43, 44... med question

[kestrelw1ngs]

Greedy with the threads here this week, ah well.

ADHD being a long running problem, I've started meds for it. They work well during the day but I've noticed a significant dark mood shift in the evening. Or maybe they just make me feel better and I'm not well without them....

So I asked Yi "what is the effect X meds are having on my mood?"

43.1.6>44

this seems more like a description of my situation? related to condition rather than meds. 44 comes up a lot for mental illness.

I keep ending up messing things up seriously with one moment of carelessness or another. And finding myself on peoples bad sides, or around unforgiving people.

I have to be responsible for my actions. But am a nervous wreck with anxiety about losing "attention" for a minute anymore, and can't relax fully in any space or at any time. Im a naturally forgetful and head in the clouds person. The meds do help a bit with that. But I am exhausted with managing so many expectations and can hardly breathe.

Made a big mistake in fibbing to new roommates about something they took very seriously (i was stressed during the move and just sort of running on autopilot but aware that isn't an excuse and apologized). Told me I violated their trust. They already have a lot of rules.

Do you think Yi is picking up on this or is there a way to read the answer medically as side effects.....? I am strung out.

When I inquired about this situation earlier Yi gave me

44.1 with that pig running around who needs to be stopped.
Whether thats my impulsivity, or the roommate's anger...ugh.

43.6 suggests asking for help.

Many thanks for any interpretive assistance.

 

[Liselle]

So I asked Yi "what is the effect X meds are having on my mood?"

43.1.6>44

this seems more like a description of my situation? related to condition rather than meds

43 stands up in front of the king and demands attention (which does seem relevant since the whole point is attention).

A possible problem with questions like this is the more literal Yi is, the harder it might be for us to interpret accurately. We're not neuroscientists.

But let's assume Yi's answering you on your own level. 44 is a powerful woman who cannot be married, and/or, as 43's pair, the king who the messenger appears before. Someone here once got it for jump-starting a car.

I wonder if what it means in this one is 43-messenger gets 44-king's attention but only long enough for the king to deal with 43's immediate problem. The messenger leaves then; the king doesn't make him a permanent part of the court. This is powerful in that the immediate problem does get solved - the king has the power to do that. But the next time 43 has a problem, he has to repeat the whole thing over again. Seems like a pretty good description of how those medications work, right? Powerful but short-acting, aren't they?

Do you stop taking it at night? That sounds like 43.6. When the messenger isn't crying out, there's nothing for the king to respond to, everything is quiet which might feel like a letdown of sorts, the darker mood you mentioned. (But - burdening the analogy to the breaking point - this is not meant to be a 24-hour a day operation. Messenger and king need rest.)

43.1...in some ways it sounds like the problem you're trying to solve. The leading foot is a bit careless sometimes. I'm sure there's more to it than that but I don't know what.

As an aside though, medication isn't going to turn you into a perfect human who never puts a foot (ahem) wrong. Everyone makes mistakes and irritates other people sometimes. Any chance you're being a little too hard on yourself? You can't go through life paranoid about your every move.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

I am being too hard on myself and can acknowledge that but its such a long acquired defense I am not sure what to replace it with. People have told me I used my disability as an excuse...i would change immediately if I could, its just so confusing.

This situation with roommates is scaring me badly and my readings about it reflect that. We are meeting tonight and I don't want to blame my mental health for everything but they are having extremely high standards for someone they know just left an abusive situation. It almost feels like retribution for my fibbing under stress. I simply haven't learned how to stand up for myself without "playing the victim" or excuses. People don't really accept that some people can't just make their bodies/brains act in accordance with intentions. I want to do things correctly but often some other thing distracts me or I just can't. If people don't give me benefit of the doubt it is easy to assume laziness or lying. The medication helps somewhat with this problem...my counselor has suggested getting on disability or looking into housing assistance.

The medication is long release so yes, early in the morning is when i take it.
Your 43 - 44 interpretation makes sense to me. If the messenger is the medication and the king or powerful force is my willpower, executive function or what have you. 1 and 6 could look like morning and night. Maybe the way to deal with this would be waking earlier and accomplishing more at the beginning of the day so by nightfall when the dark mood strikes its okay, to just do comforting things.

