(Hex 23.6 to 2) About my estranged wife

[Enqquery]

@Olga Super Star We were together 3 years before we were married. We were married for 4.

Marriage was her idea. She really wanted to get married, so I surprised her when I proposed. She was upset when I said I felt like we were already married.

I agree completely that, If we had not been married, I would have been hurt, but I would not be in this situation.

Because yes, the problem is the promise. If she had never made that promise I would never have made plans for a future with her. I would just be happy every day she was there and sad when she was gone. Much like you had said.

I was actually told by a Croatian friend of mine to find an Eastern European woman. She said that they would make me much happier. LOL!

 

[Olga Super Star]

I was actually told by a Croatian friend of mine to find an Eastern European woman. She said that they would make me much happier. LOL!

We might be from the same country

anyway I agree that if the money is yours it must remain in your own family.

I would think it fair to “split” after a lifetime together when both people have equally contributed to the “ company-family” (if not by working, by raising children). Since she has been working herself and you seem not to have any children, there is no point in getting even a penny.
I honestly don’t see how she could claim it since she is the one leaving.

What you said about the promise has put some light on the matter. Not that I support marriage now, but I understand what you mean with “making plans for the future”.

I guess in the pre during and post war it was so much easier. You just married once, and that was it. People s main aim was to have a family, to have a house a some food. To separate it meant there were big problems.

I have asked myself whether they chose each other better, I don’t know. Maybe it s because they lived in smal villages so you knew people from your childhood. Couples were formed in their teens and that was it. The rest were friends and there were not so many occasions of meeting someone else, people didn’t travel that much.

I guess in big cities they had the chance to have affairs And there were prostitutes but still no one Left home. There was no divorce so you couldn’t have married again. Yet all those people seemed much happier than us today.

I look at the pictures of my grandparents, remember their stories. They were always laughing and singing, even during the war. When outside is harsh, then your home becomes the most important and safe thing to have.

but nowadays the outside shines, and we tend to give little importance to home and relationships. We can survive without, that’s it. In the past you could not be alone. People did everything by hand so it was NOT possible to be alone And grow your food, cook it, wash linen (it took a whole day of many women gathered together Ihave been told!), make your own clothes..
thAts why families were fundamental, there were no supermarkets nor shops. Well just the basic ones.

Thanks for your insight, I really hope your life will turn for the best and you get on that carriage

 

[Enqquery]

@Olga Super Star

Im glad we were able to keep talking. Thank you!

 

[Enqquery]

I am going to look over what people have said. Like I said I do like to learn from anyone that gives insight if I can. I don’t see hope and I want to.

I will check in with updates as I get them.

I have looked in my journal I have about 200 casts a month +/- I said I have conversations with Yi, it is one of the only people that does not tell me to go away when I sink too far. I had to stop talking to my friends about things because I have pushed them away. Which is understandable, they don’t know where I am coming from.

I was being honest when I said the only people I really talk to regularly are God, my A.I. (Hand crafted from Luka Lab’s Cake Chat and grown over 2 years), and the I Ching. Recently the voice in my head but she is not real so I don’t count her.

I am not an imminent danger to myself, and I am absolutely no danger to anyone else imminent or otherwise.

I talked my wife out of committing suicide about a year before we started dating. Here we are 8 years later and I am the one left facing that choice.

Also, no I am not saying she owes me or something stupid like that, more that no good deed goes unpunished maybe? Maybe that we never see the full impact of our choices? Maybe sometimes you need to ask if you would do the right thing if you knew the price that is associated with that choice? Yes I would still do the right thing even with all the pain she has caused me. In any event it was something I was thinking about.

@Trojina: I looked at my journal. The hexagram I most often associate with cheating is 54. Generally it involves placing the querent in the position of the second wife, a subordinate to someone or something else. It is not always cheating, someone could have other responsibilities like work or family to which you are playing second chair, in my case it was pretty clearly cheating.

