ruminating.
 

newlife123

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I knew we weren't compatible after about 2 weeks. I was 18 at the time and she was almost 16. I am 41 now and she is the only person I have ever been with. Through we weren't compatible we were to young and clingy to let the relationship go. there was a time I broke up with her 2 months after being with her and she got on her knees and started crying.
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I have many regrets. Since we didn't get a long there were so many times I made her cry and hurt her feelings.
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Even though two people don't get a long, given enough years they will develop an attachment regardless...

And... its great that you recognize that you weren't compatible. Also, good that you just acknowledged you have regrets about your own actions. We can work on letting go of what those regrets are about or why you weren't compatible later. The important thing is, one small step at a time.
 

Liselle

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Hi Newlife,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this horrible episode. I hope you can find some way to at least keep out of the negative spiral you're concerned about.

The overall reading, especially the line, I think might be encouraging.

The relating hexagram is how you relate - hex 21 means "chewing through" this. It probably describes both how you feel right now, and the fact that the situation is (unfortunately) just going to have to be gnawed through.

The line can mean two slightly different things: that there's nothing you can do, which sounds discouraging, BUT there's a slight twist that could be relevant here, that there is nothing you HAVE to do. See the difference? "Nothing you HAVE to do" takes you off the hook a little bit, and suggests that it will get better on its own (as things like this often do as time passes).

The trick is to get through the really bad part that's happening now. Right now you just have to "chew through" this excruciating, acute emotional pain. Find some way, any way, to just get through it. In the bigger picture, though, you don't have to really do anything, it will "disentangle" on its own.

It's hard to even know what might be a constructive suggestion for right now, because we don't know your circumstances. [Edited to add: at least I don't; it sounds like some other folks on here know you better.] Maybe the best thing is to go home after work and burrow. Maybe the best thing would be to find anyplace else to go BUT home. I think Blue Angel's suggestion about taking a walk could be good. If it was me, where I am, it's a really nice evening tonight and there's a park with walking/bike trails - sometimes I've taken a really long walk there and it's helped. It might help just because it's a change of scenery, so maybe anyplace you could go would serve the same purpose.

This might be a ridiculous suggestion, again, I don't know your situation, but if you go home and start feeling worse, maybe check into a hotel for just one night? Again, it's a change of scenery. It might be enough to distract your mind onto the new surroundings and off of your pain a little bit. Or an all-night movie? Or the library, at least until they close? Or a cheap restaurant where you could sit as long as you need to. At some point you might feel just plain tired enough that if you went home you'd fall right asleep.
 
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Liselle

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I won't get hammered. I'll have some wine and try to eat some food and i'll take a multivitamin. I am the kind of person who can swallow food or sleep when I am depressed. My nerves pin and needles right now and I have inner trembling and I don't want to stay up till tomorrow ruminating.

I saw this after I posted - it is really good to know you have a plan, and that you know you'll be able to eat. And that you know you don't want to ruminate. Those are good things. :)
 

newlife123

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Lisa,

Thank you for the advice. Over the years I have done lots of things like that and they didn't really help (even the hotel thing) since I was always by myself. I just pray that the answer is to do nothing and that my mind will work it out subconsciously. But yeah, I do feel very scared to go home right now.
 

newlife123

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I saw this after I posted - it is really good to know you have a plan, and that you know you'll be able to eat. And that you know you don't want to ruminate. Those are good things. :)

I meant can't eat. I can go for days barely eating anything when things like this happen. Seems there are people who are the exact opposite. They over eat and over sleep when they are depressed.
 