 

[Trojina]

My impression is the 43.1.6>44 is more about the effects of the lie on your life than the meds. In fact 43.1.6>444 looks like a picture of a lie - an announcement to be utilised but not to be married into. I guess you lied for a practical reason but instead of serving a one time function it's come back against you.
As Hilary has pointed out, what is rejected in 43 often comes back in 44.

I could be wrong.

I do recall you had 53.4 as one of the lines about this rental? That made me wonder how permanent it would be.

The medication helps somewhat with this problem...my counselor has suggested getting on disability or looking into housing assistance.

Yes do please prioritise these. You do have a disability, it has a huge impact on your life and so you should have both financial help and housing. Perhaps you could get a place of your own...and that would reflect the 53.5 in that reading also.

Oh it was this thread I was thinking of I think - but I'm sure you got 53.5 somewhere

53.2.3.4 art journals and emotional baggage

Hello dear forum people, After so much to-do, my cat and I are finally launching out of the long expired absuive housing situation! Today is the final day of moving, a relief and already the future though uncertain seems sweeter. Having to pack an excess of material possessions has had me...

www.onlineclarity.co.uk

And going back to that thread if where you are is just a flat branch (53.4) a temporary refuge then it wouldn't make sense to get rid of your things if, at some point, you get your own permanent place.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Yes it did seem that was about my situation rather than meds.
Roommates and I had a conversation (more of an odd lecture from them which crossed some emotional boundaries but I no longer feel able to assert these given the situation.)


The lie was quite serious in retrospect as it was not researching which plants were toxic to cats, since they have a cat who eats plants. In moments of stress I tend to dissociate and sometimes fib bc of not really thinking, or a panic reaction. It has been misunderstood before, even when it was me who came forward and clarified. Its not an easy thing to change as it is a trigger reaction from childhood where mistakes were punished with physical beating. I do not lie intentionally and try to correct immediately but of course most people cannot be expected to accommodate/understand this.

I cast 24.1.5>8 for meeting with them, then apologized sincerely and asked for a second chance. It seemed friendly.

However now they are being increasingly severe.
I am trying to become more above ground but facing many fears and uncomfortable sacrifices, now all my plants have to be moved elsewhere, cat is not allowed out of my room etc. They keep going into my room and moving things but are upset about me having anything outside my room. I have to essentially live the same way they do to the letter.

While I understand the loss of trust over the lie, this is not what I expected.

Readings around this have been
5.3>60
(Waiting in mud)
52.4>56

(Learning other peoples rules?)

When I asked what result of looking for new housing is, 21.3.6

It seems Yi is instructing me to learn the hard way to be extremely careful of others territory. I feel regret at the lie, of course, but part of me is protesting that i am being expected to perform in a way that is impossible for me and not sure how to go forward without homelessness. Maybe that is the simple consequence of my habits and I have to accept it.

I asked Yi "is there anything I can do?"
46.6>18

Trojina, yes I am going to have my support worker help me begin the process this week. My ego is protesting with all sorts of stories about individual failure. However I cannot go on pretending to have abilities I do not, or will end homeless/in hospital. It may happen anyways. As long as my cat and plants can find good homes I will accept this.

There is no chance of getting shelter or funds within even the next 3 years here as our system is designed to fail, but I hope to research the process in another state with less of a backlog.

 

[Trojina]

The lie was quite serious in retrospect as it was not researching which plants were toxic to cats, since they have a cat who eats plants. In moments of stress I tend to dissociate and sometimes fib bc of not really thinking, or a panic reaction. It has been misunderstood before, even when it was me who came forward and clarified. Its not an easy thing to change as it is a trigger reaction from childhood where mistakes were punished with physical beating. I do not lie intentionally and try to correct immediately but of course most people cannot be expected to accommodate/understand this.

I don't class that as a very serious lie. I mean I know zero cats who ever died from eating indoor plants. Indeed I know zero cats who eat indoor plants so I think the onus is on them to find out what is so wrong with their cat's diet that it needs to eat plants Has their cat eaten one of your plants and been ill or died? Is that why it's so serious?

I cast 24.1.5>8 for meeting with them, then apologized sincerely and asked for a second chance. It seemed friendly.