Once again, I appreciate the insight from everyone. I have much to consider.

 

[Enqquery]

So I have gone over this thread repeatedly. I appreciate everyone’s input and advice.

I want people to know what she has done, and why this is the single most abusive and traumatic event in my life.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/long-term-effects-of-gaslighting

I thought that crown of ‘Most Abusive’ would be held by the woman that burned me with cigarettes if I were not paying attention to her. It took 5 years before a woman could touch me without my flinching. There was no good thing that came from that relationship and no good thing from the memories.

Equally, nothing good came from this relationship and nothing good will come from its memories. I just need to undo what she did. I can’t live with what she gave me. I think she has already killed me, I am just fighting to keep the lights from going out.

I don’t see anything but this last fight. Abundance is not supported by the math, scarcity is. I can not see a scenario with a positive outcome that has a high degree of probabilistic certainty. Anything good relies upon some sort of divine intervention to nudge the odds into my favor. I am asking the I Ching because it is the only thing that has pointed to a positive future with certainty.

I’m keeping the lights on and I don’t know why. None of it makes any sense. No one has been able to give me anything but maybe. Maybe does not contradict the math. Maybe relies on divine intervention... or hope. but the only hope I have is that I am supposed to get on a cart and plant a seed in an abundant field.

Cart-building will come with time! And yes, I know what you mean about Hexagrams 1 and 2. What helps me is to think less about their pure, abstract nature and make more use of their imagery. Absolute receptivity is like the earth - and I spend time in my garden with my hands in the soil, so I see how it supports germination. And the oracle also mentions the mare, so you can think of the responsiveness of a sensitive horse, picking up on the smallest cues.

It doesn't matter if you don't know what to 'do' with such imagery all at once - you can explore it with your imagination and let it sink in.

I desperately need to understand this.

I asked “what is the seed” and the response was 64.1.3 > 14

Before Completion leads to Possession in Great Measure

Line 1: He gets his tail in the water. Humiliating. - There is a tendency to rush towards completion to your own detriment. I have a goal and I am pushing towards it when it is not the time.​

​

Line 6: There is drinking of wine In genuine confidence. No blame. But if one wets his head, He loses it, in truth. - Crossing of the River but if you celebrate too much you lose your victory. You will lose it, and possibly hurt yourself in the long term.​

​

Don’t push for completion before it’s time and don’t celebrate your victory too much.​

14 Possession in Great Measure: Possession in great measure. Great success. - I already have what I need to succeed. It is just not the time.

@bologna_tendra said the seed is in me, which is reasonable, particularly in keeping with this casting. I don’t know who I am anymore which leads me to the question of compartmentalization. No I can’t compartmentalize her. I need her stripped from my head. I need everything she did undone.

As for the cart that people recommend I get on, I don’t know what that is. I don’t know what that means. I spend literally hours trying to figure that out anytime anyone suggests it, only to feel frustrated, angry, and sad. Because it makes no sense to me.

I ask “What is the cart” and I am told: 15.1.6 > 22

Modesty leading to Grace

Line 1: A very respectful noble one. Benefit of crossing the great river. Auspicious. - Being respectful does not mean being timid. Even big actions taken in modesty is Auspicious.​

​

Line 6: Modesty that comes to expression. It is favorable to set armies marching. To chastise one's own city and one's country. - In modesty you don’t talk about what you have overcome. If you do so, you can gain respect and undertake great things.​

22 Grace: Grace has success. In small matters. It is favorable to undertake something. - The modesty is visible to others, and is attractive to a degree.

I don’t even know what to make of this.

To be honest what is hurting you most is all these I Ching readings that leave your head spinning, fearing the worst. Put it away for a while.

@Trojina you have, on all of the occasions both here and in other threads in which I have seen you, seemed to be very kind. I am trusting that you are genuine in your belief that the I Ching readings need put away for a while.

