Can the Yi speak of the future?

[bruce]

Val, Oy!

Simply?

I was raised to "do the right thing". For me, there never seemed a choice as to what that meant. Add to this a spouse whose health continues to degenerate, to the point where it was up to me to keep her alive. This gave her license, she thought, to impose more and more of her responsibilities onto me, which I accepted, because "it was the right thing to do". This decayed further to chronic verbal abuse, partly due to brain damage she incurred from hypoxia during an asthma attack. Her true soul became bare, and I could not love that person. I couldn't kid myself anymore.

The divorce came because I could no longer hold up to her abusive way of treating me, and because I was literally coming apart inside. At that point, there was no other choice for me, if I chose to live.

In retrospect, I only fault myself. Leaving her would have meant I was a failure, and that's just bullcrap. It is also why my heart goes out to those here and elsewhere who find themselves in an abusive relationship, full of guilt and doubt that they are always the ones responsible for somehow failing. It takes two to succeed or fail. It always takes two. One, no matter how valiant the effort, can not carry it.

It's been five years. Or is it six? Many old hurts have been healed, and hopefully I'm better for the wear. I'm not angry inside anymore, and love has been renewed in me. I'm sure grateful for that.

Btw, I like how you described the difference between what Angel and myself was saying.

 

[bruce]

Two other things I'll mention, since I've already bared myself here, in case anyone can draw a lesson from it.

1. Since I moved her near her sister's home, where she bought her own condo, her health has improved dramtically, though her temperment has not. Turns out I wasn't helping her nearly as much as I thought for all those years.

2. While I'm again open to love, my personal borders have become much stronger as to what I accept or not accept. I've become more selfish, in that I require to receive from a relationship as much as I give. What a concept, huh?

 

[cal val]

In answer to No. 1. What a great illustration of 16.1.5... and I'm not surprised at all about the improvement in her health. I heard a similar story almost two years ago... from a man whose wife had a chronic illness and whom he took care of. After about 17 years of caring for her, she asked him for a divorce, and he granted it to her. But she still wanted him to take care of her (extreme 16.1.5). He met another woman and fell madly in love, but his ex-wife kept calling him to come take care of her, and he answered her calls because he believed her to be helpless and in need. The woman he'd fallen so in love with didn't like sharing him, and the relationship fell apart. He was heartbroken. Soon afterward he was made an offer he couldn't refuse that took him across country and consequently made him unavailable to help his sick ex-wife. Much to his amazement, once he was across country, not only did she survive... but she thrived!

It's amazing how fast these women recover when the pity party is over... isn't it?

In answer to No. 2... Yes... what a great concept.

Love,

Val

 

[bruce]

You are So right about 16.1.5. IE: 16.1, I was a really good guy. Everyone thought so, because I was so loyal. When I decided to end it, I was suddenly a really bad guy. And line 5, well, it speaks for itself. Very astute observation, Val.

Btw, her sister lives clear across the country. At least I didn't make that mistake. However, she's made herself impossible to live with there, and so she's moving back to Reno, near our sons. Amazing she's well enough now to move herself back there. Fortunately, as you probably know, I've since moved to Arizona. She's tried many times to get us back together. Each time it's the same - the slam dunk after learning just enough about my new life to somehow manage to use it against me. So I've said no more communication. She sends strange letters, pictures of my kids to evoke loving memories, etc. but I never respond anymore. Enough is enough.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Hopefully he's learned too.

This wasn't easy, spilling my guts here. But maybe it might speak to someone who needs to say "enough".

It's not enough to "do the right thing", if you don't do it for the right reasons.

 

[micheline]

Sounds like your self-worth made a grand entrance and took the reigns. It is often hard to reach the point where we can claim our own worth and say "no more" to lopsided arrangements where we lose our souls. BUt once we do, it becomes so clear.

Personally, i think relationships should be much more fun than work, and I think that is possible if you find a true "anam cara"...soul friend. a relationship that doesnt have to continually be pulled apart and twisted like taffy just for the sake of continuing.

when there is a basic rightness to the togetherness, it takes on a resilient life on its own, one nurtured more by communion and laughter and maybe even a good deal of contented shared silence/understanding. an anam cara is one to come home to. never a "make it work" type of thing.