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blue_angel

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Well,

Its a sad but sweet story it sounds like. I wouldn't mind hearing more if you ever wanted to share. I'm glad you have a plan, good meal, glass of wine, multivitamin. I will share something that I do, that helps. Maybe you will be willing to explore it for yourself. I buy sage, cedar, and sweet grass. The sage is enough. I YouTube "Om Mani Padme Hum". If you not aware of this already, it is a very beautiful chant. On YouTube it has very lovely music to go with it. I sit on a nice pillow, in Lotus position, I light a white candle, I light the sage over a bowl, I close me eyes, and listen to the music, and chant along. I picture a beautiful golden sky at sunset, a turquoise ocean or river beneath it, I picture what the grass feels like beneath my feet. I focus so intently until I can feel myself there. It becomes very powerful. At times I will cry immensely, and not even know why. But I discipline myself through it, til finished. In the end, I feel extremely relaxed, often ready for sleep. Something negative has been released from me and I am calm, peaceful. You can research this chant and the meaning behind it. I can also tell you more about if you would like.
 

Liselle

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I meant can't eat.

Over the years I have done lots of things like that and they didn't really help (even the hotel thing) since I was always by myself. I just pray that the answer is to do nothing and that my mind will work it out subconsciously. But yeah, I do feel very scared to go home right now.

Oh dear....:hug:

I know it's too easy to just say "don't go home," because you actually need someplace else to be able to go. I'm trying to think if it was me, what kinds of other places might be available to me where there would at least be people (even strangers) and hubbub around for as long as you'd need it (if strangers and random hubbub would even help)...am drawing a blank...um...maybe stores that are open 24 hours where you could wander around and look at things? Walmart? Grocery stores? Is there an airport nearby??? (That might be crazy, but I've never minded passing time in an airport, oddly enough. Although I haven't been in an airport since 9/11 and that might make a difference...) Am just trying to think of busy places that are open all the time...
 

newlife123

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Yes, I know that mantra. There was a time I was chanting many Hindu mantras that are supposed to remedy my issues. What I need is to meet someone new and over the years every attempt has ended in failure to the point that I don't even try to go looking for it anymore.

Well,

Its a sad but sweet story it sounds like. I wouldn't mind hearing more if you ever wanted to share. I'm glad you have a plan, good meal, glass of wine, multivitamin. I will share something that I do, that helps. Maybe you will be willing to explore it for yourself. I buy sage, cedar, and sweet grass. The sage is enough. I YouTube "Om Mani Padme Hum". If you not aware of this already, it is a very beautiful chant. On YouTube it has very lovely music to go with it. I sit on a nice pillow, in Lotus position, I light a white candle, I light the sage over a bowl, I close me eyes, and listen to the music, and chant along. I picture a beautiful golden sky at sunset, a turquoise ocean or river beneath it, I picture what the grass feels like beneath my feet. I focus so intently until I can feel myself there. It becomes very powerful. At times I will cry immensely, and not even know why. But I discipline myself through it, til finished. In the end, I feel extremely relaxed, often ready for sleep. Something negative has been released from me and I am calm, peaceful. You can research this chant and the meaning behind it. I can also tell you more about if you would like.
 

newlife123

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I apologize for reply with all these negative posts. Yeah, I've walked around Walmart 2 am before. The thing that is most painful about being in public when you are alne is that you are alone. you eat alone and you walk alone. and you see all these happy couple being together. I know that I can't isolate myself to just work and home. Usually Ill have lunch one 1 weekend day with one of my co-workers and I usually go out to a food court for lunch that has people. Though after work I usually feel tired and down and just buy something to go home and I usually eating while drinking and watching a documentary. In the past I tried to do a lot of stuff instead of going straight home such as stop at Starbucks and stuff but that felt kind of stupid after a while because I didn't really have anything to do there? When I was with her I never cared about eating alone or even going to the movies alone but now I feel like a freak when I am in a full restaurant sitting at a table for 4 or 5 by myself.
Oh dear....:hug:

I know it's too easy to just say "don't go home," because you actually need someplace else to be able to go. I'm trying to think if it was me, what kinds of other places might be available to me where there would at least be people (even strangers) and hubbub around for as long as you'd need it (if strangers and random hubbub would even help)...am drawing a blank...um...maybe stores that are open 24 hours where you could wander around and look at things? Walmart? Grocery stores? Is there an airport nearby??? (That might be crazy, but I've never minded passing time in an airport, oddly enough. Although I haven't been in an airport since 9/11 and that might make a difference...) Am just trying to think of busy places that are open all the time...
 