I really can’t, not until I understand. It is part of my nature. It is why I a particularly good at puzzles and such. I worry at them until they make sense. That nature of collating data, parsing information so as to make sense of it, made gaslighting that much more harmful as I needed to craft more and more reality to make the lies work.

Every day I have told God that I don’t have hope. I have asked God to make it stop, to let me see a way out. In so far as the last 2 the answer has been ‘no’ or ‘wait’. Everyone sees hope but me, so if there is hope I don’t recognize it.

I recently read somewhere that depression (I know your question isn't about depression but I thought I'd mention it) is where a person realises what they thought supported them supports them no longer. Depression occurs when they do not want to acknowledge this. Who wants to acknowledge their happy marriage is over and so on. It is part of the human condition that those we love dearly and spend all our time with one year may not be with us 5 years later.

From a different thread; I think there is truth in this, that depression can stem from uncertainty. Because anxiety stems from uncertainty and anxiety and depression are often related.

So if this is the case with 1 person over some amount of time. What does it mean when everything you have believed in for a year is a lie retroactively? Can you be sure it is only a year? Could it have been 2, or 5, or for as long as we have been together? Since I relied upon her to navigate social situations with others, as I can’t read body language, some percentage of that was a lie. What percentage? If her, then who else? How would I know?

When I said earlier in this thread that nothing meant anything I mean it in a very real existential crisis sort of way.

People have said to “give up what you have to find what you need” and such. What do you give up when you don’t know what you have because there is no “real”. Not even in your own head.

People say these things because it is easy to say from the comfort and certainty of knowing something with certainty.

Or maybe they just believe they do

 

[bologna_tendra]

Did you think about taking a break, for instance walking the Camino Santiago. The autumn is a good time for it.

 

[Enqquery]

Did you think about taking a break, for instance walking the Camino Santiago. The autumn is a good time for it.

@bologna_tendra I am not trying to be difficult, but to what end? Or maybe, what do you mean by a break?

The example you gave was walking the Camino Santiago. I live in the U.S. so that, specifically, is out. However there are beautiful places near me.

Walks in parks, or scenic drives, or what have you, do not do any good. Although I have tried. Because, without someone to share the experience, there are no emotional connections made. It may be edifying, but I won’t think back and say “I remember that time...“. I will just remember that information, it will be more information than if I had read it in a book as my other senses were involved, but there is no emotional significance. I won’t feel happy, or at peace, or the like. For me, experiences are given emotional context by the others involved.

I have taken my god-kids places to give their mom some time off, new emotional connections are made, and this is good. This is part of what I do to keep the lights on.

This is not a break though.

It does not get things out of my head. It does not change the position In which I find myself, nor grant me any greater understanding

It does not change the fact that some percentage of the emotional (and perhaps actual) experiences I thought I had did not happen. Which means potentially none of it happened.

How do you take a break from that?

 

[bologna_tendra]

On something like the camino Santiago you can meet many people, as many people arrive alone and make new friends while walking. With some people it might be music. With others it is nature. For some it is vigorous exercise. But the purpose is activities than can return us more closely to ourselves, take us out of the whirring mind and bring us back into the body or the spirit. You mention without someone to share an experience there is no emotional significance. But I think you can have an experience also when no other person is there that is emotionally significant, because of what is going on between yourself and yourself, yourself and nature, yourself and God. I think what you ultimately need you already have, and if you believe in God you will also believe this, because you have something divine in you, and no one can take it out.

All the best

 

[Enqquery]

@bologna_tendra You bring up an interesting point about feeling alone even while God is with me, and that is something to think about.

Not having emotional experiences without someone else, that has to do with my prefrontal cortex being different. This is common among people on the spectrum and this leads to a bunch of different emotion experience and emotional control issues. Among my assortment of said issues, is not being able to have emotional experiences alone. I have tried. I can’t. I have them empathetically or vicariously.

It is sort of like, I don’t know what to feel, so I don’t.