However now they are being increasingly severe.
I am trying to become more above ground but facing many fears and uncomfortable sacrifices, now all my plants have to be moved elsewhere, cat is not allowed out of my room etc. They keep going into my room and moving things but are upset about me having anything outside my room. I have to essentially live the same way they do to the letter.

They sound neurotic. You can't keep a cat in one room. Who are these people, women or men and how many of them?

Is there any chance you could return where you were before the move?

Readings around this have been
5.3>60
(Waiting in mud)
52.4>56

Don't know what the questions were, but I don't like the sound of it.

Trojina, yes I am going to have my support worker help me begin the process this week. My ego is protesting with all sorts of stories about individual failure. However I cannot go on pretending to have abilities I do not, or will end homeless/in hospital. It may happen anyways. As long as my cat and plants can find good homes I will accept this.

I don't think getting this support amounts to failure at all, it's common sense. Moreover having a stable source of support, however basic, allows you to start live a better life, develop more of your art and so on. You can't do that with constant stress and chaos.

It sounds awful. As lies go not researching whether your plants hurt cats hardly seems massive though if their cat was sick or died because of it I suppose it's a different matter. Also they cannot enter your room and move things without permission! Absolutely not, that's a violation! It sounds like an abusive situation.

 

[Liselle]

Some plants are toxic to pets. Cats, dogs. So are chocolate and onions and so on. Whether it will kill them or just upset their stomachs probably depends on what it is, how much they eat, and so on.

There may or may not be something wrong with the cat's diet. Maybe there is and it could/should be fixed. Maybe there is and it can't be fixed. (For instance mine had to be on a prescription diet he didn't like, and so he'd go around chewing the draperies and so forth because while he was getting calories he felt like he wasn't getting anything he considered food. That wasn't fixable, unfortunately.)

I don't know much about it but don't cats just have an instinct? They sell pots of greens for cats for a reason. I don't get them for mine but I've seen them in stores.

Yes, I don't see much hope for "cat is not allowed in room." Cat will redouble efforts. Cat will probably win. Would be nice if this is a lazy cat!

But regardless, I know how much you love your plants. Um...fishing for ideas...any way the toxic ones could be hung from the ceiling? Would be harder to take care of them that way, though.

46.6 sounds promising but quite daunting. Wonder if 21.3's "poison" is your feelings about assistance? Trojina is right, try your best not to feel like that. No ideas about 21.6 - is there something you aren't listening to?

 

[Trojina]

Some plants are toxic to pets.

I didn't say they weren't I said

. I mean I know zero cats who ever died from eating indoor plants. Indeed I know zero cats who eat indoor plants

I'm saying it's not common

And by referring to the cat's diet I am placing the responsibility back with them instead of them loading the blame on Kestrel.

Cats eat grass outside, that's natural at least all the cats I ever had/knew did that sometimes. The idea used to be it was medicinal for them in some way, no one ever tried to stop them.

Anyway these house mates sound worrying

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

I don't class that as a very serious lie. I mean I know zero cats who ever died from eating indoor plants. Indeed I know zero cats who eat indoor plants so I think the onus is on them to find out what is so wrong with their cat's diet that it needs to eat plants Has their cat eaten one of your plants and been ill or died? Is that why it's so serious?

One of their cafs chomped a plant. Didn't get sick though. He is young and still attacking/chewing.

They sound neurotic. You can't keep a cat in one room. Who are these people, women or men and how many of them?

Is there any chance you could return where you were before the move?

That situation was more abusive, was with my ex. But not to the plants and cat they were happy there. If I end up homeless she will probably be willing to take the cat.

I don't think getting this support amounts to failure at all, it's common sense. Moreover having a stable source of support, however basic, allows you to start live a better life, develop more of your art and so on. You can't do that with constant stress and chaos.

Yes, realizing that. I have pretended to not be disabled for a long time so its just a matter of coming to terms with reality.

It sounds awful. As lies go not researching whether your plants hurt cats hardly seems massive though if their cat was sick or died because of it I suppose it's a different matter. Also they cannot enter your room and move things without permission! Absolutely not, that's a violation! It sounds like an abusive situation.

They still are keeping some stuff in the room that is mine. I thought my room would be off limits but it turns out they see the whole space as still theirs to control. It is not what I thought it would be at all.