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blue_angel

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I like more Taoist philosophy personally anyhow, but I do incorporate Buddhism into my life. So you've tried the mantra, and it didn't help, is what you are saying. I suppose you've tried meditating and opening your chakras too. The point is, although you would like to meet someone, you haven't. I'm thinking there's a reason for that and that readon is not because you are meant to be alone forever. Just my opinion, you don't have to take it. I'm thinking there are some issues you can work on to prepare yourself to be the best you, you can be, and this will really help you once you do find someone. You have to keep trying. Keep going. You fall down. You dust off, you get back up. Don't wallow in your own crap. That's what my grandmother would say. Harsh, yes. But needed. Go to a Zen meditation class. Go take a yoga class. You might heal yourself, grow, and find your love. But you'll never know until you try, try, again.
 

newlife123

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Thanks,

Meditation is something that I have tried to do since I was a teen. I just can't do it. I've talked to a few other people who just can't seem to do it either even after years of trying. It's kind of like that small percentage of people who can't be hypnotized either.
I used to believe completely in karma but in the last few months I lost faith in all beliefs. This is bothering be too.
 

Liselle

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In the past I tried to do a lot of stuff instead of going straight home such as stop at Starbucks and stuff but that felt kind of stupid after a while because I didn't really have anything to do there?

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

You mentioned documentaries...maybe you could rent a few movies that you know will be really engrossing? Thrillers, mysteries? I don't know what you like, but something with the ability to keep your mind focussed on something else...some old TV show that you liked that's on DVDs or Netflix?

Do you like spreadsheets? Invent some spreadsheet project for yourself that would keep you busy with columns and formulas? Some people find that sort of thing soothing...?
 

Liselle

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I don't want to be completely ridiculous, am just trying to brainstorm...do you like making things? Get a kids' model kit?
 

newlife123

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Lisa,

Thank you so much and you aren't being ridiculous, you are trying to help me. When something like this happens a person often doesn't have interest or energy to do creative things. Before my divorce I used to be a top level fencer and cooked wonderful meals everyday. I just don't have the energy or interest in anything anymore. A while back I was watching as many documentaries as I could find about spirituality, religion, philosophy and metaphysics but stopped doing that because in the end they would leave me feeling more depressed since none of them had answers but just unproven ideas. I prayed to God many times and that didn't really have much effect either. I understand that in life there are 2 things we don't have control over; who and what comes into our life and the results of our efforts no regardless of how hard or smart our efforts are. We can't control the results. In that way I tried the Wuwei for a while and that didn't bring anything into my life. I just hope that the universe has mercy on me soon. I don't have active suicidal ideations yet but I am well past the point of not wanting to exist.
 

Liselle

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I'm so sorry to hear all this; it sounds like you've been having a really bad time even without this latest incident.

I do understand not having the energy or interest to do even things you used to enjoy.

At the risk of being really trite...have you tried conventional therapy, antidepressant medications, things like that? Maybe I really ought to assume that you have and it didn't help, since this has clearly been going on for a long time.

Maybe the best you can do right now is just put one foot in front of the other and remember the reading, which says the worst of this will pass by itself.

May I suggest not doing more readings on this subject? There is always the danger - this has happened to me - that if you do more readings you will get something that sounds bad or scary, even though the situation has not changed and Yi is actually NOT saying it has.
 
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blue_angel

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It took me forever to get mediation myself. I felt like I was cheating on God as weird as that may sound. But I kept researching because I was determined to help myself, I kept finding people that had these huge transformations through meditation. So I tried different things. First I decided to include God in my meditation, as if I was praying, it became my time to become one with God, nature, and the universe. During this time I can give thanks for what I do have. My life. Another thing I did was practice zoning out. Have you never zoned out? You can practice this by lighting a candle or looking at an object and focusing all of your attention on that candle or that object. Thoughts will come up, acknowledge them and dismiss them. This especially works for me with the chakras, if you close your eyes and see green and focus on just the color green, that is the color of your heart chakra. Another way you can practice is count, focus on the numbers, if a thought comes up, start over again at one. Repeat until you no longer need to count. It took me a long time. A very long time. But I find that when you are determined to not give up, you will succeed. You have to find what works for you. You have put the effort and the work. You have to live your life. It helps if we force ourselves to be thankful each day for what we have, replace each negative thought with a positive. The more positive we think, the more positive happens. But you have to put in true effort. When you really hit rock bottom, you will be willing to do ANYTHING to get up.
 