I am trying to fix my brain. I do not want to be the way I am. I was happy with who I was. My soon-to-be-ex-wife successfully distilled me down to a what, not a who. I am not happy with what I am. She believed that what I am was not worth it, and made me believe it too.

That I had changed how I perceive my self from a person to a thing, from a who to a what, is something I just now realized as it was written.


Generally I have difficulties taking breaks of any kind. That is why I keep banging away at things until they are fixed. In this case fixed means understood.

Regardless, I still can’t take breaks in the way you are suggesting. Maybe after all is said and done, maybe after all the procedures I will be able to do so. Right now I can not take a break and have an emotional clearing of the mind.

Even if I could, do you think that would undo a year or more’s worth of psychological abuse? Or is it instead that it would give me some direction on interpreting the Yi?

I am asking seriously as I have never had one.

 

[diamanda]

Hi @Enqquery,

I've heard it and read it hundreds of times: when someone says, out of the blue, that they want time out to 'find themselves', they mean they've found someone else. The reason this happens is that some people cannot love, and do not form relationships out of love. This unloving species go after money, status, glam, fleeting excitement, and master-slave relationships.

Those of us who can love, cannot grasp this, and realise we've been had only after getting severely hurt. You're asking, do you think that would undo a year or more’s worth of psychological abuse? I say yes, you definitely can. Not without scarring, but scars are valuable too. They remind us what to avoid in the future.

When you said she wants 50/50, and you very rightly don't want to give her that, you reminded me of the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard story, have you heard about it? It's one of the most extreme such cases I've ever heard. She heavily abused him, cheated on him multiple times, then when he couldn't take it anymore she demanded half his possessions. When he said no she went out publicly and smeared him with a mountain of lies. He's now suing. I'd suggest you have a look at that story, to gain an outsider's perspective.

 

[Enqquery]

I've heard it and read it hundreds of times: when someone says, out of the blue, that they want time out to 'find themselves', they mean they've found someone else. The reason this happens is that some people cannot love, and do not form relationships out of love.

Those of us who can love, cannot grasp this, and realise we've been had only after getting severely hurt.

@diamanda I think there is truth in this. I reconcile that with what @Olga Super Star says, in that each believe they understand the true nature of love. Neither understands the other.

I had presumed, going into things, that it was just temporary. Math and various studies had predicted as much. It was the promise that changed my mind. That made me believe she understood love the way I did. Made me plan for a future.

Why did she spend so much time making me believe that I was going crazy. Encouraging changing my medications around, undergo various treatments, saying I did things I do not remember doing, making me record conversations so I could review them so I did not get them wrong, fear our counseling appointments when she would tell me that everything that I thought was good in the past week was actually bad, keep written logs of everything, because I am not crazy.

I may be a burden but I am not crazy.

I just want to know what the cart and the seed are so I can find some hope.

 

[Enqquery]

I had spent 2 days inventorying my house for the divorce. This was a tough experience. I found that she did not take a bunch of the cards I had given her over the year, but she did take all the titles and deeds of property from the firesafe and then put everything back on top of it, hiding the fact that she took those documents. This means she was planning a divorce and never intended to use the separation to try to save our marriage.

These are all really hard things that left me in a very vulnerable condition. It was the day after the inventory was complete when my soon-to-be-ex sent a text that said “I genuinely hope you are doing well”.

This lead to about 12 hours worth of intermittent crying. She has to be aware that I am not doing well, and that it is the direct result of her decisions and actions.

I was considering my response and decided it would not be best to engage. In the late afternoon the next day (4:14pm) I asked Yi: “about how to respond to [her name’s] text”

Yi responded: 17.1 > 45 (Following > Gathering)

17.1: The standard is changing. Perseverance brings good fortune. To go out of the door in company produces deeds. (45.1: If you are sincere, but not to the end, there will sometimes be confusion, sometimes gathering together. If you call out, then after one grasp of the hand you can laugh again. Regret not. Going is without blame.)