It is a couple. They are LGBT like me so I imagined it would be understanding.

I come from your perspective on the plants. Their cats did not get sick or die. It is just that they see every mistake as what "could" happen like if I left the door unlocked for a few minutes while grabbing something, someone could get in and harm the cats, if my cat escapes before being properly introduced they could get into a cat fight and hurt each other....they do profess to have anxiety and all these rules/reactions are being attributed to that.

However there is not room for my anxiety to be accommodated. I have not really been able to speak up without being told I am debating and arguing. They said if I make any other mistake endangering the cats I will have one week to vacate.

So yes, not good. I had expected a friendly relation built on shared interests, not this controlling attitude, as they were very kind and welcoming initially.

I had a real moment with myself last night that I cannot keep putting others perspectives above my own. Not sure the way out of this mess but Yi seems to advise being very careful.

Now I just am over it. Will keep my head down and follow the rules while keeping eyes open for something else and find somewhere for the plants. Thank you for you perspective and response Trojina.

It is hard for me to determine when things are off with me or with others and this forum has been invaluable.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Some plants are toxic to pets. Cats, dogs. So are chocolate and onions and so on. Whether it will kill them or just upset their stomachs probably depends on what it is, how much they eat, and so on.

There may or may not be something wrong with the cat's diet. Maybe there is and it could/should be fixed. Maybe there is and it can't be fixed. (For instance mine had to be on a prescription diet he didn't like, and so he'd go around chewing the draperies and so forth because while he was getting calories he felt like he wasn't getting anything he considered food. That wasn't fixable, unfortunately.)

I don't know much about it but don't cats just have an instinct? They sell pots of greens for cats for a reason. I don't get them for mine but I've seen them in stores.

Yes, I don't see much hope for "cat is not allowed in room." Cat will redouble efforts. Cat will probably win. Would be nice if this is a lazy cat!

But regardless, I know how much you love your plants. Um...fishing for ideas...any way the toxic ones could be hung from the ceiling? Would be harder to take care of them that way, though.

See I proposed this or keeping them in my room. But it is a no, they insist all plants be removed from the house immediately.
My plants and cat are part of me so this definitely feels violating. Im not going to waste time trying to argue any longer however. Someone can take them for now.

46.6 sounds promising but quite daunting. Wonder if 21.3's "poison" is your feelings about assistance? Trojina is right, try your best not to feel like that. No ideas about 21.6 - is there something you aren't listening to?

My intuition! when moving here I had a bad feeling.

You might understand how I feel about assistance given how this has turned out. Buf I suppose the government, while not great, is more reliable than people in some ways. Contracts are protective! Here I am not on the lease. And they had me pay half their rent, no pro rate. In retrospect not a great deal.

I simply needed to leave my last situation before it got any worse. But out of the frying pan into the fire, eh.

 

[Liselle]

Half the rent when there are two of them and one of you?? That's not right.

I mean, I understand you have to be somewhere and the previous place was - maybe - worse. I really have no ideas. I'll try to look at the readings better.

Could you tell us what your questions were for the ones where you didn't say? As Trojina said, it's hard to interpret otherwise. (If you didn't post the questions because you don't want to, that's perfectly fine of course.)

However...

I didn't say they weren't I said
[...]
I'm saying it's not common

I come from your perspective on the plants. Their cats did not get sick or die. It is just that they see every mistake as what "could" happen like if I left the door unlocked for a few minutes while grabbing something, someone could get in and harm the cats, if my cat escapes before being properly introduced they could get into a cat fight and hurt each other....they do profess to have anxiety and all these rules/reactions are being attributed to that.

...I'm afraid I see their point about these things.

But I'm not defending their snippy (or whatever word is appropriate!) attitude, nor the fact that they waited till you moved in and started paying rent to start in on all this, nor that they're gouging you on the rent while not even allowing you full use of "your room" - I'm not defending any of that.

Just - introducing cats can be difficult, and can mean a lot of trouble, including fights and litter box problems (stressed cats might start not using the box and so on). It can depend on how they're introduced, and can also depend just on the cats. I've had it happen both ways: ones that got along fine or at least ignored each other, and ones who never managed to.