newlife123

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Hi friends,

Last night I stopped by the vitamin store and bought some multivitamins, L-Tryptophan for sleep and anxiety and Kudzu for reduction of alcohol cravings. If you take Kudzu and still drink you will get buzzed on less alcohol.
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I didn't have much appetite so I just bought a few Vietnamese rolls and couldn't finish them. I took the L-Tryptophan and Kudzu and open a bottle of wine and it only took a few glasses to make me relaxed and drowsy I put on a Korean drama and fell asleep about 9:30 but woke up abruptly from a bad dream and 2:30 a.m.. I was kind of having an anxiety attack from the dream and wanted a glass of wine but I can't since I have to work so I popped a Kudzu and L-Tryptophan and that reduced my anxiety and alcohol craving within 25 minutes and was able to go back in to a light sleep with tossing and turning. Lots of negative chatter in the head.
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Just trying my best to get through this. I not quite as in as much shock as yesterday but her words still sting very badly.

Karl
 

Liselle

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I'm glad to hear things are at least a tiny bit better than yesterday, and that you were able to get some sleep. This may not be something that you'll ever really "get over" completely, but the worst of it will fade in time. It's the time part that's the problem, though, since you do have to "gnaw through" it.

Another thought - do you know anything about astrology? Examining your relationship that way might help you better understand its purpose - what it was for, and what it was not for. That might help you to process and accept what is happening.
 

newlife123

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Well I had my chart read by a lot of Indian astrologers using the Vedic system. Somehow none of their prediction are coming true. It could be because I have the wrong birth time listen on my certificate.
 

Liselle

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Well I had my chart read by a lot of Indian astrologers using the Vedic system. Somehow none of their prediction are coming true. It could be because I have the wrong birth time listen on my certificate.

I don't know anything about Vedic astrology, just a tiny bit about Western.

What I had in mind was something called "synastry," where two people's charts are overlaid and compared, to see how each affects the other.

Having accurate birth times and locations for both parties is best, but it can still be useful without complete data. You'd be getting only partial information, but it might still help. If you've straightened out your own birth time, so that your chart is accurate, it will be better than not having either party's data.

None of this is crucial, though. Your relationship is what it is, and isn't what it isn't. Astrology can't change the actual situation; it can only shed light on it. Such understanding might help with acceptance, that's all.

In any event, it might be best not to pursue it now, when the situation is so raw. It's hard to tell if it would help your healing go faster by providing closure, or if it would instead give you more to obsess over. Maybe keep it in mind, and then in six months or so, when the acute emotional pain has subsided, you can decide if you want to look into it. You might be in a better place then (having "chewed through and disentangled from" this, per your reading), and it might not matter anymore.
 
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newlife123

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Thanks lisa,

I do know about synastry. Like you said it doesn't matter now, it's over. The tough part is that I have been suffering all these years because she was the one who wanted the divorce and not me. And all these year I had a lot resentment and hatred but most of all unresolved love and she put an end to all my imaginary hope.
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I'm already having enough trouble focusing at work right now (negative chatter) in my head. It might be ok to think about my past with her later if I am with someone else and healed but right now I think that trying to analyze my feeling trying to deduct why she treated me so callously with be the dangerous thing to do. I can't afford to go into a break down and start inadvertently acting out self destructive behavior. What if I can't preform at all at work and lose my job? Then it will be suicide time, know what I mean?
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It's just hard to be alone with this grief right now. I could go to some depression or therapy forum but I don't want to talk to other depressed people right now and if you ever google one of those forums their website colors are so gloomy and depressing it already too much for me. Last night I slept with the lights on. that helped. This biting through is really well..biting through...

Karl
 
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