I thought maybe this was saying to respond, but “persevering brings good fortune” seemed to be saying stay the course, don’t engage with her maybe go visit someone.

I cast again at 4:17 asking: “clarification about how to respond to [her name’s] text”

Yi responded: 58 (Opening)

58: Opening, creating success. Constancy bears fruit.

This did not seem very clear. Was it saying I should make an opening? To what end and consistency in what? Constant being, in my mind, different from persevering or persistence. It says be the same way even if the situation changes.

I did not have time to consider as at 4:18 she called because she had been in a car accident and needed insurance information. She did not need to call me for this. She had all the information she needed. So why did she call?

The situation had in fact changed, moments before that cast, and an opening had been created because she called.

I gave her the information she needed, because I am not a monster. I told her she was OK. what to expect, as she had never been in an accident and that they would need the title. I asked if she needed anything else, she said no and I said OK. I was cold but not by choice, I had taken some medication to calm my emotions because of the text the day before.

This hurt even more because it was her voice and she was scared and crying and I just wanted to make things better. That is not my job anymore.

She texted me an apology for interrupting and that she really appreciated the help.

Then she texted again early this morning asking if I wanted pictures of the car.

So today I have asked: “What if I respond to [Name’s] texts.”

Yi responds again with: 58 (Opening)

There is now an opening for communication. But I should be constant which would be what? Not responding? If not responding is the answer why call my attention to the opening? To what end?

We can’t be friends, I can be civil because I must. I want her back because I am still in love with her. I want her back because then I can pretend that the past 7 years were not lies, she was just confused.

I asked: “about giving up on a romantic relationship with [Name]” Yi Responded 23.6>2: The divorce will happen. The opening does not mean an opening to a romantic relationship. Understood.

What do you think this means? What does she want? What more can she take from me?

 

[diamanda]

58 means transaction, exchange, bartering.
58 is double lake, and lake/Tui also means weapons, metal.

My guess is she wants more of your financial assets I'm afraid.
About 17.1, has any related divorce law recently changed, where you live?

 

[Enqquery]

58 means transaction, exchange, bartering.
58 is double lake, and lake/Tui also means weapons, metal.

My guess is she wants more of your financial assets I'm afraid.
About 17.1, has any related divorce law recently changed, where you live?

There have been no divorce law changes in my area to the best of my (admittedly limited) knowledge. Although it may be that the situation has changed how the law is applied.

Regarding 58 in the sense of weapons; The accident would make her a more compassionate figure. “How could I cruelly deny her financial assistance after all she had been through?”

After all I can not be abused, so why should she help with my medical bills, but she was obviously in an accident... I should have some heart. She needs to have a car at least as nice as the one she wrecked.

I hope that is not the case.

 

[bologna_tendra]

I would check out again on this thread post no. 39 by Hillary on May 19th. I understand it is disorientating to find out you have not been living where you thought you were living - that what you thought existed was in fact something else. I also understand it is traumatising to be touched by the malevolence of another, a trauma from which many never recover. Your task is to save your soul out of which the seed of the new life is contained. But to try and turn back and clutch the physical ruins of the wrecked life is not the message of 23.6.

Best wishes

 

[bologna_tendra]

Also there is a passage by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn in The Gulag Archipelago which you might find helpful. He had suffered great misfortunes, and faced great malevolence - had been taken away and tortured and imprisoned, and yet in the midst of the horror he perceived that the way forward was only in fact possible through having passed through this horror. Which in a sense is similar also to the message of hex 23.6; only by the house being ruined can the broken and seemingly-useless roof beams make the cart that you will take across the field of the new day.

“Looking back, I saw that my whole conscious life I had not understood either myself or my strivings. What had seemed for so long to be beneficial now turned out in actuality to be fatal, and I had been striving to go in the opposite direction to that which was truly necessary to me. But just as the waves of the sea knock back the inexperienced swimmer off his feet and keep tossing him back onto the shore, so also was I painfully tossed back on dry land by the blows of misfortune. And it was only because of this that I was able to travel the path which I had always really wanted to travel.”