 

[heylise]

LOVE

"more fun than work"
"an anam cara is one to come home to"

love it
LiSe

 

[bruce]

Agreed wholeheartedly, Micheline. Still chuckling at "pulled apart and twisted like taffy". Such an apt description of making work of making a relationship work. There are times, revolutions and such, when a relationship does need analysis and effort, but if it requires constant effort, if there is no natural joy from each other?s company, what?s the point?

 

[luz]

I just hope it's clear I didn't mean to say you should stay in a relationship because of duty, much less when it becomes abusive. I'm glad you were able to let go, Bruce, as I think it can be tricky to do just that, specially if they try to make you feel guilty about it.
Love should not be work and it should not require you to give up your self esteem. I just meant to say that us people are usually far from ideal but we can still love and accept each other and, in a way, that is more beautiful than finding and loving your 'ideal' mate..

 

[bruce]

It's clear, Angel.

 

[pakua]

Hi Val,

It was just a blurb on the news channel, no details or anything else.

On first thought, I was surprised when you said cold showers create oxytocin, but I remember when I was involved with a yoga group long time ago, and they kept urging everyone to take a cold shower every day. Those who were brave enough to do it said they felt great afterwards.

ABout love and work, the big question (at least for me) seems to be, at what point do you make the decision that it's too much? When love leaves? Difficult question.

 

[lexxmexx]

I am suffering exactly the same situation as Elizabeth. This person whom I interested in is someone I really liked and would like to spend the rest of my life with. I believe I had given my best but I just can't feel the reciprocation that I deserved (not in the very least). She doesn't like me to call her and she doesn't call me often. I did expressed my feelings openly and she is well aware of it but did not stop me. She said that she will choose me if she breaks off with her current lover. Their relationship seems to be on the rocks according to her but they are still living together. I am not trying to force a breakup between them. But it seems like I am being made use of somehow, I don't know. I tried to talk to her about it but she kept saying that my thinking wass too negative and why can't I look on the brighter side. How can I be positive when I feel that the relationship is so one-sided?

Till a couple of weeks ago, we still get to meet up a least a couple of times a week but something happened last Monday when I send an email ending with "I love you". Now I know how meaningful that Frank Sinatra's Somethin' Stupid song is.....I have not heard from her since...

Like Elizabeth, I am also 31 years old. This is not my first relationship but I can honestly say that this is the one whom I felt most strongly for. After questioning the I Ching and getting clarifications from some of the nice people here that a romantic relationship will not work out, I was totally devastated. I don't know if I can find another person that I will give me the same feelings as this. The hurt is so deep that sometimes I feel that even if another person this perfect and ideal appears again, I might still want to make comparison. I know that this is wrong but I just can't help thinking about it.

I really hope that someday something might change this person's attitude towards me and love my truly but can such things happen...?

Some of you might have read about my questions which I had posted in another recent thread. I will take this opportunity to apologize for my persistency in asking probably rhethorical questions which might have put people off as I don't see any more new replies.

Thank you hearing my grievances

 

[cal val]

Hi Bruce, Micheline, LightAngel and Pakua...

I'm in tears right now reading your posts... but then I've been in tears since very early this morning when I consulted the Yi about all that you so generously shared yesterday, Bruce... and how it parallels my own life. I'll be back later to share the Yi's answers, but right now I have to do something about these tears... streaking down my cheeks and making a mess of my makeup... and I NEED to do it fast... I'm at work for heaven's sake!

Thank you again Bruce... and Micheline and LightAngel and Pakua for your wise and compassionate words that have touched my heart as well.

I'll be back.

Love,

Val

 

[bruce]

Hi Lex,

I don't think anyone's put off. There's only so much an interpreter can say about a reading. After that it tends to go into a loop. Often a "need help" thread will turn into a discussion about the I Ching, hexagrams, lines and such, and sometimes not. I wouldn't take any of it personally.

I didn't follow your question thread, but I do believe that most women are attracted to secure men. So I'm going to guess that the answers to your questions on the other thread speak to this inner stability?

 

[jesed]

Hi Lexxmexx

Just in case the comment could be useful.

I dare to suggest you another aproach... based not in others (not if other love you neither if other not-love you) but based in yourself, in your own development.