I'm sorry if I came across like I was blaming any of this on you, Kestrel. One thing that's perfectly clear is none of it is your fault. Their concerns/anxieties/requirements should have all been hashed out before you moved in. It's not your fault it wasn't.

 

[Trojina]

The idea that leaving the door unlocked for a few minutes means someone could get in to harm the cats is odd isn't it? I mean cats are free to roam in most of the world, they go out alone where potentially they could be harmed. The idea a passer by would enter a building on the offchance he could get the chance to harm cats, and how would he know they were there anyway, is quite strange isn't it?

What about the harm of imprisoning the cats? I'm ill at ease with cats not be able to go out though I know in some places it's less possible for them to do so.

If they let their cats out it could eat what it wanted anyway.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Well yes, I do side with Liselle and the roommates in that I understand the protective nature of their care for the cats. Its just going to the place of "well now we don't trust you and are going to correct you constantly" upsets and triggers my fight or flight.

I've been on the other side of this with codependent attitudes. Moralizing, lecturing and going on about lost trust. Well that attitude of mine ruined those relationships. No one likes to be scolded and punished or condescended to, and even if its well intentioned it comes off patronizing. But I suppose they see it as protecting themselves and their "ecosystem" from threat.

The reading questions were
"Yi what do you have to say to me tonight?" (I was feeling paranoid of coming home)
5.3>60

And
"What should I do about housing situation?"
52.4>56

I thought if I could muster up the courage to be honest about how all this feels maybe it would break the building tension. It seems silly but I haven't left my room all day avoiding a fight or more picking at what I do.

When I asked Yi today
"What is the message of the eclipse (today) for me?
33.1.4.5>22

Well that just seems like keeping to myself to keep appearances of civility. At some point I will have to take a different action.

And I do see the point about living life paranoid of every move, Liselle. Asking Yi, forums, or therapists before doing anything is stifling. Being human means making mistakes.
This place just confirms my fears about stepping out of line. 46.6 makes me think of edging forward in the dark, where there is a cliff, trying not to fall. But maybe in falling you become a bird and fly off to better pastures...

Who knows!!!!

 

[Liselle]

The idea that leaving the door unlocked...

Sloppy quoting. I should have edited that part out. It wasn't anything I went on to talk about.


Thanks for telling us the questions, Kestrel. I'm mostly drawing a blank at the moment. I suppose 52.4 to 56 could mean something like "stilling your self" is the best you can do for now. Unfortunately you're stuck there until you can find something else. I guess at least you know it's probably a good idea to keep working on that. Ugh.

5.3 to 60 sounds to me like a really specific answer. You really didn't have any choice but to go home. Delaying the inevitable was probably only making things worse.

46.6 does say fruitful with unceasing constancy, for what that's worth. If you have to be unceasingly constant, at least Yi's saying there's fruit to be had....

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you Liselle.

One last cast. I was noticing all this habitual distraction today and asked "what is it i should focus on to rise above distraction?"
51.5.6>25
Seems like a wakeup call.
In clearer moments after the 51 shocks have settled, I can now see these things as a challenge to get through.
I was expecting a fun time and friendship, bonding or hoping for it and this situation emotionally blindsided me with another dose of "careful who you trust."

Now its clearly just a temp roommate situation. Luckily I don't have to like these people or enact all the nice creative plans we had discussed beforehand.
33.5 seems to point at working with folks while not mistaking them for permanent fixtures.

This is very motivating to either get going on disability or apply for higher paying jobs. Perhaps both to see what sticks.

A sense of urgency is a good motivator to blast through childish illusions. Trying to make good money, follow my passions, heal all at once, while not advocating/caring for a real disability and depending on other people to determine my self worth...is not a successful formula. I have had some very disorganized thinking for awhile.
I like this reading, with 25 re untangling from sickness or pretense.

Inner child protests that life isn't and has never been kind enough, wahhhh.
Well, other peoples lack of kindness isn't our business. Inner adult can stop being a paranoid bully confirming the cruelty, learn to shrug those opinions off and get to work on finding income to get cat, plants and inner artist kiddona safe landing spot.

Scorpio season is perfect for minding ones own beeswax.
Actions bear fruit...edible or not.

Cheers to a 46.6 season. Maybe some fruit cider in the daek?