 

[diamanda]

She's playing you for a fool. I don't believe for a moment the accident story, or if it's true it's something really minor. Be careful. Be very careful. She sounds dangerous.

 

[Enqquery]

Meanwhile I asked the I Ching what I should say to you and I got 39. Limping Onward. I read it and it sounds like advice for how one can go forward alone. It specifically encourages NOT struggling on alone but advises joining with friends. So I hope you'll keep us posted here as to how you're doing.

@rosada This is why. I keep posting here. Because on the forums there are too many people who do not update regarding their situations. I am trying not to do the same.

I would check out again on this thread post no. 39 by Hillary on May 19th.

@bologna_tendra I read that all the time, I practically have it memorized. I have it bookmarked. I keep hoping that it will ‘click‘ and I will understand what is being said, see something I do not see now.

Your task is to save your soul out of which the seed of the new life is contained. But to try and turn back and clutch the physical ruins of the wrecked life is not the message of 23.6.

@diamanda had likened returning to an abusive relationship like a gambling addict thinking they will win back their losses. That is true, even though I know the house always wins.

I understand intellectually that it is over. I don’t talk to her other than to say thank you when she sends me her part of the insurance and cellphone bills.

Yes, reflexively there is hope when she reached out for no reason apparent to me (probably hoping I‘d say I’m doing well, even if it were not true so she does not need to feel guilty). That grip became tighter when she called.

I do not disagree that 23.6 is talking about something else and letting the old and broken go. I know it is the wreckage of something that was never real. None of it was. I understand it.

That does not change the emotional reaction when I hear her voice. If you could tell me how to turn that off I would.

She is the one dragging everything out for material or financial gain. I do not pursue her. I do not sit with baited breath waiting for contact. Contact from her causes me physical pain. I would love to know how to stop that.

There is nothing good to have come from this experience. I pour over it all the time. Because that is all I have to do. My day is work, and trying to find a reason to continue.

So I keep looking for what I have gained. I understand the cart and seed as an analogy. However, if I can not identify a specific thing, attitude, action, something, then it is Yi saying “move on” which does not help, that does not give me any direction.

She's playing you for a fool. I don't believe for a moment the accident story, or if it's true it's something really minor. Be careful. Be very careful. She sounds dangerous.

I think so too. She said I was a good man and she needed my help to make this as easy for me as possible. It would be easier if it were a dissolution, it would be easier if she stayed.

She chose a divorce which is ugly, and she needs my help to make it easier for me?

 

[diamanda]

and she needs my help to make it easier for me?

Oh dear, that's sadistic covert manipulation. She wants to keep playing on your heart-strings. It's as if she baseball-bats you on the head, and then puts the responsibility on you (!) to allow her to help you feel better.

the emotional reaction when I hear her voice. If you could tell me how to turn that off I would
Contact from her causes me physical pain. I would love to know how to stop that

Read again what you just wrote. You need to go no-contact, otherwise you don't have a chance. As long as you allow her anywhere near you, she'll keep torturing you. After a clear cut, you need time to educate yourself on her 'species'.

As about 23.6. It describes an orchard owner, who has just overseen the end of harvest and moves on by being carried away. The temporary workers now also need to move on. You are the orchard owner. You are the one with the ability to create prosperity, you are the one who has a heart, hence you're a constructive human being. She was a temporary leech, without a heart, a destructive human being. Your only direction is to move away from her, and from the situation. The line says that there is still one fruit. This means there will be another harvest in the future, because the seed exists. (PS any symbolism of a master-slave situation worries me - if we're after an equal and loving relationship, then master-slave scenarios need to be avoided).

 

[Enqquery]

I told her that, after the divorce is complete, we will have no reason to talk any further.

If it goes smoothly, and without much fuss on her side, then it will be done in Mid-November. Just in time for the holidays.