Just 3 questions (in this order):
1.- Global Diagnosis of my Time (it means: where are you in the Path of your entire Life)
2.- General Diagnosis of my Sentimental Time (it means: where are you in emotional/psicological/sentimental/mental Life)
3.- What should I do to improve my Sentimental Life?

After this, stop doing questions about sentimental aspects for a while; concentrate your time on an in-deep understanding AND practice of this 3 answers.

Best wishes and blessings for you

 

[cal val]

I'm back. What a mess that was. I was almost 10 mins late opening my office door to start the day because I was emotional. And as soon as I opened the door, they came streaming in needing my help (I'm the office problem solver when it comes to Microsoft and Adobe programs)... and no one noticed my eyes were wet. Lucky me.

So... all calmed down now... for now anyway.

I thought about you last night Bruce... so much you didn't say... like how difficult it was making that decision... it's probably best you didn't.

There's so much I have to say... but not enough time. Micheline said it... anam cara. I didn't know what anam cara meant and just went looking on google for more information only to discover it compounds the syncronicity of this whole discussion. It's a Celtic phrase.... figures... my soul friend... my true soul friend... who has been taken away from me by the 16.1.5 woman in this thread... but not really taken away (06.3)... is Scottish.

I'm an old woman now. I've been through a lot of relationships. And I've never felt so right with any man who's been through my life as I did with the Scotsman... the shy, funny, protective, caring Scotsman who was my muse and so much more... on every level. He was... is... definitely my soul friend. And if and when it wasn't crystal clear to me, the Yi and my dreams confirmed he is.

He talked to me about caring for the sick woman... about feeling trapped, wanting out... feeling torn... wanting to do what's right. Yes he could have been lying... it could have all been 'lines'... but he wasn't and it wasn't. The Yi backed up everything he said. The Yi said he was being noble, he was sacrificing his own interests to care for one he believed to be less fortunate than himself, and he was feeling all those things when bad went to worse. And that only made me love him all that much more.

The Yi also talked to me about her... when I asked why she held on to him when she knew he didn't love her the way she wanted him to and was in love with another woman... and they answered 16.1.5... 16.1 - wanting to be taken care of and 16.5 - an illness that is NOT fatal (although she played the 'fatal' card until she couldn't play it any more).

So this morning... it took me that long to finally face my feelings... I asked the Yi how he, my anam cara, would feel if he'd been privvy to the discussion here between you and me, and they answered 11.4. I read Siu's Portable Dragon... but I read the wrong line... and that answer is what started my tears. That's how the Yi works for me. It's important to understand what the hexagram and line statements mean, but often the force behind the Yi will just take me to the one that has the perfect words for me that explode into understanding... rather than the one with the perfect meaning.

Quoting Siu for 11.5:

<blockquote>"What do you do all day? he said.

"Teach music; I have another interest too."

"Work!" said old Jolyon, picking up the doll from off the swing, and smoothing its black petticoat. "Nothing like it is there? I don't do any now. I'm getting on. What interest is that?"

"Trying to help women who have come to grief." Old Jolyon did not quite understand. "To grief?" he repeated; then realized with a shock that she meant exactly what he would have meant himself if he had used this expression. Assisting the Magdalenes of London! What a weird and terrifying interest! And, curiously overcoming his natural shrinking, he asked:

"Why? What do you do for them?"

"Not much. I've no money to spare. I can only give sympathy and food sometimes."

Involuntarily old Jolyon's hand sought his purse. He said hastily: "How d'you get hold of them?"

"I go to a hospital."

"A hospital! Phew!"

"What hurts me most is that once they nearly all had some sort of beauty."

JOHN GALSWORTHY, ENGLISH (1867-1933)</blockquote>That's so true of him. She was sick when he met her, and she called out to him for help. And he helped her. He willinging sacrificed up to 10 years of his life to give her a life. But, at the end of those those 10 years, she was still healthy and he was still sacrificing. That's when he started feeling trapped.

So... I'd really like to believe that 11.4 means that after reading this conversation between us he'd feel like saying 'Enough' too to his situation. But it doesn't really matter... because it's all hypothetical... and I've given up... that's what the tears are all about... it doesn't matter any more.

Love,

Val

 

[bruce]

Val, I have for 11.4:

"And they looked at their creation, and said it was good. Key word line 4: Relationship."

I'm sorry your heart aches. It must be a very big heart indeed.