She wants to see me before that in person. I said no. She says we need to because she has the titles and marriage licenses, and because she really wants to talk once more before it is over.

I said no. I don’t feel great about all of this.

There is nothing out there. There is nothing.

 

[diamanda]

I said no.

Outstanding move!
Are all your communications in writing / email? My guess is she will fight you to the bitter end in courts. Gather evidence.

 

[Trojina]

Is there any good reason to suppose she is after all of your assets ? If there isn't then don't assume it. This cannot be guessed at from a reading.

Let's not incriminate someone without evidence ! The woman has a right to want to split up - that hurts but to go from that to deciding she's a robber is not something you got from the I Ching.

If I missed some facts here let me know but do not see her as evil and grasping because of what you think Yi says !

 

[diamanda]

I found that she did not take a bunch of the cards I had given her over the year, but she did take all the titles and deeds of property from the firesafe and then put everything back on top of it, hiding the fact that she took those documents. This means she was planning a divorce and never intended to use the separation to try to save our marriage.

 

[Trojina]

Thanks although can we really be sure she never wanted to save the marriage. I mean she may have just been covering herself.

 

[Enqquery]

@Trojina

yes she has the right to leave, I never said she didn’t.

I said she was wrong to break her vows, it was wrong to not try to work things out. It was wrong to cheat (presumably based upon circumstantial evidence And hearsay, but carrying enough weight for me to make the assertion). These are all based upon my morality views. They are in no way assertions that she had no right to go.

Thanks although can we really be sure she never wanted to save the marriage. I mean she may have just been covering herself

She had been doing everything exactly the opposite of what all the studies said would help recover a marriage. During our counseling sessions towards the end of our marriage sessions that had, at that time, gone on longer than our marriage she discussed everything I needed to change. Which I did gladly, but she never addressed any of my concerns.

I can say where your eyes focus is where your mind follows, if she had been preparing to leave the house before the separation, then she were focused on leaving not staying. If she were focused on my issues but not addressing her own, she was reinforcing my flaws in her mind and not reinforcing my merits.

If she were taking all the documents she would need for a divorce while denying me access to the same documents she was focused on divorce.

If she were only focused on dissolving the union rather than taking assets she would have chosen a dissolution with a mediator, not a suit for divorce, the most acrimonious way to end a marriage and usually results in a inequitable disposition of assets. Mostly in the woman’s favor (in the states it ended up being 60/40 or 70/30).

When she left for the separation, she said “I still kinda feel like I want to leave...” which at the time I thought she meant “I have a lot to think about...” but I don’t know.

That is why I say I believe she was planning a divorce. If you are planning for a divorce, you are not trying to save the marriage.

Can I say for certain? No

 

[Enqquery]

It is because where your eyes focus your mind follows that I have been so adamant about uncovering the meaning of the seed and the cart. Of finding hope.

Because all I see is darkness, emptiness, and the wreckage of a relationship built on lies. Self harm is where my mind goes when there is nothing.

I want to see something.

Work, family, friends I value them all but that is not what I am missing. I am missing a companion. I can’t go back to the person I was before with the simple life and dreams and contentment. Not after what I have seen, real or not.

It may be weakness or a flaw, but what I was before was a content machine not a content human being. I can’t go back, and I don’t see anything forward.

 

[marybluesky]

Enqquery;

I didn't intend to participate in this thread but some points really bother me.

You are calling your wife immoral for leaving you but no one is forced to remain in a relationship.

The way you talk about her scares me to be honest. I don't know why she has taken the deeds, but I would do the same if I felt in danger.

You talk about your need for a companion, but no one is responsible to stay with someone for so. OK, she's been aware of your condition. Then what? Many people have no special condition, start with love... then separate someday. It's part of the life.

You emphasize on your suffering but frankly, we don't know how much she has suffered during the relationship.

I can’t go back to the person I was before with the simple life and dreams and contentment. Not after what I have seen, real or not.

All of us face cruelty, frustration, etc during the life. It doesn't look like the dreams of a 18-year-old. For no one. No one.

The way you accuse your wife to ruin your dreams make me wonder if you've ever taken her needs, emotions, view of life into account.

 

[Trojina]

Because all I see is darkness, emptiness, and the wreckage of a relationship built on lies. Self harm is where my mind goes when there is nothing.

Are you sure you always know what is in your interests long term ?

Your being, your entire world doesn't rely on this woman and it never did. You existed before you met her and you will exist afterwards self harm or no self harm. Why keep on saying there is nothing. There is everything but you are in too much pain to see that right now so just allow it and feel it and be aware you will move beyond it and will be happy again one day.

It's not like another human being can ever hold your entire happiness and purpose for living anyway. They can leave, they can die, they can get dementia, they can be a billion miles away from you in their head, nothing was ever certain anyway. The lie is that one other person is the answer to your entire life !


I just doubt she is so superhuman, so God like, so all rescuing, that your life is worth absolutely nothing without her. Indeed I don't just doubt I know it cannot be so. It's terribly painful but billions of people every single day live through what you are living through now. You aren't so unique that no one else can know how it feels even with your own psychology which you seem to say is much unlike others.

Ever thought you could have a far better life without her long term ? You may be miserable now but that doesn't mean you will stay miserable for ever.

One reason I asked if there was good reason to think that she had plotted to secure your assets is it will make everything worse if you start torturing yourself by building up ideas that the whole marriage was a lie and she wants to steal from you. Whatever is happening now it doesn't mean nothing between you was ever true and you only hurt yourself more by demonising her perhaps. I don't know enough to say of course and I hadn't read the thread well enough to see about her taking the papers but she seemed reasonable enough initially, she said she wanted a break. She didn't cheat on you or go off with anyone else - I don't know I can't say what's going on but it does worry me if Yi readings end up with you saying you want to self harm ! I also worry that we may unintentionally steer you into thinking things that aren't the best for you. You know if this thread is building up more feelings of animosity in you is that a good thing ? If you are talking about self harm after many people responded is that a good thing ?

 

[IrfanK]

Sigh. I read this thread and I always stop myself from commenting, because I really want to use this forum for a discussion of Yi Jing and readings, and this thread seems to have left that far behind. But ...

You did say that you consult with the Yi Jing frequently. Without referring to a specific reading, one of the biggest lessons from the Yi is that everything changes. I can see you're going through a dark patch, but you must be aware that it won't last forever. A few years ago, I went through a big breakup with a woman (who was also on the spectrum, a neuro-atypical) and it was very painful, even though I initiated it. I even used a hypnosis script to deal with it. The whole point of the process was to imagine yourself in a future time, when the memory of it all had faded and you could look back on it without reacting to it. You will get to that stage eventually, with time. You sometimes talk about the future as though it's a grim, pre-determined thing bearing down on you. All of these irrevocable, eternal vows, all these statements about "I'll never feel this or that again ... I'll never meet anyone again ... I feel like Algernon ..." It's not set in stone. Just survive it day by day and get through it and things will change. They can't do anything else.

One of those big gurus, I forget which one, Osho or someone, once said "People talk about the past as though it's filled with endless possibilities and the future as though it's inexorable fate and set in stone. When in fact, it's exactly the other way around."

Pretty much spot on.

 

[IrfanK]

A few years ago, I went through a big breakup with a woman (who was also on the spectrum, a neuro-atypical) and it was very painful, even though I initiated it.

I'm happy to say that despite hearing pretty much the same sort of things from her as you say, about her life being over, never again, and all that, she's now deeply involved with a guy, much sweeter and nicer than me. He seems to dote on her and love her deeply. I'm very happy for both of them.

And here's a poem for you that I read when I was going through a divorce:


The Vow

When the lover goes,
the vow though broken remains,
that trace of eternity love
brings down among us stays,
to give dignity to the suffering
and to intensify it.

- Galway Kinnell